Dying is messy... Especially when you die slowly and not instantly (i.e. from an accident). I don't think I will ever forget the "beep beep" alarm from the monitor in my dad's last 36hrs. It keeps replaying on a loop in my head, ringing in my ears for the past 2 days now.
I am afraid I will forget his voice... I have so many regrets. I fear I did something wrong and he is angry with me.
When they told us it is hopeless, I accepted it and said I didn't want him in pain.. but when he was slipping the only thought in my head was "No! I was wrong! I changed my mind!! Do everything, ANYTHING, just make him better!!"
I don't know if he made peace and if he wanted to die. I know he didn't want to die but maybe in the last moments you make your peace and you are OK... I don't know if he was/did. All I know is when he slipped into a coma, they gave him a shot that woke him up very briefly and Andrew, my brother, asked him if he is in pain, and he moved his eyebrows upwards in a "no" motion. That's all he wanted, not to be in pain, however he did not want to die...
I wish my last memories of him weren't the ones I have. I wish I had the luxury of not seeing him in a coma, struggling, I wish I hadn't heard the agony moans, I wish I hadn't felt his breath under my fingertips and his heart's last beats. Dying is messy... it is not peaceful like you see in the movies. I saw it, and I've felt it and it was not easy or a "release" at all.
But I was determined he wouldn't die alone. Even though we had never discussed it, in my heart I felt he did not want to go alone, he was afraid and even though I hadn't slept in two days, even though my pain was unbearable, I stayed there and held his hand and I kept saying "I love you" over and over again until the burdens and the pain of this world got to be too much for him.
His heart held on for 36 hrs. He fought valiantly, he was SO brave.. I want to be just like him...
Now, there are a hundred little details I need to take care of. He was expecting to die, he hadn't made any back up plans... he hadn't any money saved up for a funeral. He hadn't paid his bills or the rent. Silly little things, I know, but still, these need to be taken care of.
Dying is messy... and painful for us left behind. I need to make peace with things as well.
My dad was a great man, one of those honest, good men, joking and laughing his way until the last minute of his life. I miss him more than words can say..
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Meet my dad...
My dad, was the greatest dad in the world!! He was the kind of person that made friends EVERYWHERE he went and you won't find a single person to tell you he didn't like him and be telling the truth.
My dad was born on March 5th 1950 in Athens. He has gray colored eyes and light brown hair. He loved dogs and always had one. He also loved kids... He was an automotive engineer but when he got married to my mom, he worked in the factory they owned. He wasn't just a boss. He was right there, doing labor with the workers. I grew up playing with the worker's kids. He was friends with everyone. Even today, workers still visited to say hello.
When I had the boys he was the happiest I had ever seen him. He was simply beaming with pride and love. The boys and he were very close. Cody is named after him. We saw him every day since he moved to the building across the street from us and last year, he moved into our building on the floor below.
I had never ever asked my dad about something to be told no. Even if it was his last 10 Euro bill, his last bite, the last bit of strength I asked of him, he would give it to me.
When he got really sick, he hid it from us. He did not want to be a burden or make us sad. I thought he didn't know but it turns out he did. He knew he was dying. He just didn't want to be in pain.
Even in his final days, he was so upbeat. He knew he couldn't beat this thing but you never saw him without a smile.
I wish *I* knew about his condition. He made such an effort to hide his pain and his misery, I honestly thought he was ok.
He did not want to go to the hospital on the 15th... I think he was hoping the end was near and he wanted to die at home. I took him anyway. He spend his final 11 days in the hospital. I am sure he would have preferred to be home though. He didn't complain.
The entire floor knew him soon. When he passed, people stopped me at every corner because they had heard.
He had zero enemies.. he has a million friends.
John has exactly the same toes as my dad did...
He loved cars but he never owed a new one or an expensive one.
He never ever spoke a single harsh word of anyone. He always looked at the positive of people, ignoring any evil or bad side.. it often worked against him.
He trully believed people were inherently good..
He put up a huge, valiant fight, proving all doctors wrong. He lasted 36 hrs with a crazy high heartrate. Even with a blood pressure of 2, his heart never quit...I hope I inherited his heart.
He was a family man. He never re-married. After my mom grew tired of him and threw him out, he still loved her and would spend the rest of his life wondering why...
My dad has the patience of a mule. Life threw loads of things at him and he took them with a smile. He always got up when he fell down with a smile. He was the most optimistic person I know.
He was certainly my most favorite person other than my kids. I only wish I knew about the severity of his condition. I have a lot of regrets. I wish I had spent more time with him.
When the time came, I wished I could scream "Wait! I've changed my mind!!! Make him all better!!" but it was too late. In my head I know that bone cancer is ALWAYS fatal... but in my heart, I wish I had known he had it, I wish he hadn't lied to me, and I wish I had fought it... I wish I had another 15 years with my dad...
His favorite fruit was watermelon. He liked sorbet ice creams more than chocolate or vanilla.
He was kind, forgiving and tolerant. He was the easiest person to get along with!
Even after the cancer spread, he still lasted 5 months when others died with a few weeks.
He was strong inside and out... and I wish more than anything, to be just like him!
I love Daddy... I miss you so much. I can't believe I won't see you again in this life... I keep thinking I will come downstairs and you will be right there... Fly high and watch over us...
My dad was born on March 5th 1950 in Athens. He has gray colored eyes and light brown hair. He loved dogs and always had one. He also loved kids... He was an automotive engineer but when he got married to my mom, he worked in the factory they owned. He wasn't just a boss. He was right there, doing labor with the workers. I grew up playing with the worker's kids. He was friends with everyone. Even today, workers still visited to say hello.
When I had the boys he was the happiest I had ever seen him. He was simply beaming with pride and love. The boys and he were very close. Cody is named after him. We saw him every day since he moved to the building across the street from us and last year, he moved into our building on the floor below.
I had never ever asked my dad about something to be told no. Even if it was his last 10 Euro bill, his last bite, the last bit of strength I asked of him, he would give it to me.
When he got really sick, he hid it from us. He did not want to be a burden or make us sad. I thought he didn't know but it turns out he did. He knew he was dying. He just didn't want to be in pain.
Even in his final days, he was so upbeat. He knew he couldn't beat this thing but you never saw him without a smile.
I wish *I* knew about his condition. He made such an effort to hide his pain and his misery, I honestly thought he was ok.
He did not want to go to the hospital on the 15th... I think he was hoping the end was near and he wanted to die at home. I took him anyway. He spend his final 11 days in the hospital. I am sure he would have preferred to be home though. He didn't complain.
The entire floor knew him soon. When he passed, people stopped me at every corner because they had heard.
He had zero enemies.. he has a million friends.
John has exactly the same toes as my dad did...
He loved cars but he never owed a new one or an expensive one.
He never ever spoke a single harsh word of anyone. He always looked at the positive of people, ignoring any evil or bad side.. it often worked against him.
He trully believed people were inherently good..
He put up a huge, valiant fight, proving all doctors wrong. He lasted 36 hrs with a crazy high heartrate. Even with a blood pressure of 2, his heart never quit...I hope I inherited his heart.
He was a family man. He never re-married. After my mom grew tired of him and threw him out, he still loved her and would spend the rest of his life wondering why...
My dad has the patience of a mule. Life threw loads of things at him and he took them with a smile. He always got up when he fell down with a smile. He was the most optimistic person I know.
He was certainly my most favorite person other than my kids. I only wish I knew about the severity of his condition. I have a lot of regrets. I wish I had spent more time with him.
When the time came, I wished I could scream "Wait! I've changed my mind!!! Make him all better!!" but it was too late. In my head I know that bone cancer is ALWAYS fatal... but in my heart, I wish I had known he had it, I wish he hadn't lied to me, and I wish I had fought it... I wish I had another 15 years with my dad...
His favorite fruit was watermelon. He liked sorbet ice creams more than chocolate or vanilla.
He was kind, forgiving and tolerant. He was the easiest person to get along with!
Even after the cancer spread, he still lasted 5 months when others died with a few weeks.
He was strong inside and out... and I wish more than anything, to be just like him!
