The Wonderbugs turn 6!

When did that happen? I suppose somewhere between this horrible summer and me turning almost all gray (I kid you not, I am more gray than my 60 year old mother in law!), my Wonderbugs are turning six... in two weeks exactly from today! This year I won't even bother with the "how and when did that happen?". Maybe because this year feels like an eternity so I guess I wouldn't be surprised if they were turning 10 all of a sudden! So ... their birthday. For me, birthdays are very important. They are a way of saying "Thank you for being born! I loved that day and every single one since. I am so happy you are here and I am so proud you are growing up"... As soon as I told my in laws I was having this big party, they were all over me of course... On one hand, my father's passing and on the other the dire financial conditions of our country, and they were borh saying I shouldn't do anything... but you see.. it doesn't work like that exactly in my "weird" Tina mind. My father's passing: the boys have already lost someone they had daily and intimate contact with and they miss him dearly. Their summer has been marked by their mother being absent almost the entire month of August while he was struggling in the hospital, then their mother breaking down more or less. I do not want it be the first year they didn't celebrate their birthday. I never have people over, we don't have many playdates either as all of their friends are so busy with extra curicular things, nobody actually plays anymore!! (which is why my boys ONLY have swimming and for John, the mandatory therapy)... so it's not like they get so see their friends outside of school all that often. Then the financial aspect.... well, I have been saving up since July for their party. Any pocket money I made from my photoshoots, went to their party fund. I stroke deals and did most of the things myself. I bought a lot of things online (they are so cheap even with shipping added if I get them from the US or China for instance), so all in all it will not cost me as much as they think... plus lets not forget our TINY 2 bedroom apartment that last year fit exactly 3 friends and their parents were literally sitting on top of each other... I didn't sit down all afternoon because... there wasn't enough room in our tiny apartment... first and LAST time we did their party at home. So they were chewing my ears up all Sunday afternoon, my in laws... At the end I got so mad at them that I said "I didn't steal the money, I didn't ask you for the money, it is my money, I worked hard for it and I want to spend it for a party, what's YOUR deal with it?" If you know me, you know I NEVER raise my voice but since dad died, I have been pretty aggressive to be honest...which is NOT all bad. I stand up for myself now much more than I used to... :) So I got a super cheap deal for a local Kid Disco for 30 people and I can bring extra people for only $5 each (and under 5's they go for free!!!! ) In other places they asked for at LEAST $10 per person with only ONE coffee included in the price and NO food and younger kids over 18 months would pay full price. But for a fiver in that place, they can have as many coffees or sodas or juice they want and some finger food is included :) They will also provide the music, fireworks, balloons etc etc... but if you know me, you know I am Type A... so I am providing very specific music, balloons and extra food ;) We also love theme parties and this year we are going with the boys' favorite, Star Wars!!! Both boys are going dressed as Clone Troopers (Thank you Barbra for your invaluable help in getting the costumes from the US!) and I got masks and inlfatable Lightsabers for the kids. I made the invitation to sound like the beginning of the Clone Wars cartoon... like "The Extremists are attacking with their Droid army but the brave Clones are cutting them off on every turn. Will you help save the Galaxy? Training starts...." (details of party and time etc) I designed and printed them myself too :) See? Saving $$ everywhere. I am also doing the cakes, cake pops, cupcakes and some light finger food like meatballs, whole weat turkey sandwiches, a pasta souffle for the adults, salads etc. Yes I will be cooking all Saturday before the party but I love it :) Yesterday I did the music CDs and printed them too (so the DJ will know which ones are ours. And to make sure, I printed proper covers for them with the boys' photos on them)...and yes, I have actually bought all the music I own ;) (Thank you iTunes and Nokia lol). My pop/rock boys have very specific music tastes so I wanted very specific music: Pink, Queen, Bon Jovi, Avril Lavigne (Cody's favorite!), Meatloaf are but a few of their faves... of course they also love Big Time Rush and Victoria (from the Nickelodeon and Disney channels) so their music went in there too.We do not listen to Greek music much so I wanted to avoid that and most places will put on the "latest hits" and ... ewwww!! I want the Star Wars theme to play when the birthday cakes arrive so I put that in there too, renaming it "Cake" just in case the DJ has no idea who John Williams is or what Star Wars is lol :) I have a folder full of stuff, addresses, keeping track of orders, to do lists, menus, shopping lists... trying to dot my i's and cross my t's as best I can. Which reminds me, I need to burn a couple of back ups for the music and also put them on a USB stick and memory card... just in case!! I still need to do their birthday video which will be projected on a wall projector thingy. Hmmmm.... good thing I know a couple of things about computers, right? Movie maker here I come...

Little Anna

Here's one I haven't shared yet... This is Anna... she is a newborn sized baby girl with a sweet smile and elegant features. Very feminine and dainty... She has an innovative neck joint that makes her head move exactly like a real baby's. She will be available soon...maybe this coming week and she has an awesome layette too.

More info soon...

