The question of time....

Ok so you know how we always say "Time flies"?? and how we never seem to have enough hours in a day to get things done?
Recently I discovered that I am plagued by this which I knew... however I was mortified to discover I am also plagued by this other thing... energy or rather, the lack of it. It's no big secret that after the Pneumonia (it deserves a capital P, trust me), it took me almost two whole months to feel like myself. Long after the coughing and the shortness of breath and the fever had subsided, I was still getting dizzy walking 10 feet and I was in bed by 9, shortly after the boys... people, we are talking I am a night owl... I don't feel sleepy until after the clock has turned into an am digit...
Slooooooowly and I do mean sloooooowly I regained my stamina (although I still get dizzy walking from time to time especially if I've had no breakfast lol)

Which brings us to yesterday... crazy day... but then lately all days have been crazy. It's getting close to the show and the delivery of my Gus and Ellis kits so naturally I have a lot on my plate and on my mind. The more involved I am with work, the naughtier the boys are... close the door to the room so I can do my auction in peace, and it's an invitation for them to try and break it down..

I had been planning to put up Gus for auction for DAYS now... did you see the auction go live DAYS ago? Nope... because I only managed to get it up YESTERDAY!!!
Hubby was told to help... he said ok... except his idea of helping and my idea of helping are totally different things:

My idea: Get the kids off my back, keep them fed, happy, take them to the park for crying out loud. Sit down and play with them, watch a movie with them...etc

His idea: Yell at them to leave mom alone (while sitting on his PC playing Farmville) and send them to their room. :(

This weekend has been teeth grinding... firstly, it was my dad's 9 month anniversary on Saturday. We were supposed to go to the cemetery and leave flowers, have a priest say a blessing... Hubby decided he would be doing private lessons to some guy... right in the middle of last few days before the show of course because his timing has always been fantastic <--insert sarcasm here.
Of course he did not come to the cemetery to honor my dad (priorities all screwed up much???)

My mom demanded I go pick them up. I explained that we cannot fit in my car... she said "take the car seats out, we will hold the boys in our laps" ... <-- insert Tina's horror face here.
But mom is like that... instead of thinking how she can help someone, she always thinks how people can serve her. Not only that but the cemetery is a 5 minute bus ride from their place or a 5 minute cab ride. But of course busses and taxis are not for them, right? Whereas me, who lives on the other side of town, have the time/obligation to swing by and pick them up (they are not on the way to the cemetery from where I live).
Needless to say, they did not show up at the cemetery either but I did get an earful because I didn't play chauffer...

I was feeling all crappy as we walked back to the car in the heat... the boys were moody, Cody kept saying he is missing his grandpa and "if he could only hear his voice one more time he would be happy"... I was grinding my teeth SO hard trying not cry in front of them... then as we nearing the car, John found a sticker on the pavement... it is one of those Euroleague trading card/stickers Cody collects!!
Then just a few steps from the car, on the lawn, sat a Beyblade thingie looking brand new. It wasn't there before...
It was Cody's nameday last Monday.. now you try and tell me this wasn't my dad's hand giving Cody two of his favorite things for his nameday!!!

After that I took the boys out for ice cream... we got home at 3pm at which time I still hadn't cooked. So I did that, had a few words with George because I was steaming mad at him (do you blame me?)
I wanted to get some work done but by the time I had cooked and eaten and cleaned, I was exhausted... <-- insert the energy issue thingie here
Of course I still had to do the shopping so I "popped" to ther super market at 7pm. There goes my day. I did maybe a few photos for Gus' auction and a little bit of work otherwise. During all this time George played on his PC and then took a nap!!!

Then on Sunday I wanted to get the auction up. Finished doing the photos and did the template. The kids would not leave me alone. They were in the room every 6 minutes wanting something or other, usually begging to get my cell phone so they could play games... George was supposed to watch them so I could work... yeah... allowing them to interrupt someone every 5 minutes is not watching them, George.

I finally managed to get the auction up and running and by the time I had cooked, walked the dog (x3), tidied up and did a tiny bit of work, I was exhausted again. I was in bed my 10pm last night. I just could.not.keep.my.eyes.open!!!