I love Daddy... I miss you so much. I can't believe I won't see you again in this life... I keep thinking I will come downstairs and you will be right there... Fly high and watch over us...
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The weird thing about life...
I have found myself in a peculiar place these past few days.. I am inmessurably sad, breaking out in sobs, finding myself unable to take a deep breath at times... I am sad, I am sad about my dad and I can't believe he won't be here a while later... But, at the same time I have caught myself laughing with my son... enjoying a coffee at home... Loosing myself into sculpting well past midnight... Thinking about First Grade, making plans for the future...
Life is so weird! Just last night in the midst of all, after dad was given his morphine and fell asleep, I found myself in the courtyard with my brothers, my mother and two friends, laughing and joking one minute, being serious, analyzing and crying the next... How odd!! Odd for a black and white person like me. I have often found it hard to understand life at times... maybe I am a little Aspergerian myself, like my son, who knows.. maybe everyone is like me and have difficulty wrapping their mind around things at times...
I found it SO odd when yesterday I opened the fridge and it was empty.. I opened my wallet and it was empty... I cocked my head on one side like a puppy, pondering the strangeness of the situation... Surely when your world is in such turmoil the fridge WILL fill itself and money WILL appear on their own accord in your wallet, right? I mean, my dad is dying, my only family, the one person I am closest to, the one person I tell everything, the first person I call in a crisis... So surely, things like food and money must make themselves available to me just like that...
But no. I still have to go to the super market, I still have to work and sell and ship to have money...
I told George last night I wanted to just scream "STOOOOOP!!!" and have everything stop for a while... Just stop, let me think it over for a minute, take a deep breath, lay out a plan, come to grips... But it doesn't work this way..
The sun still comes up every morning, I still dream carefree (mostly) each night. My son still makes jokes and I laugh. I still get hugs and kisses. I still must walk the dog x3 a day and the cat still wakes me up at 5am for his breakfast... I still must pay my insurance on Friday.
However, everything seems to be under a heavy blanket of something... it's the same life as before but different. I still laugh with my son, but something holds me back. I still enjoy my coffee but it tastes a little different... I still say my nightly prayers but I am lost for words...
Life is so weird!
Life is so weird! Just last night in the midst of all, after dad was given his morphine and fell asleep, I found myself in the courtyard with my brothers, my mother and two friends, laughing and joking one minute, being serious, analyzing and crying the next... How odd!! Odd for a black and white person like me. I have often found it hard to understand life at times... maybe I am a little Aspergerian myself, like my son, who knows.. maybe everyone is like me and have difficulty wrapping their mind around things at times...
I found it SO odd when yesterday I opened the fridge and it was empty.. I opened my wallet and it was empty... I cocked my head on one side like a puppy, pondering the strangeness of the situation... Surely when your world is in such turmoil the fridge WILL fill itself and money WILL appear on their own accord in your wallet, right? I mean, my dad is dying, my only family, the one person I am closest to, the one person I tell everything, the first person I call in a crisis... So surely, things like food and money must make themselves available to me just like that...
But no. I still have to go to the super market, I still have to work and sell and ship to have money...
I told George last night I wanted to just scream "STOOOOOP!!!" and have everything stop for a while... Just stop, let me think it over for a minute, take a deep breath, lay out a plan, come to grips... But it doesn't work this way..
The sun still comes up every morning, I still dream carefree (mostly) each night. My son still makes jokes and I laugh. I still get hugs and kisses. I still must walk the dog x3 a day and the cat still wakes me up at 5am for his breakfast... I still must pay my insurance on Friday.
However, everything seems to be under a heavy blanket of something... it's the same life as before but different. I still laugh with my son, but something holds me back. I still enjoy my coffee but it tastes a little different... I still say my nightly prayers but I am lost for words...
Life is so weird!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
End of life...
My dad lies in a hospital bed in what the doctors seem to think is his last leg.. He is only 61 years old but cancer has consumed him.
I left him a week ago, on a Saturday morning, a little bit run down but ok, and returned on the Monday to find him unable to hold a glass of water. I called 911 and off we went to the hospital. He didn't want to go.. It took a lot of cajoling on my part and promises that I would return him to his home soon... "Let's go so they can check you out and I can sleep easy tonight" I told him, smoothing over the untold, rough edges of my fears.
I came home at 4.20am the next morning... he was admitted.
Slowly, I have come to grips with the reality of what is going on. I mourn... He is still alive, yet I find myself unable to stop crying, unable to do any housework, hiding in my room, allowing my son to play for hours on the Xbox so he won't see me crying. I talk about my dad behind closed doors but Cody has caught on. It is difficult not to hear me or see me... after all, we live in a tiny apartment, there aren't many places for me to hide.
We haven't told him... we haven't told him that the doctors believe he won't walk out the hospital. I can't bear the thought that soon he might be gone. He is my only family. Why him? Millions upon millions of evil people in the world, people who have killed, stollen, murdered, raped... why my dad? You couldn't find a kinder man, a more honest man. He never hurt anyone in his entire life... and the only things he will leave behind are a good name, us three kids and two grandkids. Not a penny in the bank, not a fancy house, not because he hasn't worked hard in his life, the contrary, but because material possesions never mattered to him...
When he was diagnosed, two years ago almost to the day, I truly thought he would be the one to make it... Cancer has already claimed 3 of his siblings but I thought he would be the lucky one to get away. I guess until recently I still believed it... I am not so sure now. In fact I think I know deep down inside he will die soon... not because his doctors tell me so... I have learned long ago not to trust them and that what they give me is their best educated guess and not a fact. They are not God and have no knowledge of God's will either...They guess... and sometimes they are right because the chances are either or... just like when you are pregnant. You will either get a boy or a girl... no matter what you pick, you have a 50% chance of being spot on.
No, it's not the doctor's grim prognosis that make me believe my dad will die... It's the fact that he wants to die... The spark in his eye is gone, the fight is draining for him. He has fought so bravely, lasted more than siblings did, sacrificed parts of his body, his quality of life, just for a chance of remission... and it seems that this has been denied for him.
The cancer seems to have spread to the bones, consuming him rapidly, like a wild fire. A month or so ago, his scans were clean, now his body is crawling with cancer. The doctors throw their hands up in the air... and I... I don't know what to do next. My brain is buzzing, the thoughts coming so fast I can't even control them.
Life goes on inspite my turmoil. Bills still come in, I still need to cook and clean. Dolls need to be sculpted, sold and paid for so I can bring food to the table... I still need to walk the dog... and I get mad. I get mad at my husband because he is not picking up any of the slack! He will hold me and say things that sound nice but he won't do anything to really help.
What's gonna happen if dad is gone? Where will I find the thousands required for a funeral?
What will I do with his stuff? What about the small loan he took from the bank? Will I have to pay it? He has nothing to his name... must children pay their dead parents' debts?
What will I do with his cat? And while doing all that, who will put food in our table?
Selfish thoughts I know, but the reality is that the world did not stop turning this week.. I am left with $60 in my wallet and if I don't pay our car insurance by Friday, they will terminate it.
My dad is dying... everything else seems mute... yet it isn't. Where is my balance? How do I do this alone? There are no kindly neighbors to cook me something or babysit... or are they and I am just too proud to accept help? My dad faked feeling ok for a few months, which is why it took me so long to figure it out. He didn't want to burden me... he still doesn't. I don't even know what to pray for anymore.
I want to bang down God's door and beg for complete healing... fast. Yet at the same time I want to beg for mercy, for a swift, merciful, liberating death for him... for him to fly free of this rotten body that no longer functions... but I want to keep him here for many more years!!
What does this all mean for me? Will I die of cancer too? Do I only have a few years left? Can I stop it from happening? I don't smoke or drink and I am healthy for now... Why can't I turn off my brain???
I left him a week ago, on a Saturday morning, a little bit run down but ok, and returned on the Monday to find him unable to hold a glass of water. I called 911 and off we went to the hospital. He didn't want to go.. It took a lot of cajoling on my part and promises that I would return him to his home soon... "Let's go so they can check you out and I can sleep easy tonight" I told him, smoothing over the untold, rough edges of my fears.
I came home at 4.20am the next morning... he was admitted.
