Johnny Johnny....

I adore him... I would lay my life down for him every second of every day if it meant he would carry on and be happy and healthy...

I am a very bubbly and upbeat person normally but... some days, I crack...

Even after all we have done for him, and all his progress which I must say, is huge, John still remains in many, many, MANY areas, still at age 3... 4 tops.

It's been six years and even though John develops, it's at his own (snail's) pace. The problem is I am getting tired far quicker and as pressure and responsibilities mount, my John remains a baby in many areas while the demands mount on him too...

Unfortunately we also live in a country with a damaged and full of holes system and John slips through each crack. There are no answers and no guidance. Everyone can only offer their best "guess" or "opinion" but you know what they say about those... So it all comes down to me...

Yes he has CP and he now walks BUT... (he can't run and he can't coordinate his body really well)

Yes he is super-humanly clever BUT... (he can't follow directions or obey rules)

Pluses are stacked on this kid... but so are minuses and some times the balance is just too delicate and I can't hold it :(

How do I even know I am doing something right??? What if despite his good points, he just won't be able to ever fit in and function in society?? Will he find his niche?

When will he grow up? Why is everything a struggle with him? Why does he fight me in every turn? Will he ever reach his peers in emotional maturity??

Could I love him and his brother any more??

(and will all this eventually be the death of me?)