So I have shockingly discovered that it is not only an issue of "time flies".. but of energy as well. I could have worked a good 2-3 hours after 10pm last night, except I was literally falling asleep (I fell asleep on the couch while holding my coffee which was supposed to wake me up!)

Now the boys are at school and I can FINALLY get some work done. Ugh... except I am still tired!!!! grrrrrrrr

Welcome to the world...

Welcome to the world Baby Gus... we've waited so long for you, but you were SO worth it!!!

On being a mom...

If you've been reading for my blog for a while you surely know by now that being a mom was all I ever wanted to be... sure I wanted to go to College and get a job but what I have always wanted to do was be a mom...

Being a mom is not an easy job. You have your days when the stars align and your kids are amazingly behaved and cute and funny and all you can think of is "I want to eat you up!!". At least I do :)
And there are days that your kids seem to flip a switch and suddenly they are slowly and methodically grinding your patience down to non-existent ... I yell at them then. I admit, I am a yeller!! And a "you are on time-out buddy" ... and I take away priviledges :)

For the past few days, it's been like this I'm afraid... tantrum after tantrum, a huuuuge struggle to just get them into clothes and get them out the door... everything is a struggle and not because you want them to do something they hate doing ... for instace I wanted to take the kids out for a fun day shopping, eating out and playing in a cool playground they love... By the time we got there, I wanted to strangle them for all their whining... lol :)

Yesterday for the first year ever, hubby FINALLY got it and made the boys write me sweet messages and let me sleep in until 9am (!!!) :)
Then I drove them 50 minutes so they could ride horses (John decided against it) and play with friends :)
We had a blast and I was in bed by 11... I am so tired I fell asleep on the couch (NEVER happens) :)

I love my boys...I love being a mom... even on the hard days ;)

For dad...

This one's for you dad...

"Gus" production sample in vinyl, reborn by Tina Kewy.
In memory of my daddy, C. "Gus" Koutsouropoulos 5th March 1950 - 26th August 2011

Surprise!!!

Ellis' head got a bit squished in that box :) So pics of her tomorrow, after she is.... ehm... reformed :)

It's Great Thursday

Well at least that is the translation in English... I guess you can call it Good Thursday too... in Greek Orthodox tradition, we have a "Grand/Great/Good" day all week leading up to Easter Sunday.

Today, we went to the farmers market and got white eggs... Which I am hard boiling right now, while I write this short post.I successfully resisted the urge to buy a duckling at the market... I am sure Beau would make him breakfast!

After the eggs are boiled, the boys and I will color them...
Then this afternoon we will attend church and pay our respects to Jesus on the cross, with a flowery wreath.
The bells will sound sad as they remove (the wooden) Jesus from the cross and tomorrow they will decorate his final resting place with the flowers from the wreaths... and we will pay our respects tomorrow. Then in the evening, we will walk around burning yellow candles (mourning candles) after what I guess I can only describe as Jesus' coffin... This year I will take Cody with me. I don't think that a) I can trust John with a burning candle and b) it will be past his bedtime and c) the sensory overload will drive him bananas.

What are you doing today?
Hugs
Tina

Easter Week

Well, it's Easter Week here in Greece... a week after half the world's lol :)

The boys are on their two week break from school and already in two days, I am pulling my hair out. It's one mischief after another... I can't even count anymore the number of times I grounded them, took a priviledge away or put them in time out! And it's only been 48 hrs!!!
How will I survive the next twelve days!?!?!?
On Sunday for instance, I put John on time out in his room for ruining the living room... and he climbed on top of my ironing board which I keep behind their door and broke it...
Then yesterday I put him in his room again for hitting Cody, lying to me and being sassy and he emptied his entire closet of freshly ironed clothes (each one by hand!) on the floor...

But don't think John is the only one misbehaving! Cody was on time out or had his Xbox priviledges taken away just as much as John... plus they have been waking up at the crack of dawn...and I've got tonsilitis (John gave it to me.. oh Joy!). But I am better now except the horrible runny nose, the antibiotics kicked in and today I am fairly ok.. except I need to sleep for about 2 months to feel rested ;)

I apologize in advance if I am slow replying to e-mails this week. I will do my best stealing moments on the PC but between me wanting to follow the Greek Orthodox traditions on each day of this week and the boys out of school, honestly I might not get a lot done. So please do not worry if you don't hear from me :)

A little birdie tells me though, I might have something special to show you next week... ;) and I am very excited and can't wait!!!

