Saturday, August 21, 2010


I went to bed with a headache last night and woke up several times in the night by the boys wailing for a drink at 3 and 4am, with a headache still.
I got up in the morning and took something for it and now I feel better... but... I've had a dream I want to tell you about.

It was vivid, I was living it and I woke up crying with my pillows soaked.
In the dream I had babies... not just my two, but after them I had more... I had sextuplets and they had died... I had two in the NICU, tiny and conjoined (I know, strange!). My grandmother was alive and she was telling me how they would be fine... and I in turn was telling her that it wouldn't be because even if they did live, they would have brain damage and when they were separated each would only have one and and one leg.. "this is not a life worth living" I told my grandmother and I burst out crying.

I then called the NICU and they told me to come straight away. It was urgent. In my dream I was not living smack dab in the middle of capital like I am now, but in the country. I didn't know how to get to the NICU (I also apparently didn't drive in my dream or owned a car) but by some miracle, there was a taxi coming by.
"Please", I desperately wailed to the driver (who was sitting on the right side so I must have been in England!) "Please, take me to the Children's Hospital, as fast as you can..."

I cried and I cried and cried in my dream, my heart aching. I woke up breathless and with tears running down my cheeks.
What a STRANGE dream.... My heart still hurt an hour later, heavy with a grief about something that hasn't happened (and I doubt it ever will).
Not only that, but the whole concept of the dream was not depicting my views at all. In the first part I wanted to pull the plug on the babies (I didn't find out if they were boys or girls) and when they told me they were dying, all I wanted to do was to keep them alive...
On top of that, I do not believe that a life without a limb "is  a life not worth living". On the opposite I find our society puts too much weight on able bodiness. I've got a kid with 2/3 of a brain functioning and a body he doesn't yet command very well and I certainly believe that his life is very much worth living, especially since he's fought so much for a right in it.

Strange dream... and my heart is STILL hurting. My poor poor dream babies :( Whatever happened to them?
And I miss my grandma SO much... she was the one who pushed me in my creative endeavors as a child. If you have a Kewy in your collection and you love that baby, then it's my grandma you need to thank for her. If it wasn't for her support and faith in me, I would never have develop my artistic skills as much as I did. And she LOVED my dolls... she was my biggest fan... I only wish she had gotten to meet the boys :(


Jeanette said...

I have a Kewy. She bears a striking resemblance to my missing little one, which is why I bought her.

She's just little parts in a box since I have no idea what to do with her and can't find anyone to make her for me.

But it brings a tremendous sense of comfort to me to have this little creation in my home.

Thank you for what you do.

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