The house of sick

Here we go, first virus of the season... it started with John (as usual) on Friday night with a hoarse voice...then continued on the weekend with coughing and lots of snots (LOTS of snot...). My stomach was "off" since Friday but for some weird reason it felt better when I had eaten something than when it was empty... this went on for 3 days too... Then Monday morning, I didn't send John to school because he was coughing and had a ton of snot... of course as soon as George had taken Cody to school, John instantly felt better and I had a horrid Monday trying to keep him busy but he was SOOOO bored it was incredible. Then last night John threw up around midnight in his bed...and was burning up. So no school for him.... and I woke up at 6am with the WORST back of the head migraine and a swollen throat... great! We are officially, sick! When people find out the boys are twins, they always say things like "hey, great! two birds with one stone" "you are done in only go" and things like that. But I do want another baby... Nothing phases me really about another newborn... I can handle the diapers, the spit up, the "carry a baby around forever", I love the breastfeeding part... there is only ONE thing I can't handle: sleepless nights... and boy did I have a LOT of those with the boys. In fact it has been a mere few MONTHS since I started sleeping through the night..and they turn 6 in 3 weeks. John is the worst. He will get up anything between 2 and 5 times a night for no reason. I often find him asleep on the couch or the bathtub... or on the floor of his room. And when John gets up, he wakes YOU up. Thankfully lately he prefers his dad ;) My problem with getting up is, once I am awake, I can't go back to sleep. So for a 5 minute wake up for John I spent an hour tossing and turning. Not fun. And I do NOT do well with little sleep. For me feeling sleepy is the worst thing EVER... I do better with feeling nauseous or hungry or anything else... So we are home today, all bundled up and waiting it out. I feel like ..well... you know. Needless to say we are having chicken soup today for lunch! Yes, it is officially, autumn now... yuck!

Coming soon...

I am so excited to let you know my new book is coming out SOON!!! I would love to have you with me as we go from a block of clay to a real looking 30 week preemie... Here is a tiny sneak preview...

There are over 60 photographs (and of course explanations to go with them) for the HEAD alone... ok, big book lol :) But totally worth it!! I will post pics of it when it arrives and of course let you know where to order etc. Hugs Tina

Snips and snails... and boogers!

Had you asked me years ago, when I didn't yet know I was infertile or how hard it would be to actually get a baby, if I had wanted a boy or a girl, I would have said a girl... Somehow I was more of a pink, frilly girly girl type than a snips and snails, mud and boogers kinda gal... Fast forward a decade and I am the mom of two boys smack dab in the middle of their gross phase... you know the one... It's the one during which the funniest words on the planet are: bum, fart, poop... and things like burping contests are the highlight of one's meal (of course since mommy does not condone such behavior on the table, this is done in secret...). Yes, I see all you boy mamas nodding your heads already... you know what I am talking about. So although having a girl would probably be fun, and yes I would have the perfect excuse to get that dollhouse I have been dreaming, a baby's sex does not determine their personality. For instance I was anything but a girly girl. In fact I don't think I liked dolls at all until I was 8 or 9... and I didn't wear a dress until well into my 20s... I was the Doc Marten, torn jeans, sleeveless plaid shirt kind girl in high school... you know... a punk ;) Hard to imagine? Well I was... although I did lack the attitude to be honest. I was a mellow child and a trouble free teenager. I think my youngest brother made up for both mine and my middle brother's trouble free teenage years though. Boy did he give her a run for her money.... but I digress. So ok, my boys tolerate my baby sculpting... in fact, sometimes they actually like the sculpted baby and pretend she is their baby sister. But they were over the moon when I presented them with this:

To be honest, this is my second attempt at something cute and creepy and the same time. The "Storybook Friends" line has been in my mind for a few years now but I could never get the look down exactly... until yesterday. My original scetch of Booger was more... hairy. But during the sculpting sequence, Booger, showed me he was more reptilian than furry critter... and I obliged. In my mind, this is the cross between a lizard and a garden troll. He is only a few months old and just learning to walk. The boys are helping him. He hatched from an egg and was all sticky and slimy, thus earning the name "Booger".. but I find he is more cute than slimmy ;) And he has a side kick, a snal called Snot. Booger and Snot.... and yes we DO really keep pet snails in the boys' room much to my husband dismay. One is called "Dave"... and here is me proving how un-girly I am ;) Because I LOVE snails... and I make them crawl on my arm and the boys and I think they are cute... More piccies of Booger coming soon... and his story of course... I need to make more monsters!!! lol

Cute babies, news and more

Hello everyone!! I've been busy in case you didn't notice lol :) Jack, my first solo doll kit is in the final stages or production and I am expecting him to start shipping in about 2 weeks... Then I've got my full body silicone baby... Then I've got my sculpting books coming out... Then of course I am sculpting and in between doing all the other mommy and wife stuff :) My psychiatrist said to me the other day I look "good" after my loss but in reality I've gone into overdrive/workaholic mode. I just do not want to think about it... right now, I am at a place where he's been gone for fall too long and I miss him so much more and things have happened I can't share with him anymore so it's worse than it was when it first happened. So I started working like a mad woman just to keep my mind off things... So, take one thing at a time... I've started on a new book called "Preemies". It is almost finished and will be available in the next couple of weeks. In case the title doesn't make it obvious, in this book I guide you through the steps of how I sculpt realistic preemies by sculpting a little 30 weeker. Who btw, is the cutest thing EVER :) I am SO happy with how he turned out! Then yesterday, hubby was on duty, I let the boys play Xbox and watch TV all day. We have banned them from both during the school days so they couldn't wake up early enough on the Saturday to get their hands on the controls hahahaha. Normally, I don't let them play all day as we usually go on playdates or run errands but yesterday I was feeling poorly, and it was POURING all day, so they played while I sat on the couch and sculpted mini babies.. And I've made two CUTIES!!! One Caucasian baby girl with slightly open eyes and a sleeping A/A baby... and I also made them clothes, pacifiers, toys and Similar bottles. So yeah, I've been busy :) This morning hubby came home and took over while I sit here catching up on e-mail and blogs I follow and later on, I will go "see" my dad... I really need to talk to him. And for some good news: Dear fellow sculptors... If you buy my book "Preemies" and you sculpt a preemie following my lead, you can win my next book "Newborns"!! I will go into more detail when the book is released and I I will have a preview of it featured here this coming week so come back to check it out. I wish you all have a magnificent Sunday! hugs Tina

His voice...