Slowly, I have come to grips with the reality of what is going on. I mourn... He is still alive, yet I find myself unable to stop crying, unable to do any housework, hiding in my room, allowing my son to play for hours on the Xbox so he won't see me crying. I talk about my dad behind closed doors but Cody has caught on. It is difficult not to hear me or see me... after all, we live in a tiny apartment, there aren't many places for me to hide.
We haven't told him... we haven't told him that the doctors believe he won't walk out the hospital. I can't bear the thought that soon he might be gone. He is my only family. Why him? Millions upon millions of evil people in the world, people who have killed, stollen, murdered, raped... why my dad? You couldn't find a kinder man, a more honest man. He never hurt anyone in his entire life... and the only things he will leave behind are a good name, us three kids and two grandkids. Not a penny in the bank, not a fancy house, not because he hasn't worked hard in his life, the contrary, but because material possesions never mattered to him...
When he was diagnosed, two years ago almost to the day, I truly thought he would be the one to make it... Cancer has already claimed 3 of his siblings but I thought he would be the lucky one to get away. I guess until recently I still believed it... I am not so sure now. In fact I think I know deep down inside he will die soon... not because his doctors tell me so... I have learned long ago not to trust them and that what they give me is their best educated guess and not a fact. They are not God and have no knowledge of God's will either...They guess... and sometimes they are right because the chances are either or... just like when you are pregnant. You will either get a boy or a girl... no matter what you pick, you have a 50% chance of being spot on.
No, it's not the doctor's grim prognosis that make me believe my dad will die... It's the fact that he wants to die... The spark in his eye is gone, the fight is draining for him. He has fought so bravely, lasted more than siblings did, sacrificed parts of his body, his quality of life, just for a chance of remission... and it seems that this has been denied for him.
The cancer seems to have spread to the bones, consuming him rapidly, like a wild fire. A month or so ago, his scans were clean, now his body is crawling with cancer. The doctors throw their hands up in the air... and I... I don't know what to do next. My brain is buzzing, the thoughts coming so fast I can't even control them.
Life goes on inspite my turmoil. Bills still come in, I still need to cook and clean. Dolls need to be sculpted, sold and paid for so I can bring food to the table... I still need to walk the dog... and I get mad. I get mad at my husband because he is not picking up any of the slack! He will hold me and say things that sound nice but he won't do anything to really help.
What's gonna happen if dad is gone? Where will I find the thousands required for a funeral?
What will I do with his stuff? What about the small loan he took from the bank? Will I have to pay it? He has nothing to his name... must children pay their dead parents' debts?
What will I do with his cat? And while doing all that, who will put food in our table?
Selfish thoughts I know, but the reality is that the world did not stop turning this week.. I am left with $60 in my wallet and if I don't pay our car insurance by Friday, they will terminate it.
My dad is dying... everything else seems mute... yet it isn't. Where is my balance? How do I do this alone? There are no kindly neighbors to cook me something or babysit... or are they and I am just too proud to accept help? My dad faked feeling ok for a few months, which is why it took me so long to figure it out. He didn't want to burden me... he still doesn't. I don't even know what to pray for anymore.
I want to bang down God's door and beg for complete healing... fast. Yet at the same time I want to beg for mercy, for a swift, merciful, liberating death for him... for him to fly free of this rotten body that no longer functions... but I want to keep him here for many more years!!
What does this all mean for me? Will I die of cancer too? Do I only have a few years left? Can I stop it from happening? I don't smoke or drink and I am healthy for now... Why can't I turn off my brain???
Monday, August 08, 2011
And just like that, they are gone...
My boys are off to a few days of pampering with grandma on the mountains.
We got them up very early and loaded them into a bus with their godmother and off they went.
Cody was emotional and clearly torn between wanting to go and wanting to stay with mommy.
John, as always the cool and level headed one, didn't even glance back, didn't even kiss me goodbye and skipped happily away... Kinda broke my heart but I know he loves me, he just has dificulty adjusting to social standards because in his world, he knows he loves me, there is no need for social musts like a kiss goodbye or even say the words "I love you mommy".
They have arrived safely and when I called them a minute ago, they were outside playing and enjoying a spectacular view from the house which is perched at the edge of a cliff overlooking the mountains.
Since they have been gone, I went out for a date with George. It was silly really, it was as if we couldn't wait to get out of the house, like someone was going to bring them back any minute. We haven't been on a date for months and since we had the boys the times someone kept them so we could go out are counted in the fingers of one hand, so needless to say, we were starving for some alone time outside the house.
We had lunch, then a coffee and then ice cream, it was wonderful. We acted like two school children whose bags are already packed and they dash out the door milliseconds even before the bell rings for dismissal.
I enjoyed a night of uninterrupted sleep and I got up in my own time in the morning. It was awesome. As I was vacuuming, It occured to me as if it was new, that I was alone and would be alone all day without the kids but I felt at peace. Even at school, I was always missing them and worrying about them, because I didn't trust their teacher and I thought they were not happy there. But since I know they are having a blast right now, even without me, I am at peace.
I know this all sounds strange to some, especially to those who are lucky to have parents on both sides who actually care about their grandchildren, enjoy spending time with them and gladly take them for a weekend every other month or babysit regularly etc.
But to me, having no help (not even hired help) this interlude of 4 days without them is a HUGE thing and it won't be repeated again for at least a year.
So here I am on one hand missing them, on the other jumping for joy. A million "I want to dos" is running through my head and I know I don't have enough time for everything because, truth be told, the #1 priority is finishing my chores and sculpting...which in itself will leave little time for anything else... Can't believe I am child free for 4 more days :)
Can't believe they are not in their room :(
Am I crazy??
We got them up very early and loaded them into a bus with their godmother and off they went.
Cody was emotional and clearly torn between wanting to go and wanting to stay with mommy.
John, as always the cool and level headed one, didn't even glance back, didn't even kiss me goodbye and skipped happily away... Kinda broke my heart but I know he loves me, he just has dificulty adjusting to social standards because in his world, he knows he loves me, there is no need for social musts like a kiss goodbye or even say the words "I love you mommy".
They have arrived safely and when I called them a minute ago, they were outside playing and enjoying a spectacular view from the house which is perched at the edge of a cliff overlooking the mountains.
Since they have been gone, I went out for a date with George. It was silly really, it was as if we couldn't wait to get out of the house, like someone was going to bring them back any minute. We haven't been on a date for months and since we had the boys the times someone kept them so we could go out are counted in the fingers of one hand, so needless to say, we were starving for some alone time outside the house.
We had lunch, then a coffee and then ice cream, it was wonderful. We acted like two school children whose bags are already packed and they dash out the door milliseconds even before the bell rings for dismissal.
I enjoyed a night of uninterrupted sleep and I got up in my own time in the morning. It was awesome. As I was vacuuming, It occured to me as if it was new, that I was alone and would be alone all day without the kids but I felt at peace. Even at school, I was always missing them and worrying about them, because I didn't trust their teacher and I thought they were not happy there. But since I know they are having a blast right now, even without me, I am at peace.
I know this all sounds strange to some, especially to those who are lucky to have parents on both sides who actually care about their grandchildren, enjoy spending time with them and gladly take them for a weekend every other month or babysit regularly etc.
But to me, having no help (not even hired help) this interlude of 4 days without them is a HUGE thing and it won't be repeated again for at least a year.
So here I am on one hand missing them, on the other jumping for joy. A million "I want to dos" is running through my head and I know I don't have enough time for everything because, truth be told, the #1 priority is finishing my chores and sculpting...which in itself will leave little time for anything else... Can't believe I am child free for 4 more days :)
Can't believe they are not in their room :(
Am I crazy??
Friday, August 05, 2011
I dislike...
I am groutchy from yesterday and Cody's misbehaving, cutting my finger so deep and the state of my apartment at the moment so here goes...
I dislike that people I used to like, now make money off their blogs and they post stupid things and giveaways and the such just for you to click on the ads...
I dislike that they used to write about their story and I would follow it but in the end anything meaninful is gone and it's just about the money. They used to reply to your comments or e-mails but not anymore.
