Friday, February 24, 2012

The diet question...

It's no secret that I am fat... There, I said it. I am fat.
I am well educated. I have a University degree.. in fact I have more than one of those in different fields.
I am an accomplished cook. I can cook from scratch, food from any cuisine around the world. I make killer desserts! From scratch... I speak 3 languages, two of them extremelly fluently in case you haven't noticed ;) I am (mostly) good looking. I am a good photographer. I am creative. I have a really good singing voice. I can play the guitar and the piano. I have a degree in computers and graphic design.
I am compasionate, I am not self-centered... some people might even call me a doormat... I am friendly, I am helpful and I am fun to be around. I will pick you up if you are feeling down, I am a loyal friend... in other words I am accomplished I think... and very blessed and I am dully grateful to the Maker for all my gifts..In fact without meaning to toot my own horn, I am, I think a little above average.

But for some people, none of these matter.One look at me and ALL they see is a fat woman.
I was IGNORED even though it was my turn at Starbucks the other day because the girl behind me was blonde, 20 and beautiful. I kid you not... the male barrista totally ignored me and asked her BEHIND me what she would like... THEN me.
When I go to a doctor they take one look at me and suddenly the remedy for ANY medical issue I might have (even if it is a tooth ache), is lose some weight.
Yet my cholesterol is perfect, so is my heart and my blood sugar and my BP.
All they see is a piece of fat.

I was thin once, not so long ago. I was thin all my life... I never had a weight issue EVER. Then I wanted kids and went the fertility drugs route... in between I lost my job and I was stuck at home all day... and things started to get crammed, pushy, difficult. I was only a few years in Greece, having left my friends abroad, married to man who preferred me at home, in a (then) empty apartment building...alone. Food became my solace. My husband LOVES food. I can get away with murder, literally, as long as I make him his favorites and don't skimp on the quantity. ;)
So I ate... and one day, 8 years later, I am fat. Gone are the days I could walk in ANY store and find something my size. I used to fit into Zara's teen collection just 8 years ago.
And now... I look at the windows longingly (even though I was never a fashion addict) and say "They make don't this for elephants".

Still, food is still my only freedom. My time is not mine. There is a "must" in every moment of my day. George thinks because I have no boss, I am free but it is not true. I have multiple "bosses". People I answer to because that is the nature of this business and I am OK with that. But the stress is huge... and stress and sculpting do not mix as you very well know.
My every waking moment is ruled by what I must be doing right now... For instance I am writing a post to unload but I should be unloading and re-loading the dish washer and starting lunch.
So I turned to food. I was never a quantity girl and I have a very limited palate. Like my son I can eat two bites of something and be ok with it. But all my favorites are the fattening things...

Being fat sucks especially in this country of model-thin people. I am such a minority that there are only TWO stores in the entire city I can shop from (I buy most of my stuff on eBay for this reason). It's sad because I avoid pics like the Devil.. I have no pics of me and my boys together :(
Yet, with food being my only "free" choice and outlet, I can't give it up. I can't tolerate the thought of another "must" or "mustn't" in my life.

Family (who by a twist of fate are all model thin and FASHION DESIGNERS!!!) will often come to me and say "I know of this GREAT dietician"... or this GREAT diet... and my mom wants me to get a gastric bypass.
None understand that I too know (and can succesfully follow as it turned out) a GREAT diet... and I know of a GREAT dietician (and I can't afford neither do I qualify for a bypass!). I am not missing those things... it's the will that I I am missing. I can't go on a diet not because I don't know how.. but because I am not mentally there.

Before dad died, in June, I started on the South Beach diet and stuck to it religiously for almost 3 months (until he died). Man I did GREAT. I lost a ton of weight... then he died and I didn't care anymore. We are coming up to his 6 month anniversary and his birthday in a few days and I think I am starting to come out of the fog that is grief. Don't get me wrong I still and will always cry for him. I will always miss him and this hole in my heart will never fill up. Whenever I call my brother I will keep him talking nonsense just to hear his voice that sounds so much like dad's.
Am I coming up to the place, mentally, that I can go back on my diet?
It's GREAT to be thinner. I know I will never get my figure back. Twin pregnancy  and enough steroids to be detected in my blood years later, made sure of that. Nothing sort of a tummy tuck will get rid of the tummy. And my zebra stripes will always be there too... but I am not aftera biking figure at all... I would love to be downgraded from "fat" to "chubby" though. I so wish my personality would outshine my lard body... but it doesn't. Apparently there is enough padding around my midsection to drown out anything else ;)

I am not fat because I am uneducated or stupid... and I don't regret it either. If someone came to me 8 years ago, as I was sitting all pretty in my size 12 outfit and said to me, you will be a mom but you will be a size 20 and look like a beached whale... I would STILL pick my boys over my figure.