This morning I took the boys to school and off I went to get my teeth cleaned. I have a love of portable MP3 players, even though I have never owned an expensive one (good thing too because I am on my 4th in 2 years!!). As I was listening to Bon Jovi, all of a sudden, I heard my dad's voice!!! I had just parked the car (another good thing because I am pretty sure I would have had an accident had I been driving, such was my shock at the moment!), and I was about to unplug the player from my car's stereo system... I instantly knew where the recording had come from... we have another small player full of bedtime stories we plug to the boys' stereo in their room. The boys had a stereo in their room since they were brought home from the hospital. I always played music for them and as they grew older, I started playing recorded bedtime stories... My dad had babysat a few times for us, and even though most times we had managed to get the boys to sleep, a couple of times I guess, they were wide awake... So my dad must have gone in to re-start their MP3 player because he hit the "record" button and there it was: a 17 second sound clip with my dad's voice!!! Tears filled my eyes... I thought I had forgotten his voice yet I still have it! I will make copies of the sound file so I never lose it... It is funny how I try to hold on to little things about my dad... normal I guess but also weird... These days, after having gone through several of the stages of gried, I guess I am in denial now... because I keep thinking I will see dad any day now...and I keep thinking how much I have missed him and how much I have to tell him, and I will make his favorite dessert... and for a few moments I go on like this until I remember, that I will never see my dad again :( People tell me I look so much better... I stopped wearing all black a couple of days ago too. But it's not that I am "over it" ... I have burried myself to work and have managed to keep SO busy, I don't even have time to do the dishes this morning...but give me a moment of relaxation and a little room to breathe and my dad is ALL I can think about... sigh.

Baby Gus (Gus)

Ok so I can't stop calling him "Gus Gus"... You know... the original Cinderella? The little mouse?
but in reality "Gus" was my father's nickname...and since "Constantine" isn't really a flattering name for a baby, I think "Gus" (Gus) is :)

His pre-order page will open tonight. He will be a limited edition and based on the reactions I got, I expect he will be sold out quickly.
His release date is New Year's/January of 2012 so in about 10-12 weeks. Not too shabby :)

I will post "Gus" (Gus) (!!), link to his pre-order page tonight... as soon as I actual create it... after making breakfast for the family... and do the grocery shopping... and walk the dog... and feed the cat... and cook lunch... and play with the boys... and make them snacks... and cook dinner... ooooh, anyway... Tonight! lol :)

In the meanwhile you can have a look at my bouncing baby boy here:

Customize your own photo album

Negative (and a new baby :))

Ever since having the boys, well, a couple of years after I had them, I have been toying with the idea of having another baby... But I have been unsure actually... I had tried to make up my mind so while I was sitting in a park with the (now older) boys playing around and me not having to run around a toddler, I would say to myself "Imagine if you had a baby right now.... and she or he was crying...and you had to leave... or the baby was toddler and you were running around after it while keeping an eye on the older two... Surely you don't want another baby...!!!"

So basically I had been trying to talk myself out of it... for years.
Yet that stupid voice keeps chirping in my head going "baby this, baby that"... and the desire just won't unroot no matter how I try, no matter how sound my arguments are... On extremelly hard and disappointing days, the voice is silenced and the desire is blanketed temporarily... but just like my "bubbly" positivity, it keeps coming back (to my logic's dismay).

So I went around, thinking I didn't really know if I wanted a baby or not... until I actually had a shot at being pregnant this month... My friend Kris posted this on her Facebook page last night: "When you have to make a hard decision, flip a coin. Why? Because when that coin is in the air... you suddenly know what your hoping for"

SO TRUE!! Inspite my logic's solid arguments against having a baby and against actually being able to conceive one (remember, I am infertile)... I found myself looking up super-early pregnancy symptoms online... You know... just in case I had forgotten them from 8 years ago... (btw I had NO symptoms AT ALL with the boys until after the 12th week and after I had seen them multiple times on u/s).

And this morning, I got SO pissed at myself for holding my lower abdomen and repeating over and over again "please God, pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease" that I went out and bought a pregnancy test... which of course was negative... and of course I took it apart... just in case.. and turned it this way and that... and squinted at it... and it was still negative... and then I was super meticulous in making all evidence of my morning follies disappear in case hubby found so much as a pregnancy test wrapper in the house...

Yah, I know... disappointing to say the least... BUT at least now I know that given a chance at a baby, I would absolutely, without a second's hesitastion, GRAB IT. So I guess something good did come out of it... I now know for sure what I want... Logic-smogic... who cares? We will make it work... I can go without (ok, go without even more) for a chance at one more pregnancy, one more baby, one more newborn smell, one more breastfeeding, one more diapers, one more first tooth, first step, first birthday... just one more.