Yeah, I am groutchy today... the only that kinda cheers me up is the adorable preemie head waiting for me to give him limbs on work table (and the promise of ice cream later!!).
Oh and that Jack's waxes are done and they are great and very soon I will have my sample vinyls... ok still groutchy... Humph.
I dislike that people I used to like, now make money off their blogs and they post stupid things and giveaways and the such just for you to click on the ads...
I dislike that they used to write about their story and I would follow it but in the end anything meaninful is gone and it's just about the money. They used to reply to your comments or e-mails but not anymore.
Yeah, I am groutchy today... the only that kinda cheers me up is the adorable preemie head waiting for me to give him limbs on work table (and the promise of ice cream later!!).
Oh and that Jack's waxes are done and they are great and very soon I will have my sample vinyls... ok still groutchy... Humph.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sometimes...
Sometimes, if I close my eyes just so...
If I squint just so...
And if I hold them just so...
I can pretend, just for a second, and a second only, that they are real babies and I did not sculpt them out of clay just the previous day...
And these are the best of them all...
Monday, July 25, 2011
Secondary Infertility Sucks...
I think by now, most of you know my husband and I struggled with infertility for many years before I conceived the boys (NOT naturally btw).
It seems to run in our family; my grandmother conceived my mom after 20+ years of trying at the age of 42... only ONE of her 3 sisters was blessed with children.
My mom was unaffected apparently since she had the 3 of us (although she claims she took fertility pills to conceive my brother)... If it skips a generation it explains me...
It is very hard to explain the feelings and gaping hole infertility leaves you with. It is a multi-level disaster as it affects everything, including your marriage and even your bank account. The shots I had that ultimately lead me to motherhood, cost $4500 per vial...and I needed two vials. By the time I had left the hospital with my boys, I estimate we spent over $45000 in fertility treatments and the birth and NICU stay of the boys (and it was a SHORT NICU stay for only one of them).
For a while I was fine. I had forgotten all about infertility and was happy to live out the rest of my life as the mom of two... but recently, about a year and a half ago, the dreams started again.
I had these vivid dreams about having a baby while we were struggling and let's say, dreams, have been a big part of my life, guiding me many many times. Now, I am a VERY square headed person. Kinda like my favorite character, Mr. Spock. So for *me* to say I have these dreams and they come true, is a big thing because even I don't believe in that crap but heck, it has been happening to me all my life. The things I have dreamt about and have come true, will make your skin crawl.
For instance, I saw I would be having twins, before we had even seen that second baby. I knew I would be having one big one small, the big being blonde and the small having dark spiky hair. They were the opposite when they were born, the big one had black spiky hair and the tiny one had blonde but 5 1/2 years later, my big boy is now a blondie and my small guy now has dark brown hair.
So about a year and a half ago, hubby and I caught each other going googly eyed over babies in the street, in the Mall, everywhere. Without previously talking about it, we had both started to want just one more shot at this. We finally confessed to each other a few months ago but of course there are obstacles before we even think about trying.
We have been working on our marriage hard for over a year. Yes, we still have our hard moments but through the help of a pscychiatrist, we have found our footing and decided we are better as a team.
The obstacle is my weight. I gained too much while trying for the boys and I don't think I will become pregnant or sustain a pregnancy at my current weight. Plus we want to try naturally this time. In fact, we have no choice. We do not have the resources we had when we were childless to spend thousands of dollars on treatment again.
So we will leave it up to God (or the Universe if you do not believe in God). At the end of the day, I am not in charge and if the answer is no, all I ask for is for Him to grant me the serenity and peace of mind that it is for the best because Lord, serioulsy, I am all cried out.
Those of you who are struggling right now, and have no children yet, are probably feeling what I felt when I read similar posts from women struggling with secondary infertility.
I would say "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! SHE ALREADY HAS CHILDREN AND SHE WANTS MORE??? HOW SELFISH IS THAT?? I WOULD BE HAPPY WITH JUST ONE CHILD GOD, JUST ONE!!!"
I would just feel this indignation rise inside of me and I was certain, I would just want ONE child and be forever happy and grateful..and I AM. I am humbly grateful, I am floored in awe still that I am a mom, that *I* was trusted to raise these two extraordinary people, please believe me I am.
But over the years, something inside of me changed...and if you are infertile and trying (and I wish with all my heart you get a baby!!) and become a mom, trust me, the desire will come again. It is human nature. And you do not need people thinking you are "blessed enough" or selfish to want another. Just as you do not need people saying to quit complaining about pregnancy because surely you are blessed after infertility and you should shut up, feel grateful for the pains and aches and vomitting... and I know in some level you are but heck, now matter how you look at it, it still SUCKS to throw up every two hours lol :)
All I am saying it, don't knock it and don't judge it, until you've walked a mile in my shoes (this advise goes to me too).
I WISH I could have another baby... it might happen someday, it might not. Somedays I pray, like I did before, for God to rip the desire from my heart and let me get on with my life... and each time, something a friend once told me that held true for her, echoed in my ears spurring me on... She told me she too prayed to God to take the desire from her heart so it would stop hurting and then she had her son and God's voice echoed in her heart "That is why I didn't rid you of the desire, because one day I would give you a son".
It seems to run in our family; my grandmother conceived my mom after 20+ years of trying at the age of 42... only ONE of her 3 sisters was blessed with children.
My mom was unaffected apparently since she had the 3 of us (although she claims she took fertility pills to conceive my brother)... If it skips a generation it explains me...
It is very hard to explain the feelings and gaping hole infertility leaves you with. It is a multi-level disaster as it affects everything, including your marriage and even your bank account. The shots I had that ultimately lead me to motherhood, cost $4500 per vial...and I needed two vials. By the time I had left the hospital with my boys, I estimate we spent over $45000 in fertility treatments and the birth and NICU stay of the boys (and it was a SHORT NICU stay for only one of them).
For a while I was fine. I had forgotten all about infertility and was happy to live out the rest of my life as the mom of two... but recently, about a year and a half ago, the dreams started again.
I had these vivid dreams about having a baby while we were struggling and let's say, dreams, have been a big part of my life, guiding me many many times. Now, I am a VERY square headed person. Kinda like my favorite character, Mr. Spock. So for *me* to say I have these dreams and they come true, is a big thing because even I don't believe in that crap but heck, it has been happening to me all my life. The things I have dreamt about and have come true, will make your skin crawl.
For instance, I saw I would be having twins, before we had even seen that second baby. I knew I would be having one big one small, the big being blonde and the small having dark spiky hair. They were the opposite when they were born, the big one had black spiky hair and the tiny one had blonde but 5 1/2 years later, my big boy is now a blondie and my small guy now has dark brown hair.
So about a year and a half ago, hubby and I caught each other going googly eyed over babies in the street, in the Mall, everywhere. Without previously talking about it, we had both started to want just one more shot at this. We finally confessed to each other a few months ago but of course there are obstacles before we even think about trying.
We have been working on our marriage hard for over a year. Yes, we still have our hard moments but through the help of a pscychiatrist, we have found our footing and decided we are better as a team.
The obstacle is my weight. I gained too much while trying for the boys and I don't think I will become pregnant or sustain a pregnancy at my current weight. Plus we want to try naturally this time. In fact, we have no choice. We do not have the resources we had when we were childless to spend thousands of dollars on treatment again.
So we will leave it up to God (or the Universe if you do not believe in God). At the end of the day, I am not in charge and if the answer is no, all I ask for is for Him to grant me the serenity and peace of mind that it is for the best because Lord, serioulsy, I am all cried out.
Those of you who are struggling right now, and have no children yet, are probably feeling what I felt when I read similar posts from women struggling with secondary infertility.
I would say "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! SHE ALREADY HAS CHILDREN AND SHE WANTS MORE??? HOW SELFISH IS THAT?? I WOULD BE HAPPY WITH JUST ONE CHILD GOD, JUST ONE!!!"
I would just feel this indignation rise inside of me and I was certain, I would just want ONE child and be forever happy and grateful..and I AM. I am humbly grateful, I am floored in awe still that I am a mom, that *I* was trusted to raise these two extraordinary people, please believe me I am.