Happy Easter to all of you who haven't celebrated it yet... and Happy Easter belatedly to those who have!!!

Sad news

I have always been kind of a loner in life... I was too different as a child to really fit in at school. I was a quiet child but... different somehow... like John so I didn't have many friends. I was called names, a freak and other things. I was always excluded at parties... I was never in with the "cool" crowd. I always hung out with the nerds or those who others thought of as outsiders.
Of course when I was 12 my mom kicked my dad out so I was "that" kid as well...

Eventually I learned to hide who I really was and put a mask society would approve... so I would appear "normal" and things became a little easier for me. I picked up the social queues by copying others, mostly though without really understanding them but it worked.

I've always few people in my life. Plus the fact that the most important social years of my life I spent abroad, I only stayed in Greece because I wanted George.
One of the few people in my life who really knew me, was dad and he is gone.
Then I only have one close friend who is on the same page as me. In fact she is a sister in everything but blood. And today I learned she is leaving... permanently :( to the other side of the country.
We did everything together. Our kids did everything together.I tried so hard to appear happy for her. I didn't want to be selfish.. but then she started to cry and I started to cry... and it was all a big mess.

I have one other amazing friend and we talk every day and I love her but her child is older and though we do have a ton in common, she is just a little further ahead of me in the game.
I feel miserable. I live in a tiny apartment I hate, in a part of town I did not chose, away from any other family or friends... I've been here 10 years and I don't know anybody. Everybody is seems is busy with their own life.. I tried to make friends but I can't. I feel I am the one who always calls and makes invitations but if I drop it, they won't even miss me :(
I am not good at this social stuff... but I try.

I want to be happy for my friend.. I AM happy for her.. but I am also sad... and I can't stop crying. We will still talk every day but I will one see her a few times a year if that. I will no longer be able to pick up the phone and tell her "meet me there" and do fun stuff with our kids any more. It seems everyone in my life is moving on and I am stuck here... like wearing shoes that are too tight but I can't get rid of them... I am stuck here in Athens, in this tiny apartment, in this crummy life, doing things I don't want to do and not doing the things I want to do... I feel like I can't breathe...

About Gus and Ellis

My dear collectors,
I know a lot of speculation has been going on for a while now about the delay in releasing Gus and Ellis. I even know a few think I am the only reason of the delay so I wanted to make a post to clarify.

First of all, I do not control production. I do not make them myself and they are not ready to ship from the factory and are not getting shipped because I have no money. This is a lie! Money is not an issue for the delay in production.
I also feel hurt when I hear "this is the first time a kit has been delayed so much" when I can name at least two more that were just as or more delayed but I won't because I know the artists and I know they faced similar problems as me.

I started out making the kits the way I felt they should be made because I wanted to please *you*, the collector and reborner. I chose a good, German factory, with good quality vinyl even thouh it costs an arm and a leg to have them produced there instead of China... and I hold the factory in very, very high respect. But I am green at doing this. I had no idea delays like these happen and as I have been told, they are actually common!! The factories get busy too...

I am very disappointed it is taking so long, very, very stressed out (my boys told me the other day I don't smile anymore)... and I am pushing as hard as I can believe me.
Please understand that I want NOTHING more than to get them out to the dealers and you and that I have everything to gain by doing so! For example I thought that after they had been shipped off, I would have enough earnings to pay off the dark cloud of therapy debt that insurance won't cover for my sons and have a little extra to take a few days vacation locally and just breathe a sigh of deep relief and enjoy my boys to whom I snap at more often that should be allowed these days :(... I haven't had a vacation in almost a year... not a single day off.

Yet Easter is around the corner and not only have not gotten a vacation, or paid any debt, I spend my days in a dark gloom, stressed out beyond belief...for something that was supposed to be SO happy. I haven't paid my electricity bill because on top of the delay, I also got pneumonia that had me out of commission a good two months so I couldn't make any OOAKs to sell... and I do support my family and put bread on the table off the dolls as many of you know.