That said... where the heck is my period???

And all this made me hungry for one more OOAK ;) newborn... ultra newborn. I am still in the planning in my head phase, I have so much to finish and "Jack" should be arriving soon and Lucy is off to production and and and... so for now I am "OOAK pregnant" in my head ;)
But here you can see Lucy and pre-order her! So yes, I AM leaving you with pictures lol... Heck, I am leaving you with an entire website lol!!

http://www.tinakewy.com/lucy/index.htm

HUGS!
Tina

Missing...

It's almost 2am and I can't sleep... It's one of those nights I *must* get some sleep as tomorrow I will rise early; it's the boys' first day of school... The TV stations are all broadcasting 9/11 documentaries or films and found myself searching online for stories about 9/11.
It seems appropriate, even though I am not American, to remember and pray for those who lost their lives on that day 10 years ago.

I woke up in a bad mood today. All night last night I was dreaming not only of my dad but of my uncles who died of cancer a few years before my dad.
And as I was lying here, trying to sleep, I came to a stunning realization... Even though I watched my father die... even though I felt and saw him take his last breath, even though his heart stopped beating right under my fingertips, even though I felt it stop... it hadn't registered. I think I was (am?) in denial about what was going on... I think I was urging him on something, that wasn't release (death). I think at that moment, I thought if only he got to that point (died) everything would be ok, the next day my dad would be ok and back at his place, next to me... and we would talk about it and it would be a distant memory and we would live happily ever after...

Even though I was living it, it hadn't registered that this person was my dad... that my dad was not safe at home but dying right in front of my eyes and there would be no conversation and coffee tomorrow or ever again... These were my last moments with my dad... and even though I knew it... I didn't know it.

It is a lie things become better after a few days... It's been 16 days and I miss him more every day. I now remind myself more often that I cannot see him... that I cannot take him a plate of the food I just cooked. Heck, I've even stopped myself at the door, plate in hand.. I was getting ready to go downstairs to his apartment... then it hit me... he is not there.

It kinda seems appropriate to be so sad on this day, when half the world is mourning those who died 10 years ago... I wonder if the pain will ever be bearable...if I will be able to see his face in my head and just remember the good times, the jokes, his enthusiasm, his bubbly personality and just that... I am terrified that I will either forget the details or I will never be able to get the image of him dying/dead out of my head...

I can't find comfort. I am not sure I believe in the Afterlife at least as people portray it. Yet, I cannot stand the thought him just gone... Everything he was, everything he knew, everything he loved, everything he ever felt just whipped out the moment his heart stopped beating.
Was he dreaming maybe while in the comma? Could he hear us? Or was he, as the doctors say, already gone? He lasted 36hrs... his heart beat at 180 beats her minute for 36hrs... Was he aware and trying to live? To break out of it and come back? Or was it, as the doctors believe, just some lower brain parts that wouldn't quit, a strong heart and a few still working organs that made him last that long?

I was SO many regrets... I now realize I was in denial. I didn't really believe he was going to die when I called 911 on the 15th... I thought he would be treated and brought home... I didn't believe I was losing him when I didn't visit on the 24th... I SO wish I had. It will haunt me forever that I heard his voice for the last time two days before he passed. I could have had one more day with him... if only I knew and had visited on the 24th... but he was stable, nothing was worrying the doctors, nothing was showing them the end was near. He was in serious condition, yes, but nothing was pointing towards doom.

I guess it is easy for the dead. If there is an Afterlife, I do believe they live carefree as they should. The troubles of the world are theirs no longer... but for us, the living, the left behind, things are not that simple. We have a bunch of things to work through and at the end, we are changed and it is a painful lesson and a painful change. I must live with my remorse and my guilt that I could have done a better job... Maybe my insistence on not leaving his side those 36hrs from the time he went into the comma until his heart stopped beating under my fingertips, was my self-imposed punishment for not thinking for a moment this was it... For believing I had more time, for not telling him how much I loved him (although I told him over a million times in those final hours).

I will go ahead and admit it that I think he might be angry at me or worse, disappointed. And I so wish I had a sign from him, a dream, something, that he was ok, that he forgives me... but it's been days and it hasn't come. He is at peace but I am not... and it's ok during the day. So many things to do to keep the mind occupied... but now, at night, when even the pets are asleep, I am alone with my thoughts and I am troubled and tortured and I miss him so much... what I wouldn't give for a rewind, a do-over. I have so many things I wanted to ask him, so many things I wanted to tell him... he was my support, the screw holding me together...and now I am broken and unhinged and I don't know what to do anymore and how to find my footing again... but somehow I must keep putting one foot in front of the other and go on... because of the boys...

Parents... (and why I am an orphan)

I read a post today that struck a cord with me. You can find the whole post here:

Here is what struck me and why:
"...
Parents have all of these things to contend with and many, many more.

This is a surprise to you, I’m sure, because parents do their best to make their kids feel loved, safe, and in capable hands that will always make everything right. The truth is, however, that there were many days when your parents were dealing with something hard, but you were blissfully unaware. All you were exposed to were smiles, hugs, and the reassurance that all would be okay.
..."