But over the years, something inside of me changed...and if you are infertile and trying (and I wish with all my heart you get a baby!!) and become a mom, trust me, the desire will come again. It is human nature. And you do not need people thinking you are "blessed enough" or selfish to want another. Just as you do not need people saying to quit complaining about pregnancy because surely you are blessed after infertility and you should shut up, feel grateful for the pains and aches and vomitting... and I know in some level you are but heck, now matter how you look at it, it still SUCKS to throw up every two hours lol :)
All I am saying it, don't knock it and don't judge it, until you've walked a mile in my shoes (this advise goes to me too).
I WISH I could have another baby... it might happen someday, it might not. Somedays I pray, like I did before, for God to rip the desire from my heart and let me get on with my life... and each time, something a friend once told me that held true for her, echoed in my ears spurring me on... She told me she too prayed to God to take the desire from her heart so it would stop hurting and then she had her son and God's voice echoed in her heart "That is why I didn't rid you of the desire, because one day I would give you a son".
Friday, June 24, 2011
New Vinyl Kit "Jack" available for pre-order
Hi ya all! Sorry I was MIA but I have been busy behind the scenes!
You can now pre-order my new vinyl kit "Jack".
Click here for all the info, pics and pre-order option.
http://www.tinakewy.com/jack/index.htm
You can now pre-order my new vinyl kit "Jack".
Click here for all the info, pics and pre-order option.
http://www.tinakewy.com/jack/index.htm
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
For Sale: Newborn baby girl OOAK - NOW SOLD
This little girl is looking for a new mom. Please read the terms carefully.
Angelic is a life size, big, newborn, robust and healthy girl! She measures about 21" tall (if her legs were straight), and wears 0-3 months clothing. She has 3/4 arms and full legs and full body plate (no gender)! She also has a magnetic pacifier and painted dark hair! I think her head is 14" around. This is one of my best sculpts, the detail is out of this world!!!
I had plans for her but decided to sell her as an OOAK instead and start from scratch on my other "plans" lol.
She will come dressed in a red and white navy style dress with matching hat and white lacey socks.
Her price is 1400 Euros or near offer. I can also offer a layaway with half now and half in 30 days.
Please note layaway payments *are stictly non-refundable. I will be happy to help you sell her and have someone take over said layaway if something happens though*
Yes, I know in the pics I haven't painted her legs but I really need to sell her quickly as something has come up. I assure you, she will be fully painted in no time! Also her other arm is still cooling in the oven but the new mommy will get pics of her dressed and ready tomorrow. I can ship next Monday as my dad is in the hospital again and I am not sure I can go earlier :(
** My American friends, please keep in mind that your government in fear of terrorism has ordered customs to do thorough checks on all incoming parcels. This causes delays that are out of my control. I would suggest you upgrade to Express (EMS) but it will be 50 Euros more. This is their actual price, I do not charge anything over shipping. **
Click the pictures below to enlarge.
Thank you for your time!!
Angelic is a life size, big, newborn, robust and healthy girl! She measures about 21" tall (if her legs were straight), and wears 0-3 months clothing. She has 3/4 arms and full legs and full body plate (no gender)! She also has a magnetic pacifier and painted dark hair! I think her head is 14" around. This is one of my best sculpts, the detail is out of this world!!!
I had plans for her but decided to sell her as an OOAK instead and start from scratch on my other "plans" lol.
She will come dressed in a red and white navy style dress with matching hat and white lacey socks.
Her price is 1400 Euros or near offer. I can also offer a layaway with half now and half in 30 days.
Please note layaway payments *are stictly non-refundable. I will be happy to help you sell her and have someone take over said layaway if something happens though*
Yes, I know in the pics I haven't painted her legs but I really need to sell her quickly as something has come up. I assure you, she will be fully painted in no time! Also her other arm is still cooling in the oven but the new mommy will get pics of her dressed and ready tomorrow. I can ship next Monday as my dad is in the hospital again and I am not sure I can go earlier :(
** My American friends, please keep in mind that your government in fear of terrorism has ordered customs to do thorough checks on all incoming parcels. This causes delays that are out of my control. I would suggest you upgrade to Express (EMS) but it will be 50 Euros more. This is their actual price, I do not charge anything over shipping. **
Click the pictures below to enlarge.
Thank you for your time!!
Angelic
Well, I went ahead and baked the head... I had the arm and the leg (won't use the leg) in storage from earlier in the year and I made a body plate to do with it...
I was aiming for super newborn baby, like a day old tops... Now I see I need to make some changes but ok :) I wanted a slightly round faced, chunky, robust, healthy newborn... What do you think?? Kit worthy?
I was aiming for super newborn baby, like a day old tops... Now I see I need to make some changes but ok :) I wanted a slightly round faced, chunky, robust, healthy newborn... What do you think?? Kit worthy?
Sunday, May 15, 2011
When the (sculpting) innocence ends...
Sculpting has been a part of my life since I was 7 years old. I have always been "creative". You might know me best for my sculpting but in fact I am also into photography, into scrapbooking, into drawing and very into organizing parties and Cooking/BAKING!!! (don't want to toot my own horn but I have several deserts I am famous for in my social circle).
Anyway, at first, you start off with stars in your eyes that WOW you can create THAT... if you manage to sell your work WOW again, people want to spend money on it! And it goes on and on and on like that...
Now you are a successful, professional artist, congratulations... and that's just about when the innocence for me ended.
I have started becoming VERY critical about my work. I have always been a perfectionist at heart (even though sometimes time restraints won't let me get a sculpt to where I think is best - for instance when you have been working on a sculpt for a few months and it starts drying out), so this newfound self-critisism is not helping.
I did all the preparations including having special molds done for my first self-produced vinyl kit, only to chicken out at the last moment thinking it is not a good enough sculpt afterall...
So I started over, going a completely different direction (chunky newborn as opposed to scrawny preemie)... and I am still going...and going. I had a set of limbs I had made for another head earlier in the year but since they turned out a little small, for that head, I put them aside... they seem to fit this head quite nicely though so I might be using...might being the operative word here.
I see the sculpt and sometimes I feel very good about it, sometimes I don't like it and I keep thinking of so many other artists out there, younger than me (and a lot less anal about it than me lol) getting kits out like it is nothing... and I am STILL looking for the "perfect" one. Is there such a thing? Have I become too old (or too wise???) to just close my eyes and "jump" and enjoy the ride? Why am I looking for assurances so badly? Is it because I put food on the table doing this? Why am I measuring and re-measuring, changing and re-changing my sculpt?? Have I lost my "wind" or my inspiration??
Why do I need a computer to tell me that yes my sculpt is more or less symmetrical and also, yes I do need to move that ear and the fontanel a little bit... why do I *need* it so badly?
Is it because making a vinyl kit is so expensive?? Or it is because I am suddenly chickening-out??
Or is it maybe because I want to provide YOU, the customer, with something extraordinary??
Maybe I need to remind me of what I tell my students... sculpting comes from the heart, not from technology... So I will make me some coffee, put on my favorite music and sit down quietly and fall in love all over again with that little baby waiting on my work desk... and I will whisper sweet words into her/his still unfinished ears like I do with all my babies, and dream about the baby s/he will be once put together, and not think of how much money s/he will cost me or wonder if I can pay the therapies I am several months behind at, with the money I might make from the kit in the long-run.
To be continued...
Anyway, at first, you start off with stars in your eyes that WOW you can create THAT... if you manage to sell your work WOW again, people want to spend money on it! And it goes on and on and on like that...
Now you are a successful, professional artist, congratulations... and that's just about when the innocence for me ended.
I have started becoming VERY critical about my work. I have always been a perfectionist at heart (even though sometimes time restraints won't let me get a sculpt to where I think is best - for instance when you have been working on a sculpt for a few months and it starts drying out), so this newfound self-critisism is not helping.
I did all the preparations including having special molds done for my first self-produced vinyl kit, only to chicken out at the last moment thinking it is not a good enough sculpt afterall...
So I started over, going a completely different direction (chunky newborn as opposed to scrawny preemie)... and I am still going...and going. I had a set of limbs I had made for another head earlier in the year but since they turned out a little small, for that head, I put them aside... they seem to fit this head quite nicely though so I might be using...might being the operative word here.