I DO understand you, the collector yearn to have them, I do too... but you must accept that for me the ramifications of the delays are SO huge in all levels... All I am asking if for a little more time. They WILL COME, and soon, the molds are made but I did ask for one correction to be made to a joint... Time, that is all I am asking. A little bit (more) of your kind patience.
Thank you so much for your time!!
Yours truly,
Tina

There is nothing cuter...

... than a chubby, newborn baby!!

Don't you think??

A visti by dad

Today is a special day. It's Greece's National Day, there are parades and special meals cooked... it is also my mother's Name day... yesterday was her birthday. She was named after the patron Saint of today's day (The day Mary, mother of Jesus, received the Angel with the news that she would bear a special child)... in Greek it is called Evangelismos... it means "Happy News". The name that derives is Evangelia... Eva in short. My mom was born blue and almost dead... she survive by the grace of God and thus my grandparent called Evangelia (Evangeline in English) because of today's National and Spiritual holiday.

My dad visited last night. And not only dad. He brought his sister, my favorite aunt, also lost to cancer and his favorite dog... I felt at peace he had found them on the Other Side/Heaven.
He was keeping busy in my dream as usual, tinkering with something. He seemed happy and... normal.
I know he visited because it is mom's birthday. The boys and I will be heading there today to watch the parade and spend some time with her.

My boys are excited to see their uncles :) and wave their flags at the parade.
I found the perfect outfit yesterday at Prenatal for my little boy...
I dreamed I had boy/girl twins and that the boy had Down Syndrome and I was doing exercises with him to strengthen his muscle tone. I think I need to sculpt a baby boy like that. I so love DS kids :) like preemies they have a special place in my heart.

I gotta go. I have a busy day ahead. It's a sunny day :) Tomorrow I have ever MORE work to do, I've got babes to get out the door lol :) and prepare the studio for the arrival of Gus and Ellis.. yikes!! I need to go buy postage boxes...

And it's Easter soon... Wish I can take those two weeks off or at least the Holy Week (we call it the Great Week in Greece) :)
CU later girls :) Have a great Sunday!

Long overdue

Oh my! It's been so long since I've offered a new OOAK, it's crazy. That darn pneumonia really threw me weeks and weeks behind... poor little guy had been patiently waiting for months on end for me to do a little here, a little there... he is still not finished but I am getting close!

I will give you a sneak peek later this week, I have already finished the head and I can promise you, this will be an exciting baby packed full of things I've tried for the first time (and they worked! yay!).
He will also be my first silent auction, it will be fun don't you think? Just in time for Easter...
Right now I feel like I can go out and buy him something Spring-y to wear. I usually wait to buy clothes for them until after they are done because I end up buying clothes and not using them... but he is halfway there so it won't hurt, right?

I am also desperate for a name... He looks like an Andrew but I don't like it all that much... Reese? Jonathan? Alex? Eric? I also like Lyland... because you know... I am old ;)
No really, I really DO like the name Lyland... and Mainnard... and A.J.... Hmmm.... A.J....

The diet question...

It's no secret that I am fat... There, I said it. I am fat.
I am well educated. I have a University degree.. in fact I have more than one of those in different fields.
I am an accomplished cook. I can cook from scratch, food from any cuisine around the world. I make killer desserts! From scratch... I speak 3 languages, two of them extremelly fluently in case you haven't noticed ;) I am (mostly) good looking. I am a good photographer. I am creative. I have a really good singing voice. I can play the guitar and the piano. I have a degree in computers and graphic design.
I am compasionate, I am not self-centered... some people might even call me a doormat... I am friendly, I am helpful and I am fun to be around. I will pick you up if you are feeling down, I am a loyal friend... in other words I am accomplished I think... and very blessed and I am dully grateful to the Maker for all my gifts..In fact without meaning to toot my own horn, I am, I think a little above average.

But for some people, none of these matter.One look at me and ALL they see is a fat woman.
I was IGNORED even though it was my turn at Starbucks the other day because the girl behind me was blonde, 20 and beautiful. I kid you not... the male barrista totally ignored me and asked her BEHIND me what she would like... THEN me.
When I go to a doctor they take one look at me and suddenly the remedy for ANY medical issue I might have (even if it is a tooth ache), is lose some weight.
Yet my cholesterol is perfect, so is my heart and my blood sugar and my BP.
All they see is a piece of fat.