That was my dad... the sky might be falling and he would reassure me he would always be there and it would be alright...
Even when he learned he was dying, he didn't say it... He reassured us he had arthritis and not extensive bone cancer, and he would be alright... To the end he was a true parent...

My mom on the other hand is the complete opposite. I learned from the age of 6 that I was the cause for all her troubles and her misery because I was born... I also learned she tried to abort me but because she had a number of serial abortions before me, the doctor refused... which "forced" her to marry my dad.
Oh mom... what a shame. You married a drop dead gorgeous, tall, kind, compasionate and honest man! OH THE TRAGEDY!!!!!!

When things went wrong my mom would say "Don't come crying to me if you get hurt" (or have your heart broken, or get pregnant or fail school or anything, you are on your own!). She never hugged me, she never assured me it would be fine. I lived in a constant state of stress. I would lay awake at night worrying if my kid brothers were prepared for school, if we had food in the fridge and if I had remembered to clean her dog's mess from the yard.

Anyway, so because of all of this, 6 year old Tina, knew she had hurt the one person that she was programmed to love more than anything... her mom. And I had to live with this knowledge... no surprise I was a "weird" kid.

The physical abuse and more importantly, the psychological abuse became horrible when she threw dad out. I was just 3 days shy of being 12... she turned to me with a thriumphant smile and said "You are old enough now... Raise your brothers. I am off to live my life..." and off she went, bringing boyfriend upon boyfriend at home.
She spent her entire fortune on herself and when my grandparents died, she blackmailed us and took for herself what our grandparents had left us and spent it, leaving us with nothing... and now she has blown her entire fortune, she comes to us demanding money, because she raised us and "we owe her" the money she spent to feed and clothe us all these years.

The tragic thing was that up to a certain age I thought ALL moms were like this. All families were like this... and I still trusted her. When she told me I was rotten, I believed her but in retrospect, I was a quiet, reserved child that never was a rebelious teenager.
I started putting the puzzle pieces together when I became a mom... And God please forgive me, do not ask me to forgive and forget because these were not the macchinations of a simple mind but of a clever woman who plotted and harmed her own children to get her way...I cannot live next to this person and for my mental sake, and my children's, I must be as far away from her as possible in order to find my balance and continue growing....

For all those reasons, I am an orphan.. The only parent I had was my dad and now he is gone... and I am an orphan...
Also I vowed that my kids will never look into my eyes and wonder if they were wanted... ever.

A new baby...

Ok I was tempted to title this post "A New Hope"... you know.. Star Wars? Anybody?? Am I the only sci-fi, Trekkie weirdo in the room?? *sigh*

Sculpting has been therapeutic... I still bawl my eyes out but hey, a girl's gotta eat, right? (and her kids along with her lol). So I am tentatively getting back to work. I know dad would have wanted it too.
I wanted to share Rylan with you. He is an amazing mini boy at 13" (11" with bent legs). A full term baby. I posted him for sale the other day. Here are some pics I took of him :) He is SO much better in person though! His price is 620 Euros shipped and he comes with two outfits and two pacifiers (sculpted for him) plus a toy and COA. I will consider a reasonable offer as well so contact me if you are interested.

Someday..

Someday, 20:50pm will come and go and I won't notice...
Someday, I will be able to take another deep breath and it will not catch...
Someday, I will only remember his voice, his laugh, his smile, his sparkling eyes...
Someday, I will be able to talk about him and I will only smile...

One day, some day, but not today or tomorrow or in a month or in six months...
It's been one week almost to the minute. 15 minutes ago, a week ago, I was hovering behind a closed hospital room door while the doctors determined he had really, really taken his last breath in this world... One day, the image of his gray skin, colored by death imminent will be forever replaced by the familiar image of him smiling his half crooked, charming smile... but it was his eyes that always smiled more, sparkling like diamonds...

I miss you Daddy... you were my favorite person in the entire world aside from my kids, the person I loved the most, I needed the most...
Someday I will learn how to go on without you, and I will stop thinking "I should call Dad, I haven't heard from him today"... I will glide through life again effortlesly, fully accustomed to my new "normal"...

I promise you, I will make you very proud. I will be the person you wanted me to be... and I will never stop sculpting the babies you loved so, so much. You were the proudest dad you said, sharing my dolls with anyone who had time to look through the photos.

Others pay tribute by signing, painting, writing songs and poems... I sculpt. That's what I do, that's the tribute I can offer.

I love you Daddy... I miss you so, so much...

The "process"

According to the Kubler-Ross model, there are 5 stages to dealing with a loss..
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Not everyone goes through every single one and each person can go through them in a different order.
I started off with anger. Anger mostly towards my mom because with her actions, she denied me my dad in my teenage years and she had even managed to convince us he was a horrible person for a while and keep us away from him...

I was even angry at dad ... Why didn't he tell us?? There are so many thigns I would have done differently if I knew. I am putting together little pieces, a look, a phrase, his sadness, the slight quiver in his voice when he called me to say his scans were clear (they were not) and come to the conclusion that he knew he was dying...
Lastly night I briefly went through denial. "I can't believe my dad is gone" I told hubby. And honestly, I couldn't. It had been a few days and I was starting to miss him so I started to prepare to go downstairs to say hi... and I stopped dead cold realizing he wasn't there... he will never be there again.

