Pregnant....

No!! not in real life!! :) Gotta huh? I had a dream the other night I was pregnant... it was a weird dream because I felt the baby move Alien style in my belly.. my boys had felt like that at around 24 weeks when they were both trying to turn head down.. we ended up with John horizontal (in the back) and Cody almost "standing up" on the left side of my body, feet down... the "T" bone babies ha ha.

So anyway I had a dream I was having another baby and I was desperately looking for a physician to give me an ultrasound because I had no idea WHEN I had gotten pregnant or...ehm... by who... (blush).

In my years battling infertility, I had very often dreamed about having babies... I know this will sound ultra-weird but I had many prophetic dreams and over the years I have learned to trust my instict and what my dreams were telling me...
Admist my despair for a baby I kept having a specific dream... I had had two babies... one with black hair that was tiny and frail and a chubby cherubical blonde one. They had only given me the blonde one and a few days later when I realized the frail one was also mine, I looked for it and they had left it to die.. so I took it, fed it, cleaned it and nursed it to health.
It wasn't the imagery that was so powerful but the true feelings of joy, despair and anxiety that the dream caused me. I often woke up with a wet pillow...

Lo and behold, I DID have two babies, a big baby and a frail baby, although it was the blonde baby (John) that was the tiny one.. and I didn't get John immediately because he was in the NICU... just like my dream.

I wonder if it was was God's (or the Universe's, if you do not believe in God) way of assuring me that I WILL be a mom... soon... one day.
I often dream about another pregnancy... and lately I have been wondering if it IS in fact meant to be. Things are difficult, yes... I am still torn badly between my desire to have another baby or leave it. Do I have the money, the space and the reserves for one more... especially with two special needs kids already?

Will I regret it 10 years from now if I don't? Will I live out the rest of my life, wishing I had just one more?
Yes... I will.
A baby is forever... everything else is temporary, money, a house, even a bad marriage situation with a husband... temporary. A daughter... my Ellie... I wish...