Plan B

It would have gone like this:
I would get married to the love of my life, who I met over the internet when I was 15. We would have a baby and it would be so perfect... I would take the baby on long walks and teach him a bunch of things. There would be peaceful days were we would sit, him (or her) curled up on my chest and we would read...and when he was older, he would clutch my hand as we walked through the zoo, me pregnant for the second time, him or her, expecting to be a big brother or sister and then I would do it all over again...

In reality it went like this: I married the love of my life but couldn't have kids. The ensuing two years of infertility treatment turned his beautiful slim wife into a whale physically and a maniacal person mentally. He didn't dare bring up children or pregnancies up in front of her because she would break into a million pieces right in front of him. Not only that but when finally, finally she became pregnant, it was the hardest pregnancy ever...
They lost a baby and came this close to losing a second.
Instead of one, they were blessed with twins, which was great except all their savings and all their plans and everything else got thrown out the window.
All that turned my husband, who has a huge problem in dealing with his stress and anxiety in a grown-up civilized and logical manner, into a monster of abusive words and controlling, irrational behavior who instead of helping out, stepped out and left me all along to fend for the kids we so much wanted ...

Then it was time for plan B.. instead of my quiet walks and book reading, I got a child that can't control his impulses and can't make his body stop moving or his brain stop racing in 200 different directions at once... it's called ADHD and that's what Cody has.

I also got a child who motor cortex is fried, whose eyes are failing him, his ears too and he can't tolerate a multitude of things in his daily life, like noise, crowds, grass, sand, textures, colors, sounds, bubble bath foam, short sleeved t-shirts, shorts, sandals, his glasses, the patch that will save his eye, even me some times.
Of course there is no talk of another baby seeing I had such a difficult and damaging pregnancy (but oh how I want one secretly!).

I know some people will probably feel sorry for me that "normal" isn't what I got but don't be... I see it as an honor that God chose me to care for these two little souls, that He saw I was fit and then provided me with needed to meet their needs.
On one hand some times I am sad that those long walks never happened... or that quiet reading is out of the question.. or that crafts can't happen... but I get to celebrate some things only a "special" mom can... like your child hugging you for the first time at age 3 and saying I love you for the first time at 3 1/2.
Running at age 4... reaching 32 lbs after a year of trying.

My perspective has changed... I take nothing for granted... In fact I feel so blessed some times I am waiting for the other shoe to drop because I see my kids so perfect.. I don't care about the world and what they think...
I know I am behind at work, I know people say mean things about me but I am also grateful for those who do prefer me and believe in me and patiently wait... I am grateful for my gift that allows me to work from home and meet their needs...
I thank God each day for my collectors and dealers and pray they are all kept well and happy.

I don't take anything for granted... and I am humbled by how much my kids have taught me and I am ashamed I have taught them so much less... I feel like I took so much more than I gave them so far... so beautiful, so brave, so perfect and so ... MINE!!!