I know people are close with their dad but since I have no mom, at least not in any meaningful motherly way - as she says often - she is just a friend, my dad was EVERYTHING TO ME. He was my rock, my safe harbor, my confessor, the first person I called in joy or in crisis. He was all I had in terms of a family. I am an orphan... I am alone.

I am going through anger still.. I am angry at myself. That time he asked me to come down and I took half an hour because I was "busy"... or that time I didn't cook and he was hungry. Why didn't I know?? If only I had known, I would have spent every minute with him. There are so many things I wanted to ask him!! I don't even know what he wanted when he died. He never told us he would die. I didn't believe he would die, I had no clue. I really thought he would be the one to escape death's grasp.

The nightmares have started. I had one last night. What if my dad is mad at me? I had asked him for a sign he was ok where he went but I got nightmares instead. What if he is mad at me? I am certainly full of regrets myself. The list of "things I would have done differently" keeps playing on an infinite loop in my head...

I have zero patience for the boys. I want to open the door and start running, go somewhere, do something but I feel like the boys are lead chains that hold me down. Don't get me wrong, I love them, you know that... but I can't be around them right now. All I do is yell at them and all they do is whine and demand whatever it is little boys demand (more time on the Xbox, toys etc).
And I have NO patience for it.

I am angry at other people too.. like my mother in law. Instead of staying for a few days to help out, instead of asking or offering to take over so I can properly mourn, she took off. She came for 24 hrs, was 10 minutes late for the funeral, then took off like her house was on fire.

Hubby, doesn't fully get it. He was been ok, but thinks I must move on. I can see it in his eyes he doesn't want to talk about it. He prefers not to hear it or feel it. He has a list of things I "must do" ... but I have zero energy. All I want to do is sit on the couch all day if I am at home.
And sculpt... I want to sculpt, I want to create. Dad was SO proud of my sculpting. He would tell everyone, show everyone and his eyes would sparkle so...

I miss dad...

The messy business of dying...

Dying is messy... Especially when you die slowly and not instantly (i.e. from an accident). I don't think I will ever forget the "beep beep" alarm from the monitor in my dad's last 36hrs. It keeps replaying on a loop in my head, ringing in my ears for the past 2 days now.

I am afraid  I will forget his voice... I have so many regrets. I fear I did something wrong and he is angry with me.
When they told us it is hopeless, I accepted it and said I didn't want him in pain.. but when he was slipping the only thought in my head was "No! I was wrong! I changed my mind!! Do everything, ANYTHING, just make him better!!"
I don't know if he made peace and if he wanted to die. I know he didn't want to die but maybe in the last moments you make your peace and you are OK... I don't know if he was/did. All I know is when he slipped into a coma, they gave him a shot that woke him up very briefly and Andrew, my brother, asked him if he is in pain, and he moved his eyebrows upwards in a "no" motion. That's all he wanted, not to be in pain, however he did not want to die...

I wish my last memories of him weren't the ones I have. I wish I had the luxury of not seeing him in a coma, struggling, I wish I hadn't heard the agony moans, I wish I hadn't felt his breath under my fingertips and his heart's last beats. Dying is messy... it is not peaceful like you see in the movies. I saw it, and I've felt it and it was not easy or a "release" at all.
But I was determined he wouldn't die alone. Even though we had never discussed it, in my heart I felt he did not want to go alone, he was afraid and even though I hadn't slept in two days, even though my pain was unbearable, I stayed there and held his hand and I kept saying "I love you" over and over again until the burdens and the pain of this world got to be too much for him.
His heart held on for 36 hrs. He fought valiantly, he was SO brave.. I want to be just like him...

Now, there are a hundred little details I need to take care of. He was expecting to die, he hadn't made any back up plans... he hadn't any money saved up for a funeral. He hadn't paid his bills or the rent. Silly little things, I know, but still, these need to be taken care of.
Dying is messy... and painful for us left behind. I need to make peace with things as well.

My dad was a great man, one of those honest, good men, joking and laughing his way until the last minute of his life. I miss him more than words can say..

Meet my dad...

My dad, was the greatest dad in the world!! He was the kind of person that made friends EVERYWHERE he went and you won't find a single person to tell you he didn't like him and be telling the truth.

My dad was born on March 5th 1950 in Athens. He has gray colored eyes and light brown hair. He loved dogs and always had one. He also loved kids... He was an automotive engineer but when he got married to my mom, he worked in the factory they owned. He wasn't just a boss. He was right there, doing labor with the workers. I grew up playing with the worker's kids. He was friends with everyone. Even today, workers still visited to say hello.

When I had the boys he was the happiest I had ever seen him. He was simply beaming with pride and love. The boys and he were very close. Cody is named after him. We saw him every day since he moved to the building across the street from us and last year, he moved into our building on the floor below.

I had never ever asked my dad about something to be told no. Even if it was his last 10 Euro bill, his last bite, the last bit of strength I asked of him, he would give it to me.
When he got really sick, he hid it from us. He did not want to be a burden or make us sad. I thought he didn't know but it turns out he did. He knew he was dying. He just didn't want to be in pain.
Even in his final days, he was so upbeat. He knew he couldn't beat this thing but you never saw him without a smile.