I see the sculpt and sometimes I feel very good about it, sometimes I don't like it and I keep thinking of so many other artists out there, younger than me (and a lot less anal about it than me lol) getting kits out like it is nothing... and I am STILL looking for the "perfect" one. Is there such a thing? Have I become too old (or too wise???) to just close my eyes and "jump" and enjoy the ride? Why am I looking for assurances so badly? Is it because I put food on the table doing this? Why am I measuring and re-measuring, changing and re-changing my sculpt?? Have I lost my "wind" or my inspiration??
Why do I need a computer to tell me that yes my sculpt is more or less symmetrical and also, yes I do need to move that ear and the fontanel a little bit... why do I *need* it so badly?
Is it because making a vinyl kit is so expensive?? Or it is because I am suddenly chickening-out??
Or is it maybe because I want to provide YOU, the customer, with something extraordinary??
Maybe I need to remind me of what I tell my students... sculpting comes from the heart, not from technology... So I will make me some coffee, put on my favorite music and sit down quietly and fall in love all over again with that little baby waiting on my work desk... and I will whisper sweet words into her/his still unfinished ears like I do with all my babies, and dream about the baby s/he will be once put together, and not think of how much money s/he will cost me or wonder if I can pay the therapies I am several months behind at, with the money I might make from the kit in the long-run.
To be continued...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
From one moment to the next...
For me, it is mind boggling how life altering things can happen from one moment to the next... in the blink of an eye even... You would think that something that would unravel the fabric your life, even for a finite period of time until things start looking up again, would be big... it would take some time in the making... it wouldn't happen "just like that", snap of the fingers, in a flash....
SNAP! Last Sunday, I was having a great Mother's Day! The boys are finally old enough to know it is Mother's Day and to prepare for it in their own way. If you think I am being silly, I think I deserve a Mother's Day (as do all mommies I know!) ... and yes I am looking forward to it... I am looking forward to the hand-made cards with the barely recognizable hearts (could just as easily been a rectangle!) and the 5 year old handwritting of "I love you mom!"... This Mother's Day, hubby joined in (very unlike him; if you have known me for a while, you will know hubby never gets a present, never surprises me with anything... ever!) and he had arranged for his mom to look after the boys for a couple of hours so we could see a (gasp!) a movie! In a real theater!
SNAP! Just minutes before we were due to leave, the boys were playing in their room when I hear the wail of doom, the kind of wail a child lets out only when in a lot of pain!!
Cody had thrust (accidentally) a toy water-gun in John's eye. I calmed him down, couldn't see anything was amiss, put some antibiotic drops in his eye and patched it up thinking it was nothing... Afterall, it had happened before and I knew the routine.
We didn't sleep all night that night, with John being very uncomfortable and scared... at the break of dawn, I grab John and take him to the ER where a resident saw us, couldn't do a full exam (didn't put any fluorescein in the eye), because John was so uncomfortable.. but didn't think to put numbing drops in the eye either... He put some (of the same) antiobiotic drops in his eye and patched it up and off we went.
We didn't sleep on Monday night either... again at the break of dawn we were at the hospital AGAIN... his eye was starting to swell and he was worse.
This time I was a little more forceful and a more experienced doctor came in, put the drops in to numb his eye and again we got some antibiotic drops and a patch...
Come Wednesday (today) his eye is now the size of a small lemon, bloodshot red and has some sort of green discharge (that the doctor insists are just normal eye secretions). This time I was VERY forceful, openly accused the doctor that he didn't listen to me yesterday when I told him his eye was worse and we got seen by the the big head doctor.
The cornea abrasion is "severe" and I didn't let them use the same antibiotic again since not only it didn't help, his eye is worse. So they used something else.
We will go back tomorrow... PLEASE PRAY HIS EYE IS BETTER!!!!!
Here comes the SNAP! part... his cornea was cloudy visibly. I am TERRIFIED he will lose eyesight or require surgery :( I can't even wrap my head around how something so insignificant could potentially be life altering for John... A million bad thoughts are running though my mind... worst case scenarios that leave me with frozen blood. It might be the lack of sleep, I can't think straight, all I can think of is... "they were just playing... it was an accident"...
Realistically, stupid accidents happen in the blink of an eye all the time... You stepped off the curb a second too early... You tripped going down the stairs... My friend's totally normal child is permanently disabled because he choked on his own phlegm and was without oxygen for a few minutes...
Things you can't prepare for, can't predict... All the medicine is locked away, all the chemicals too. I lock the door, there are bars in the windows. They are still in 5 point harnesses. I never put them in the front seat of the car. I never lose sight of them in the playground not even for a minute... SNAP! The toy water gun might cost my son his eye... it has already cost him a world of pain and discomfort, it has unravelled our day to day lives, my work and we live off this stuff...
I fear those SNAP! moments ... yes something GOOD might happen justl like that and for a lot of people it does... but I fear them because ALL good things in my life came about after a LOT of pain, a LOT of work, a LOT of heartache... nothing that matters was ever handed to me EVER, not a pregnancy, not a good job not even something as trivial as some "me" time... so yeah, I fear the SNAP! moments because as the Greeks say "The (bad) things that can happen in a moment, can't be done in a whole year".
Please PRAY for healing in John's eye without scaring. Please PRAY that when we go back tomorrow, his eye will be better!!!
Thank you!
SNAP! Last Sunday, I was having a great Mother's Day! The boys are finally old enough to know it is Mother's Day and to prepare for it in their own way. If you think I am being silly, I think I deserve a Mother's Day (as do all mommies I know!) ... and yes I am looking forward to it... I am looking forward to the hand-made cards with the barely recognizable hearts (could just as easily been a rectangle!) and the 5 year old handwritting of "I love you mom!"... This Mother's Day, hubby joined in (very unlike him; if you have known me for a while, you will know hubby never gets a present, never surprises me with anything... ever!) and he had arranged for his mom to look after the boys for a couple of hours so we could see a (gasp!) a movie! In a real theater!
SNAP! Just minutes before we were due to leave, the boys were playing in their room when I hear the wail of doom, the kind of wail a child lets out only when in a lot of pain!!
Cody had thrust (accidentally) a toy water-gun in John's eye. I calmed him down, couldn't see anything was amiss, put some antibiotic drops in his eye and patched it up thinking it was nothing... Afterall, it had happened before and I knew the routine.
We didn't sleep all night that night, with John being very uncomfortable and scared... at the break of dawn, I grab John and take him to the ER where a resident saw us, couldn't do a full exam (didn't put any fluorescein in the eye), because John was so uncomfortable.. but didn't think to put numbing drops in the eye either... He put some (of the same) antiobiotic drops in his eye and patched it up and off we went.
We didn't sleep on Monday night either... again at the break of dawn we were at the hospital AGAIN... his eye was starting to swell and he was worse.
This time I was a little more forceful and a more experienced doctor came in, put the drops in to numb his eye and again we got some antibiotic drops and a patch...
Come Wednesday (today) his eye is now the size of a small lemon, bloodshot red and has some sort of green discharge (that the doctor insists are just normal eye secretions). This time I was VERY forceful, openly accused the doctor that he didn't listen to me yesterday when I told him his eye was worse and we got seen by the the big head doctor.
The cornea abrasion is "severe" and I didn't let them use the same antibiotic again since not only it didn't help, his eye is worse. So they used something else.
We will go back tomorrow... PLEASE PRAY HIS EYE IS BETTER!!!!!
Here comes the SNAP! part... his cornea was cloudy visibly. I am TERRIFIED he will lose eyesight or require surgery :( I can't even wrap my head around how something so insignificant could potentially be life altering for John... A million bad thoughts are running though my mind... worst case scenarios that leave me with frozen blood. It might be the lack of sleep, I can't think straight, all I can think of is... "they were just playing... it was an accident"...
Realistically, stupid accidents happen in the blink of an eye all the time... You stepped off the curb a second too early... You tripped going down the stairs... My friend's totally normal child is permanently disabled because he choked on his own phlegm and was without oxygen for a few minutes...
