"Mrs. Kewy, you are free, do you realize that?" my attorney asked me while I was sniffling away, stress chocking me.
Free? I didn't feel free. I felt stressed and sad and angry and disappointed but not free.
In reality I am free. We are free. I get small glimpses of this once in a while, like the other day, the boys and I went to the beach in the afternoon and we stayed there until, get this... it was dark!!
We enjoyed ourselves so much! There was nobody to tell us to go after an hour because he was bored. Nobody yelled at them because they talked to another kid or because they exchanged their toys for someone else's (a huge no no with G. previously). They had fun and I had fun with them. I stayed in the water until I felt my wrinkled skin would fall off ;)
I am free.. am I happy? At the moment, not really... but I need to give myself time. It has been a little over a week. We haven't find our equilibrium yet, the boys and I. We need to figure things out, we need to figure this (still box ridden) apartment out, they need to learn new rules, I need to redefine myself because for all this time, my whole existence was centered around keeping him happy and make sure he does not explode or smooth things over when he did.
I don't remember who I was before him. I don't remember what I liked because if he didn't approve of it, it had to go (my dog for instance when we moved in). Who am I, what do I want, where am I going? I don't know.. but right now, at the start of summer, I know my whole existence is taken up by these two little ones and how I will make it less of a struggle for them.
I get up in the morning, plaster a smile on my face and work hard on swallowing my fears and insecurities and moving on with my day.
That said, I have work to do ;)
Ironing... yuck! And we don't have an A/C. Yeah... not looking forward to that!
As soon as the sun goes down, we will head to the playground... that is if they clean their room ;) New rules lol.
Hugs to all and thank you for your kind words!
T.
Free? I didn't feel free. I felt stressed and sad and angry and disappointed but not free.
In reality I am free. We are free. I get small glimpses of this once in a while, like the other day, the boys and I went to the beach in the afternoon and we stayed there until, get this... it was dark!!
We enjoyed ourselves so much! There was nobody to tell us to go after an hour because he was bored. Nobody yelled at them because they talked to another kid or because they exchanged their toys for someone else's (a huge no no with G. previously). They had fun and I had fun with them. I stayed in the water until I felt my wrinkled skin would fall off ;)
I am free.. am I happy? At the moment, not really... but I need to give myself time. It has been a little over a week. We haven't find our equilibrium yet, the boys and I. We need to figure things out, we need to figure this (still box ridden) apartment out, they need to learn new rules, I need to redefine myself because for all this time, my whole existence was centered around keeping him happy and make sure he does not explode or smooth things over when he did.
I don't remember who I was before him. I don't remember what I liked because if he didn't approve of it, it had to go (my dog for instance when we moved in). Who am I, what do I want, where am I going? I don't know.. but right now, at the start of summer, I know my whole existence is taken up by these two little ones and how I will make it less of a struggle for them.
I get up in the morning, plaster a smile on my face and work hard on swallowing my fears and insecurities and moving on with my day.
That said, I have work to do ;)
Ironing... yuck! And we don't have an A/C. Yeah... not looking forward to that!
As soon as the sun goes down, we will head to the playground... that is if they clean their room ;) New rules lol.
Hugs to all and thank you for your kind words!
T.
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