I wish *I* knew about his condition. He made such an effort to hide his pain and his misery, I honestly thought he was ok.
He did not want to go to the hospital on the 15th... I think he was hoping the end was near and he wanted to die at home. I took him anyway. He spend his final 11 days in the hospital. I am sure he would have preferred to be home though. He didn't complain.
The entire floor knew him soon. When he passed, people stopped me at every corner because they had heard.
He had zero enemies.. he has a million friends.
John has exactly the same toes as my dad did...
He loved cars but he never owed a new one or an expensive one.
He never ever spoke a single harsh word of anyone. He always looked at the positive of people, ignoring any evil or bad side.. it often worked against him.
He trully believed people were inherently good..
He put up a huge, valiant fight, proving all doctors wrong. He lasted 36 hrs with a crazy high heartrate. Even with a blood pressure of 2, his heart never quit...I hope I inherited his heart.
He was a family man. He never re-married. After my mom grew tired of him and threw him out, he still loved her and would spend the rest of his life wondering why...
My dad has the patience of a mule. Life threw loads of things at him and he took them with a smile. He always got up when he fell down with a smile. He was the most optimistic person I know.
He was certainly my most favorite person other than my kids. I only wish I knew about the severity of his condition. I have a lot of regrets. I wish I had spent more time with him.
When the time came, I wished I could scream "Wait! I've changed my mind!!! Make him all better!!" but it was too late. In my head I know that bone cancer is ALWAYS fatal... but in my heart, I wish I had known he had it, I wish he hadn't lied to me, and I wish I had fought it... I wish I had another 15 years with my dad...
His favorite fruit was watermelon. He liked sorbet ice creams more than chocolate or vanilla.
He was kind, forgiving and tolerant. He was the easiest person to get along with!
Even after the cancer spread, he still lasted 5 months when others died with a few weeks.
He was strong inside and out... and I wish more than anything, to be just like him!

I love Daddy... I miss you so much. I can't believe I won't see you again in this life... I keep thinking I will come downstairs and you will be right there... Fly high and watch over us...

The weird thing about life...

I have found myself in a peculiar place these past few days.. I am inmessurably sad, breaking out in sobs, finding myself unable to take a deep breath at times... I am sad, I am sad about my dad and I can't believe he won't be here a while later... But, at the same time I have caught myself laughing with my son... enjoying a coffee at home... Loosing myself into sculpting well past midnight... Thinking about First Grade, making plans for the future...

Life is so weird! Just last night in the midst of all, after dad was given his morphine and fell asleep, I found myself in the courtyard with my brothers, my mother and two friends, laughing and joking one minute, being serious, analyzing and crying the next... How odd!! Odd for a black and white person like me. I have often found it hard to understand life at times... maybe I am a little Aspergerian myself, like my son, who knows.. maybe everyone is like me and have difficulty wrapping their mind around things at times...

I found it SO odd when yesterday I opened the fridge and it was empty.. I opened my wallet and it was empty... I cocked my head on one side like a puppy, pondering the strangeness of the situation... Surely when your world is in such turmoil the fridge WILL fill itself and money WILL appear on their own accord in your wallet, right? I mean, my dad is dying, my only family, the one person I am closest to, the one person I tell everything, the first person I call in a crisis... So surely, things like food and money must make themselves available to me just like that...
But no. I still have to go to the super market, I still have to work and sell and ship to have money...

I told George last night I wanted to just scream "STOOOOOP!!!" and have everything stop for a while... Just stop, let me think it over for a minute, take a deep breath, lay out a plan, come to grips... But it doesn't work this way..

The sun still comes up every morning, I still dream carefree (mostly) each night. My son still makes jokes and I laugh. I still get hugs and kisses. I still must walk the dog x3 a day and the cat still wakes me up at 5am for his breakfast... I still must pay my insurance on Friday.
However, everything seems to be under a heavy blanket of something... it's the same life as before but different. I still laugh with my son, but something holds me back. I still enjoy my coffee but it tastes a little different... I still say my nightly prayers but I am lost for words...

Life is so weird!

End of life...

My dad lies in a hospital bed in what the doctors seem to think is his last leg.. He is only 61 years old but cancer has consumed him.
I left him a week ago, on a Saturday morning, a little bit run down but ok, and returned on the Monday to find him unable to hold a glass of water. I called 911 and off we went to the hospital. He didn't want to go.. It took a lot of cajoling on my part and promises that I would return him to his home soon... "Let's go so they can check you out and I can sleep easy tonight" I told him, smoothing over the untold, rough edges of my fears.
I came home at 4.20am the next morning... he was admitted.

Slowly, I have come to grips with the reality of what is going on. I mourn... He is still alive, yet I find myself unable to stop crying, unable to do any housework, hiding in my room, allowing my son to play for hours on the Xbox so he won't see me crying. I talk about my dad behind closed doors but Cody has caught on. It is difficult not to hear me or see me... after all, we live in a tiny apartment, there aren't many places for me to hide.

We haven't told him... we haven't told him that the doctors believe he won't walk out the hospital. I can't bear the thought that soon he might be gone. He is my only family. Why him? Millions upon millions of evil people in the world, people who have killed, stollen, murdered, raped... why my dad? You couldn't find a kinder man, a more honest man. He never hurt anyone in his entire life... and the only things he will leave behind are a good name, us three kids and two grandkids. Not a penny in the bank, not a fancy house, not because he hasn't worked hard in his life, the contrary, but because material possesions never mattered to him...