I was thin once, not so long ago. I was thin all my life... I never had a weight issue EVER. Then I wanted kids and went the fertility drugs route... in between I lost my job and I was stuck at home all day... and things started to get crammed, pushy, difficult. I was only a few years in Greece, having left my friends abroad, married to man who preferred me at home, in a (then) empty apartment building...alone. Food became my solace. My husband LOVES food. I can get away with murder, literally, as long as I make him his favorites and don't skimp on the quantity. ;)
So I ate... and one day, 8 years later, I am fat. Gone are the days I could walk in ANY store and find something my size. I used to fit into Zara's teen collection just 8 years ago.
And now... I look at the windows longingly (even though I was never a fashion addict) and say "They make don't this for elephants".

Still, food is still my only freedom. My time is not mine. There is a "must" in every moment of my day. George thinks because I have no boss, I am free but it is not true. I have multiple "bosses". People I answer to because that is the nature of this business and I am OK with that. But the stress is huge... and stress and sculpting do not mix as you very well know.
My every waking moment is ruled by what I must be doing right now... For instance I am writing a post to unload but I should be unloading and re-loading the dish washer and starting lunch.
So I turned to food. I was never a quantity girl and I have a very limited palate. Like my son I can eat two bites of something and be ok with it. But all my favorites are the fattening things...

Being fat sucks especially in this country of model-thin people. I am such a minority that there are only TWO stores in the entire city I can shop from (I buy most of my stuff on eBay for this reason). It's sad because I avoid pics like the Devil.. I have no pics of me and my boys together :(
Yet, with food being my only "free" choice and outlet, I can't give it up. I can't tolerate the thought of another "must" or "mustn't" in my life.

Family (who by a twist of fate are all model thin and FASHION DESIGNERS!!!) will often come to me and say "I know of this GREAT dietician"... or this GREAT diet... and my mom wants me to get a gastric bypass.
None understand that I too know (and can succesfully follow as it turned out) a GREAT diet... and I know of a GREAT dietician (and I can't afford neither do I qualify for a bypass!). I am not missing those things... it's the will that I I am missing. I can't go on a diet not because I don't know how.. but because I am not mentally there.

Before dad died, in June, I started on the South Beach diet and stuck to it religiously for almost 3 months (until he died). Man I did GREAT. I lost a ton of weight... then he died and I didn't care anymore. We are coming up to his 6 month anniversary and his birthday in a few days and I think I am starting to come out of the fog that is grief. Don't get me wrong I still and will always cry for him. I will always miss him and this hole in my heart will never fill up. Whenever I call my brother I will keep him talking nonsense just to hear his voice that sounds so much like dad's.
Am I coming up to the place, mentally, that I can go back on my diet?
It's GREAT to be thinner. I know I will never get my figure back. Twin pregnancy  and enough steroids to be detected in my blood years later, made sure of that. Nothing sort of a tummy tuck will get rid of the tummy. And my zebra stripes will always be there too... but I am not aftera biking figure at all... I would love to be downgraded from "fat" to "chubby" though. I so wish my personality would outshine my lard body... but it doesn't. Apparently there is enough padding around my midsection to drown out anything else ;)

I am not fat because I am uneducated or stupid... and I don't regret it either. If someone came to me 8 years ago, as I was sitting all pretty in my size 12 outfit and said to me, you will be a mom but you will be a size 20 and look like a beached whale... I would STILL pick my boys over my figure.

Too bad my family can't see that and instead of me being worth my weight in gold for the person I am and what I offer my family... I am only worth my weight in lard... and inspite the triple digit number on the scale... apparenlty it is not worth much... not much at all.

I've never thought not to love you...

(a day late but I was in too much pain to blog yesterday)

My dearest, sweetest little boys...

Happy Valentine's day!! I never liked Valentine's day, at least not after I turned about 15 or so lol, but when I had you, I realized I was so in love with you, that I did celebrate Valenntine's after all... but with you two.