Things you can't prepare for, can't predict... All the medicine is locked away, all the chemicals too. I lock the door, there are bars in the windows. They are still in 5 point harnesses. I never put them in the front seat of the car. I never lose sight of them in the playground not even for a minute... SNAP! The toy water gun might cost my son his eye... it has already cost him a world of pain and discomfort, it has unravelled our day to day lives, my work and we live off this stuff...
I fear those SNAP! moments ... yes something GOOD might happen justl like that and for a lot of people it does... but I fear them because ALL good things in my life came about after a LOT of pain, a LOT of work, a LOT of heartache... nothing that matters was ever handed to me EVER, not a pregnancy, not a good job not even something as trivial as some "me" time... so yeah, I fear the SNAP! moments because as the Greeks say "The (bad) things that can happen in a moment, can't be done in a whole year".
Please PRAY for healing in John's eye without scaring. Please PRAY that when we go back tomorrow, his eye will be better!!!
Thank you!
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Happy Mother's Day!!
This was posted in my Cerebral Palsy mailing list today and it sums up beautifully what I wanted to say...
Happy Mother's day to all my friends...and especially to those with a special needs child... To Becky, to Tracy, to Ina, to Mary, to Liz and Patrice.... to all of you... to all of us...
by Lori Borgman
Monday, May 12, 2002
My friend is expecting her first child. People keep asking what she wants. She smiles demurely, shakes her head and gives the answer mothers have given throughout the ages of time. She says it doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl. She just wants it to have ten fingers and ten toes. Of course, that's what she says. That's what mothers have always said. Mothers lie.
Truth be told, every mother wants a whole lot more. Every mother wants a perfectly healthy baby with a round head, rosebud lips, button nose, beautiful eyes and satin skin.
Every mother wants a baby so gorgeous that people will pity the Gerber baby for being flat-out ugly.
Every mother wants a baby that will roll over, sit up and take those first steps right on schedule (according to the baby development chart on page 57, column two).
Every mother wants a baby that can see, hear, run, jump and fire neurons by the billions. She wants a kid that can smack the ball out of the park and do toe points that are the envy of the entire ballet class.
Call it greed if you want, but we mothers want what we want. Some mothers get babies with something more.
Some mothers get babies with conditions they can't pronounce, a spine that didn't fuse, a missing chromosome or a palette that didn't close.
Most of those mothers can remember the time, the place, the shoes they were wearing and the color of the walls in the small, suffocating room where the doctor uttered the words that took their breath away. It felt like recess in the fourth grade when you didn't see the kick ball coming and it knocked the wind clean out of you.
Some mothers leave the hospital with a healthy bundle, then, months, even years later, take him in for a routine visit, or schedule her for a well check, and crash head first into a brick wall as they bear the brunt of devastating news. It can't be possible! That doesn't run in our family. Can this really be happening in our lifetime? I am a woman who watches the Olympics for the sheer thrill of seeing finely sculpted bodies. It's not a lust thing; it's a wondrous thing. The athletes appear as specimens without flaw - rippling muscles with nary an ounce of flab or fat, virtual powerhouses of strength with lungs and limbs working in perfect harmony. Then the athlete walks over to a tote bag, rustles through the contents and pulls out an inhaler.
As I've told my own kids, be it on the way to physical therapy after a third knee surgery, or on a trip home from an echo cardiogram, there's no such thing as a perfect body.
Everybody will bear something at some time or another. Maybe the affliction will be apparent to curious eyes, or maybe it will be unseen, quietly treated with trips to the doctor, medication or surgery. The health problems our children have experienced have been minimal and manageable, so I watch with keen interest and great admiration the mothers of children with serious disabilities, and wonder how they do it. Frankly, sometimes you mothers scare me. How you lift that child in and out of a wheelchair 20 times a day.
How you monitor tests, track medications, regulate diet and serve as the gatekeeper to a hundred specialists hammering in your ear.
I wonder how you endure the clichés and the platitudes, well-intentioned souls explaining how God is at work when you've occasionally questioned if God is on strike.
I even wonder how you endure schmaltzy pieces like this one -- saluting you, painting you as hero and saint, when you know you're ordinary. You snap, you bark, you bite. You didn't volunteer for this. You didn't jump up and down in the motherhood line yelling, "Choose me, God! Choose me! I've got what it takes." You're a woman who doesn't have time to step back and put things in perspective, so, please, let me do it for you.
From where I sit, you're way ahead of the pack. You've developed the strength of a draft horse while holding onto the delicacy of a daffodil. You have a heart that melts like chocolate in a glove box in July, carefully counter-balanced against the stubbornness of an Ozark mule.
You can be warm and tender one minute, and when circumstances require intense and aggressive the next. You are the mother, advocate and protector of a child with a disability.
You're a neighbor, a friend, a stranger I pass at the mall. You're the woman I sit next to at church, my cousin and my sister-in-law.
You're a woman who wanted ten fingers and ten toes, and got something more. You're a wonder.
Happy Mother's day to all my friends...and especially to those with a special needs child... To Becky, to Tracy, to Ina, to Mary, to Liz and Patrice.... to all of you... to all of us...
by Lori Borgman
Monday, May 12, 2002
My friend is expecting her first child. People keep asking what she wants. She smiles demurely, shakes her head and gives the answer mothers have given throughout the ages of time. She says it doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl. She just wants it to have ten fingers and ten toes. Of course, that's what she says. That's what mothers have always said. Mothers lie.
Truth be told, every mother wants a whole lot more. Every mother wants a perfectly healthy baby with a round head, rosebud lips, button nose, beautiful eyes and satin skin.
Every mother wants a baby so gorgeous that people will pity the Gerber baby for being flat-out ugly.
Every mother wants a baby that will roll over, sit up and take those first steps right on schedule (according to the baby development chart on page 57, column two).
Every mother wants a baby that can see, hear, run, jump and fire neurons by the billions. She wants a kid that can smack the ball out of the park and do toe points that are the envy of the entire ballet class.
Call it greed if you want, but we mothers want what we want. Some mothers get babies with something more.
Some mothers get babies with conditions they can't pronounce, a spine that didn't fuse, a missing chromosome or a palette that didn't close.
Most of those mothers can remember the time, the place, the shoes they were wearing and the color of the walls in the small, suffocating room where the doctor uttered the words that took their breath away. It felt like recess in the fourth grade when you didn't see the kick ball coming and it knocked the wind clean out of you.
Some mothers leave the hospital with a healthy bundle, then, months, even years later, take him in for a routine visit, or schedule her for a well check, and crash head first into a brick wall as they bear the brunt of devastating news. It can't be possible! That doesn't run in our family. Can this really be happening in our lifetime? I am a woman who watches the Olympics for the sheer thrill of seeing finely sculpted bodies. It's not a lust thing; it's a wondrous thing. The athletes appear as specimens without flaw - rippling muscles with nary an ounce of flab or fat, virtual powerhouses of strength with lungs and limbs working in perfect harmony. Then the athlete walks over to a tote bag, rustles through the contents and pulls out an inhaler.
As I've told my own kids, be it on the way to physical therapy after a third knee surgery, or on a trip home from an echo cardiogram, there's no such thing as a perfect body.
Everybody will bear something at some time or another. Maybe the affliction will be apparent to curious eyes, or maybe it will be unseen, quietly treated with trips to the doctor, medication or surgery. The health problems our children have experienced have been minimal and manageable, so I watch with keen interest and great admiration the mothers of children with serious disabilities, and wonder how they do it. Frankly, sometimes you mothers scare me. How you lift that child in and out of a wheelchair 20 times a day.
How you monitor tests, track medications, regulate diet and serve as the gatekeeper to a hundred specialists hammering in your ear.
I wonder how you endure the clichés and the platitudes, well-intentioned souls explaining how God is at work when you've occasionally questioned if God is on strike.
I even wonder how you endure schmaltzy pieces like this one -- saluting you, painting you as hero and saint, when you know you're ordinary. You snap, you bark, you bite. You didn't volunteer for this. You didn't jump up and down in the motherhood line yelling, "Choose me, God! Choose me! I've got what it takes." You're a woman who doesn't have time to step back and put things in perspective, so, please, let me do it for you.