When he was diagnosed, two years ago almost to the day, I truly thought he would be the one to make it... Cancer has already claimed 3 of his siblings but I thought he would be the lucky one to get away. I guess until recently I still believed it... I am not so sure now. In fact I think I know deep down inside he will die soon... not because his doctors tell me so... I have learned long ago not to trust them and that what they give me is their best educated guess and not a fact. They are not God and have no knowledge of God's will either...They guess... and sometimes they are right because the chances are either or... just like when you are pregnant. You will either get a boy or a girl... no matter what you pick, you have a 50% chance of being spot on.

No, it's not the doctor's grim prognosis that make me believe my dad will die... It's the fact that he wants to die... The spark in his eye is gone, the fight is draining for him. He has fought so bravely, lasted more than siblings did, sacrificed parts of his body, his quality of life, just for a chance of remission... and it seems that this has been denied for him.
The cancer seems to have spread to the bones, consuming him rapidly, like a wild fire. A month or so ago, his scans were clean, now his body is crawling with cancer. The doctors throw their hands up in the air... and I... I don't know what to do next. My brain is buzzing, the thoughts coming so fast I can't even control them.

Life goes on inspite my turmoil. Bills still come in, I still need to cook and clean. Dolls need to be sculpted, sold and paid for so I can bring food to the table... I still need to walk the dog... and I get mad. I get mad at my husband because he is not picking up any of the slack! He will hold me and say things that sound nice but he won't do anything to really help.
What's gonna happen if dad is gone? Where will I find the thousands required for a funeral?
What will I do with his stuff? What about the small loan he took from the bank? Will I have to pay it? He has nothing to his name... must children pay their dead parents' debts?
What will I do with his cat? And while doing all that, who will put food in our table?
Selfish thoughts I know, but the reality is that the world did not stop turning this week.. I am left with $60 in my wallet and if I don't pay our car insurance by Friday, they will terminate it.

My dad is dying... everything else seems mute... yet it isn't. Where is my balance? How do I do this alone? There are no kindly neighbors to cook me something or babysit... or are they and I am just too proud to accept help? My dad faked feeling ok for a few months, which is why it took me so long to figure it out. He didn't want to burden me... he still doesn't. I don't even know what to pray for anymore.

I want to bang down God's door and beg for complete healing... fast. Yet at the same time I want to beg for mercy, for a swift, merciful, liberating death for him... for him to fly free of this rotten body that no longer functions... but I want to keep him here for many more years!!
What does this all mean for me? Will I die of cancer too? Do I only have a few years left? Can I stop it from happening? I don't smoke or drink and I am healthy for now... Why can't I turn off my brain???

And just like that, they are gone...

My boys are off to a few days of pampering with grandma on the mountains.
We got them up very early and loaded them into a bus with their godmother and off they went.
Cody was emotional and clearly torn between wanting to go and wanting to stay with mommy.
John, as always the cool and level headed one, didn't even glance back, didn't even kiss me goodbye and skipped happily away... Kinda broke my heart but I know he loves me, he just has dificulty adjusting to social standards because in his world, he knows he loves me, there is no need for social musts like a kiss goodbye or even say the words "I love you mommy".

They have arrived safely and when I called them a minute ago, they were outside playing and enjoying a spectacular view from the house which is perched at the edge of a cliff overlooking the mountains.

Since they have been gone, I went out for a date with George. It was silly really, it was as if we couldn't wait to get out of the house, like someone was going to bring them back any minute. We haven't been on a date for months and since we had the boys the times someone kept them so we could go out are counted in the fingers of one hand, so needless to say, we were starving for some alone time outside the house.

We had lunch, then a coffee and then ice cream, it was wonderful. We acted like two school children whose bags are already packed and they dash out the door milliseconds even before the bell rings for dismissal.

I enjoyed a night of uninterrupted sleep and I got up in my own time in the morning. It was awesome. As I was vacuuming, It occured to me as if it was new, that I was alone and would be alone all day without the kids but I felt at peace. Even at school, I was always missing them and worrying about them, because I didn't trust their teacher and I thought they were not happy there. But since I know they are having a blast right now, even without me, I am at peace.

I know this all sounds strange to some, especially to those who are lucky to have parents on both sides who actually care about their grandchildren, enjoy spending time with them and gladly take them for a weekend every other month or babysit regularly etc.
But to me, having no help (not even hired help) this interlude of 4 days without them is a HUGE thing and it won't be repeated again for at least a year.
So here I am on one hand missing them, on the other jumping for joy. A million "I want to dos" is running through my head and I know I don't have enough time for everything because, truth be told, the #1 priority is finishing my chores and sculpting...which in itself  will leave little time for anything else... Can't believe I am child free for 4 more days :)
Can't believe they are not in their room :(

Am I crazy??

I dislike...

I am groutchy from yesterday and Cody's misbehaving, cutting my finger so deep and the state of my apartment at the moment so here goes...
I dislike that people I used to like, now make money off their blogs and they post stupid things and giveaways and the such just for you to click on the ads...

I dislike that they used to write about their story and I would follow it but in the end anything meaninful is gone and it's just about the money. They used to reply to your comments or e-mails but not anymore.

Yeah, I am groutchy today... the only that kinda cheers me up is the adorable preemie head waiting for me to give him limbs on work table (and the promise of ice cream later!!).
Oh and that Jack's waxes are done and they are great and very soon I will have my sample vinyls... ok still groutchy... Humph.