I hope you read this one day and understand...
When I first got pregnant with you, I tried really hard not to love you. This was after years of infertility and my innocence and belief in the "you get a positive pregnancy test and nine blessed months later you are holding a healthy, pink, chubby baby" story was long gone.
So I tried not to love you at first. I didn't want to get hurt again in case I lost you.

But it was impossible... I loved you more than life itself after that first sonogram when you were just the size of a bean. My beans!
And six years later, I love you more each day. You are my entire world. Everything I do, I do it for you. nothing else has meaning... I might scold or yell at you at times but I know you will never look into my eyes and wonder if you are wanted and loved.

Happy Valentine's day my sweets. I can't imagine my life without you :)
Love,
Mommy

And we all fall down..

Apparently though it is becoming a trend only with me...
I fell down.. AGAIN. And I hurt my knees. AGAIN... and I've a nasty sprain in my ankle...AGAIN.

As I was taking the boys home from school yesterday, I tripped over a gap in the pavement. I ducked forward to keep from falling but I had both packs on my back, mine and John's and for some bizarre reason, I started running, hunched over. I just.couldn't.straighten.my.back... the ONLY thing I could do was run forward, hunched over, to avoid losing my balance.

It was several seconds long because I remember thinking "what do I do now? I can't stop and I can't stand up... the only way to stop me is to ... fall down"... and down I went.
I got my left knee in a bloody mess, and sprained my ankle and busted my right knee pretty well. Because grace was never my strong suit... when I say fall down, I mean do it like a 10 ton mammoth does... just crumble into a pile!

I lay there for a good 10 minutes, people passing me by asking if I needed help... me fighting a wave of nausea (you know, the kind you get when you hurt a bone!). Thankfully the boys behaved and stayed next to me, not moving.

After 10 minutes of lying in the filthy pavement, I felt like I could stand up.. and I limped miserably to the car, drove in agony and then took an anti-inflamatory pill and iced my knee.
Man, it HURTS today!! My right knee and ankle have been hurt bad before so I am in agony on that side of my body plus apparently I pulled some muscles too because today they hurt.

When I fell my first thought was "seriously?". I couldn't believe I fell!! I mean, I am 34... you don't.fall.down when you are that old, right? This is my 3rd fall (one from the stairs!) in a month.
I have a sneaking suscpicion there is something wrong with my ears. I've been sick for a month so maybe I have fluid in there... or it's just that I am still not 100% (although I am much better) and I get light headed and dizzy a lot which I do and then I trip...

In any case, I am covered in blood and bruises and man, it HURTS. I am off to put my feet up and take some pain killers. I STILL can't believe I tripped over my feet and fell though... I mean, SERIOUSLY???

Done?

Yesterday I was browsing through photos of the boys as babies (up to 1 year old) looking for their first Halloween pics to send off to a morning show competition. I had them dressed in Tom Arma suits. John as a Skunk and Cody as a Beaver (because that's what I called them ;)).

As I was looking through the photos of their very first hours, progressing up to their one year birthday, I realized for the first time, I did NOT feel broody. I did NOT think "aw, I want to live THIS again"...
And it was...weird. I feel settled for the first time in a long time... complete even.
I am not sure it is because the financial situation in Greece is so bad right now. I am not sure if I will change my mind as soon as my sister (by choice not by blood ;)) gets pregnant herself... but for now the feeling is gone... and it's driving me crazy.

I just wish I could decide, and never look back one way or another. George really wants another child. Those who know of our ongoing marital issues (we have our good weeks and our bad weeks, I guess like all marriages and we are working on them), think that he only wants a child because he feels he will force me to stay ... those who know that we working on our marriage thinks it's ok... Hmmmm... I know for me George doesn't factor in. I don't actually depend on him for anything and I want a child, I would still go for it, with or without George. He is just not a factor. I know it sounds weird but he is rarely a factor these days.