From where I sit, you're way ahead of the pack. You've developed the strength of a draft horse while holding onto the delicacy of a daffodil. You have a heart that melts like chocolate in a glove box in July, carefully counter-balanced against the stubbornness of an Ozark mule.
You can be warm and tender one minute, and when circumstances require intense and aggressive the next. You are the mother, advocate and protector of a child with a disability.
You're a neighbor, a friend, a stranger I pass at the mall. You're the woman I sit next to at church, my cousin and my sister-in-law.
You're a woman who wanted ten fingers and ten toes, and got something more. You're a wonder.
Monday, May 02, 2011
Change of plans...
After a lot of thought, I decided I won't produce Sweet as Sugar in vinyl.
You know me, I always nit-pick and I don't think the detail wil pass on to the vinyl... and I want a LOT of detail into any vinyl I invest on out of pocket.
But have no fear my friends... I know you were excited ... I have picked another sculpt to be a vinyl this year. A big, chubby wubby newborn!!!! :)
I will keep you guessing a while longer though :-P but I will share pics soon...very soon...
You know me, I always nit-pick and I don't think the detail wil pass on to the vinyl... and I want a LOT of detail into any vinyl I invest on out of pocket.
But have no fear my friends... I know you were excited ... I have picked another sculpt to be a vinyl this year. A big, chubby wubby newborn!!!! :)
I will keep you guessing a while longer though :-P but I will share pics soon...very soon...
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Rotten week...
Man, when it rains it POURS!!!
I've had a horrible week!!!
First on Monday, my runny nose turned into a full sore throat/fever/coughing cold/virus...and of course the feeling that you have been run by a bus...
Some time during the week I pulled on a hangnail in my right index finger and it got infected and now I have a throbbing, red, hot to the touch finger that does not seem to respond to antibiotic cream and I can't hold a fork to eat, much less a tool to sculpt :(
The boys have been horrid through all of this... they talk back all the time, nothing is easy, not even taking them for a walk...they whine and nag they want something else ALL the time and I can't have 5 minutes to myself. Seriously, who thought two weeks off at Christmas and two weeks off for Easter (and 3 full months in the summer) was a good idea?? Surely someone who did not have kids...
Don't get me wrong I love my kids but they are happier in school... admit it, how many of you just HATE hearing "I'm bored" over and over again when your kids are off school? And how many of you with young kids, actually get anything done??
Oh and I got a nice gig out of the blue...to photography a christening. Guess what? The day before the christening, my external flash went dead!!! What was I supposed to do? Call her and say, "sorry, you won't have photos of your son's most important day because I have no flash"... so I went out and bought a new one...so basically almost all the money I will make tomorrow I have already spent on a new flash. (I don't ask much for photographs and like everyone in Greece, they too are in a tight budget but I love it so much, I do it for less anyway).
And various other problems popped up during the week, including my boys TRASHING their room (seriously, I will put a pic up!!) in less than 20 minutes right after I had everything put in it's place. You can't even walk in there now... I have Cody sleeping in my bed because half of his is covered in toys... I didn't have the strength to clean it... tomorrow, I will do it tomorrow.
I am under such stress I have nightmares... I woke up yesterday (2nd night in a row) screaming. My whole body was tingling with fear... you know, that feeling you get of your skin crawling? I couldn't go back to sleep for 2 hours... so on top of everything I am sleep deprived and I have an early day tomorrow.
Seriously, when it rains, it pours...it's never one thing at a time...it's everything at once...
Oh and John needs psych counceling... he has developed some deep issues with his disability... I have tried to pick him up, to show him how fantastic he is but he does not believe me. He is happy only with ME... he doesn't want ANYONE else not even kids...
And you want to hear one more? My psychiatrist quit!! Not me...the practice in general! Now I am again in a waiting list... shoot me now and be done with it :(
Do you ever feel you have crawled into a dark hole and can't even fathom how to get out?
Everything is pilled up so high, I don't even know where to begin... and I don't mean work... I mean everything... work, kids, school, my dad, finances...
sigh... "can't rain all the time" I must remember that....
I've had a horrible week!!!
First on Monday, my runny nose turned into a full sore throat/fever/coughing cold/virus...and of course the feeling that you have been run by a bus...
Some time during the week I pulled on a hangnail in my right index finger and it got infected and now I have a throbbing, red, hot to the touch finger that does not seem to respond to antibiotic cream and I can't hold a fork to eat, much less a tool to sculpt :(
The boys have been horrid through all of this... they talk back all the time, nothing is easy, not even taking them for a walk...they whine and nag they want something else ALL the time and I can't have 5 minutes to myself. Seriously, who thought two weeks off at Christmas and two weeks off for Easter (and 3 full months in the summer) was a good idea?? Surely someone who did not have kids...
Don't get me wrong I love my kids but they are happier in school... admit it, how many of you just HATE hearing "I'm bored" over and over again when your kids are off school? And how many of you with young kids, actually get anything done??
Oh and I got a nice gig out of the blue...to photography a christening. Guess what? The day before the christening, my external flash went dead!!! What was I supposed to do? Call her and say, "sorry, you won't have photos of your son's most important day because I have no flash"... so I went out and bought a new one...so basically almost all the money I will make tomorrow I have already spent on a new flash. (I don't ask much for photographs and like everyone in Greece, they too are in a tight budget but I love it so much, I do it for less anyway).
And various other problems popped up during the week, including my boys TRASHING their room (seriously, I will put a pic up!!) in less than 20 minutes right after I had everything put in it's place. You can't even walk in there now... I have Cody sleeping in my bed because half of his is covered in toys... I didn't have the strength to clean it... tomorrow, I will do it tomorrow.
I am under such stress I have nightmares... I woke up yesterday (2nd night in a row) screaming. My whole body was tingling with fear... you know, that feeling you get of your skin crawling? I couldn't go back to sleep for 2 hours... so on top of everything I am sleep deprived and I have an early day tomorrow.
Seriously, when it rains, it pours...it's never one thing at a time...it's everything at once...
Oh and John needs psych counceling... he has developed some deep issues with his disability... I have tried to pick him up, to show him how fantastic he is but he does not believe me. He is happy only with ME... he doesn't want ANYONE else not even kids...
And you want to hear one more? My psychiatrist quit!! Not me...the practice in general! Now I am again in a waiting list... shoot me now and be done with it :(
Do you ever feel you have crawled into a dark hole and can't even fathom how to get out?
Everything is pilled up so high, I don't even know where to begin... and I don't mean work... I mean everything... work, kids, school, my dad, finances...
sigh... "can't rain all the time" I must remember that....
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The most beautiful baby in the world!! Pt.2
My brother came over and sat with the boys for a bit so I could snap a few pics of my new limited edition resin baby... I love how she turned out!!
She reminds me of my silicone "Little One" that I made a few years ago but no wonder as I used the same picture of my son for this one as well!!
Enjoy her!!
She reminds me of my silicone "Little One" that I made a few years ago but no wonder as I used the same picture of my son for this one as well!!
Enjoy her!!
The most beautiful baby in the world!!
So, so in love with my new little ones... so, so excited too!!
Two available right NOW... more as a pre-order... in all mediums... resin for the OOAK lovers who love clay more than all, silicone for the soft realistic feel lovers (not by me, contact Joanna) and vinyl (in a few months) for the reborners... the most beautiful baby in the world... and I can't wait to share her with you!
Keep your eyes peeled... I will be offering two for adoption tonight!
Two available right NOW... more as a pre-order... in all mediums... resin for the OOAK lovers who love clay more than all, silicone for the soft realistic feel lovers (not by me, contact Joanna) and vinyl (in a few months) for the reborners... the most beautiful baby in the world... and I can't wait to share her with you!
Keep your eyes peeled... I will be offering two for adoption tonight!
Monday, April 18, 2011
OMGosh SHE IS COMING!!!
I can't believe it!!! My new baby is coming!! I am so excited!!!! :) :)
I have missed her so much!!!!
I have missed her so much!!!!
I can't wait to see her in resin!!! And the OOAK head is saved so I can make her new limbs and keep her!!!
HURRY UP POST OFFICE PEOPLE!!!!!
Friday, April 15, 2011
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