Still yesterday looking at the early days of my babies did not make me cry, wanting that just one more time. And it was startling and weird. I guess if I did get pregnant tomorrow I would be happy about it and would never look bad... but if I didn't..? Just as well.
Is it because the boys have reached a stage at almost 6 1/2, that I am free with them? Because I am FINALLY sleeping through most nights? That on a Saturday morning, they are perfectly safe to get out of bed, go to the TV and watch cartoons quietly, snuggled on the couch for a good 1-2 hours without me having to wake up at 7am?
Yesterday I did not miss a single thing of what I saw in the pics... I did not miss diapers (although John is still incontinent and has to wear a night diaper - he does ok during day time with minimal accidents pet month). I did not miss breastfeeding, bottles, strollers or even sweet baby smells. I get more excited when I see pics of them running at sea or the playground or the zoo... and to try and decide what I really want, I play this game: we are i.e. at the Mall and I think "imagine if now you had a 6 month old in a stroller with you"... and the picture is off.
The babies I'd lost, the feeling of being pregnant... I don't miss any of that any more. I used to think that God (or Fate) "owed" me that baby I'd lost back... not anymore.

When I couldn't get pregnant I would beg God to just rip the desire out of me. I would live childless as He wanted, if only the desire was gone. I couldn't take the pain... Is this God answering my prayers for another baby? Is He saying to me "I see where your life is going even if you can't and because I love you, and I know how difficult another baby would be for you with what I see in your future, I am being kind and merciful and I rid you of the desire for another... live out in peace..."
Maybe ... or maybe I am preoccupied with all else in my life (and in the news about Greece) and a baby just isn't high in my list anymore because I have more pressing matters to attend to at the moment...
Who knows? But right now it feels as I would be just as happy with a puppy... hmmmmm
Wonder if I will be writing another post in a few months saying how I do want another baby... we shall see.

Edited to add: Another thought just occured to me.. Is it because I have two special needs little ones who totally, and in every sense, drained me so much that I simply have zero reserves for another child? I ADORE my boys, I wouldn't change a thing but it wasn't easy, I must acknowledge this. John is still hovering around 4 years old in inner maturity, he is still very much a baby who can't be trusted so maybe this is why I do not feel like wanting another?

Lets talk about dad...

I know you all come here to see cute dolls but I love sharing my life/thoughts with you... how I feel, direcdtly affects how I sculpt too, and let's face it, I love it when you mail me or comment with encouraging words.

On the 26th, it will be 6 months since my dad passed. I think about him everyday but not as frequently maybe. When I do think of him, the pang of gried is instant and hits me like a blast of blazing, impossible to breathe air right in the face. He is gone... and I will never see him again. It seems so surreal at this time. I have stopped taking plates of food to the door only to snap out of it and realize there is no one to take them to at this point.
Yet it only seems like ysterday, literally, I saw him last. Wasn't it yesterday he was driving my boys home from pre-school (for the short time they went to the private school he worked at).
Today I stopped by his car, still parked outside my building and took a look at all his things still inside. Two half-full bottles of water, his latest results of medical tests thrown in the back seat.... I have not had the guts to open the car and sit in it but I have been tempted to... it will still smell like him, right?

I think the fact he lived in the same building, makes it VERY hard for me, harder even because there isn't a single place in the building or around the neighborhood that is void of his memories. Everywhere I look, I see dad... driving down the road, the boys in the back seat, coming inside the building with super market bags...
And I can't go in his apartment, now rented by my brother in law and his girlfriend.

I so desperately want to go... for a few days but alas I have not the capability... I haven't gone away since he died... I don't about him anymore. People don't understand. I think in part because for most people, it's their mother their are close to, it's their mother that is their safe harbor, their helper... but for me, it was my dad and my dad only.

In a few weeks, Gus, his portrait doll is coming out and I can't wait. He was a little delayed but we are so close now to me holding him... I am excited :) Too bad the picture I have of him is black and white. I think his hair in the picture is brown or light brown... my dad has gray eyes and light colors..his hair was blonde in his older years but light brown when he was younger.
He honesly looked like John Stamos in his youth... he was a very handsome man.

As for me, I am counting week four of feeling ill. The "cold" I had turned into asymptomatic pneumonia and is kicking my butt. I have my good days (when I don't go out of the house) and my bad days. I woke up Saturday morning feeling ok and I drove to the super market only to spike a 104 fever that same night...actually half-way into shopping I started feeling woozy but thought nothing of it ... until we got home.
I stayed home Sunday and yesterday but had to go out to take the boys to school this morning so I pray I do not get another fever.

Hope you are all staying well and I promise next post will have cute dolls in it :)
Hugs
Tina

So ready not to be sick ;)

Hi all,
It's been a while huh? Well for the past 2 1/1 weeks, maybe a little more, I can't tell anymore, I've been sick. Correction... my entire family except George has been ill. Including that lady that I hire to help me out once a week with the house. So I've been sick, the boys have been sick and I didn't even have hired help, let alone, normal help ;)

It started with a runny nose for me, then two days later John started running a low grade fever... then Cody... then it turned into a high fever... then I woke up sometime in the a.m. feeling like I was freezing and you guessed it... *I* was running a high fever... for 4 days!! 104's and such.
Then the boys were a little better for a couple of days end of last week but I thought I would keep them home just in case... then John started spiking low grade fevers again and I took him to the ER... then I kept them home until today.

I was feeling *slightly* better each day but nothing major happened to say "OH I am finally 100%"... then my nose started running again and I got a sore throat. You guessed it. I caught something else. Ugh!!! I told George yesterday I feel sick... generally. You know... that feeling you have, heavy head, generally feeling run down? I am extremelly dizzy too.
So I am now on a different kind of antibiotics because this throat/tonsilitis thing seems to be viral. I think I caught it while in the ER with John (but I was SOOOO careful, I don't know how I did that).

So the boys are in school today and I am here trying to catch up on work while being dizzy ;)
I have worked on a new OOAK and some Natalies... Here is a (bad) picture of a redhead one with peaches and cream complexion. I am so happy with how she turned out!!!

Love this new pourer. The resin is so ... flawless :) It feels so much like clay, it's silly :)
I have finished 4 more Natalies, I will post pics when I dress them :) and I've shown their mommies first :)

They are here, they are here!!!

There is no greater joy for an artist than to receive a much expected package filled with her reproduced work. It doesn't matter if it is resin or vinyl, the excitement is the same, peppered with just a little trepidation because you know... you need to make sure it is exactly like you want it to be ;)

Today I got my Natalies! I was SO excited to get them that I didn't even wait for the postman to bring the notice... I just called, made sure the package was in the post office, loaded the kids in the car and off we went (I kept them home from school as apparently John has caught my flu-bug-thingie and was a little sick). Yes, not even a sick kid could stop me from going ;) Yes, I'd given him some Paracetamol and he felt good otherwise lol :)
Tomorrow I will go pick up the boxes and ribbons. Can't wait to show you!!

Ok off I go, I have so many things to do until tonight when I can sit down and paint some Natalies :)

Hugs
Tina

Spankings?

Today I got a feed in my e-mail from a blog I have been following a while. It's the story of a preemie boy who is now 2 1/2 (almost 3 actually). They hadn't posted since July so this was a long awaited post.
She writes that she sent her little boy to bible camp for a few days (!! at not even 3??) and that he only got "a few spankings" (!!!).

Huh?? I was so tempted to leave a comment but I restrained myself. Who am I to judge? He is a loved boy and this is a pained family as they lost their first baby and nearly lost the second (him). So I know the mom has gone through Hell complete with a lot of personal sacrifice for her son.
Still, it rubbed me wrong... very wrong.

I don't spank. Sure I had given the occassional swat on the butt, who hasn't? But I don't hit. I was hit mercilesly as a child by my mom (never my dad). I was beaten black and blue, I was terrorized (still wonder why I never mention my mom or why I have no relationship with her?), I lay awake at night in terror and worry often.
I don't hit. I don't take my nerves out on the kids. I wanted my kids. I worked really hard to get them here, to make them whole and functioning children. I don't hit.
But if I saw anyone lay a hand on them, child or adult, I would grind them to the ground. I am a very soft spoken person, practically a push-over. but when it comes to my kids, I am a dragon... not a lioness... a dragon, huge, fire breathing and with talons the size of an SUV. And I will unleash on you if you so much as touch my kids the wrong way...

"A few spankings"... on a former not even 3 preemie... In a BIBLE CHRISTIAN camp. Is my definition of Christian so much different then? Greeks are very firm Christians (Greek Orthodox, ever heard of that?)... I was never hit in Bibble Camp. I was never hit in Church Sunday School... my kids aren't either... am I the only one who finds this... wrong?