Too bad my family can't see that and instead of me being worth my weight in gold for the person I am and what I offer my family... I am only worth my weight in lard... and inspite the triple digit number on the scale... apparenlty it is not worth much... not much at all.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I've never thought not to love you...

(a day late but I was in too much pain to blog yesterday)

My dearest, sweetest little boys...

Happy Valentine's day!! I never liked Valentine's day, at least not after I turned about 15 or so lol, but when I had you, I realized I was so in love with you, that I did celebrate Valenntine's after all... but with you two.

I hope you read this one day and understand...
When I first got pregnant with you, I tried really hard not to love you. This was after years of infertility and my innocence and belief in the "you get a positive pregnancy test and nine blessed months later you are holding a healthy, pink, chubby baby" story was long gone.
So I tried not to love you at first. I didn't want to get hurt again in case I lost you.

But it was impossible... I loved you more than life itself after that first sonogram when you were just the size of a bean. My beans!
And six years later, I love you more each day. You are my entire world. Everything I do, I do it for you. nothing else has meaning... I might scold or yell at you at times but I know you will never look into my eyes and wonder if you are wanted and loved.

Happy Valentine's day my sweets. I can't imagine my life without you :)

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

And we all fall down..

Apparently though it is becoming a trend only with me...
I fell down.. AGAIN. And I hurt my knees. AGAIN... and I've a nasty sprain in my ankle...AGAIN.

As I was taking the boys home from school yesterday, I tripped over a gap in the pavement. I ducked forward to keep from falling but I had both packs on my back, mine and John's and for some bizarre reason, I started running, hunched over. I just.couldn' the ONLY thing I could do was run forward, hunched over, to avoid losing my balance.

It was several seconds long because I remember thinking "what do I do now? I can't stop and I can't stand up... the only way to stop me is to ... fall down"... and down I went.
I got my left knee in a bloody mess, and sprained my ankle and busted my right knee pretty well. Because grace was never my strong suit... when I say fall down, I mean do it like a 10 ton mammoth does... just crumble into a pile!

I lay there for a good 10 minutes, people passing me by asking if I needed help... me fighting a wave of nausea (you know, the kind you get when you hurt a bone!). Thankfully the boys behaved and stayed next to me, not moving.

After 10 minutes of lying in the filthy pavement, I felt like I could stand up.. and I limped miserably to the car, drove in agony and then took an anti-inflamatory pill and iced my knee.
Man, it HURTS today!! My right knee and ankle have been hurt bad before so I am in agony on that side of my body plus apparently I pulled some muscles too because today they hurt.

When I fell my first thought was "seriously?". I couldn't believe I fell!! I mean, I am 34... you don't.fall.down when you are that old, right? This is my 3rd fall (one from the stairs!) in a month.
I have a sneaking suscpicion there is something wrong with my ears. I've been sick for a month so maybe I have fluid in there... or it's just that I am still not 100% (although I am much better) and I get light headed and dizzy a lot which I do and then I trip...

In any case, I am covered in blood and bruises and man, it HURTS. I am off to put my feet up and take some pain killers. I STILL can't believe I tripped over my feet and fell though... I mean, SERIOUSLY???

Thursday, February 09, 2012


Yesterday I was browsing through photos of the boys as babies (up to 1 year old) looking for their first Halloween pics to send off to a morning show competition. I had them dressed in Tom Arma suits. John as a Skunk and Cody as a Beaver (because that's what I called them ;)).

As I was looking through the photos of their very first hours, progressing up to their one year birthday, I realized for the first time, I did NOT feel broody. I did NOT think "aw, I want to live THIS again"...
And it was...weird. I feel settled for the first time in a long time... complete even.
I am not sure it is because the financial situation in Greece is so bad right now. I am not sure if I will change my mind as soon as my sister (by choice not by blood ;)) gets pregnant herself... but for now the feeling is gone... and it's driving me crazy.

I just wish I could decide, and never look back one way or another. George really wants another child. Those who know of our ongoing marital issues (we have our good weeks and our bad weeks, I guess like all marriages and we are working on them), think that he only wants a child because he feels he will force me to stay ... those who know that we working on our marriage thinks it's ok... Hmmmm... I know for me George doesn't factor in. I don't actually depend on him for anything and I want a child, I would still go for it, with or without George. He is just not a factor. I know it sounds weird but he is rarely a factor these days.

Still yesterday looking at the early days of my babies did not make me cry, wanting that just one more time. And it was startling and weird. I guess if I did get pregnant tomorrow I would be happy about it and would never look bad... but if I didn't..? Just as well.
Is it because the boys have reached a stage at almost 6 1/2, that I am free with them? Because I am FINALLY sleeping through most nights? That on a Saturday morning, they are perfectly safe to get out of bed, go to the TV and watch cartoons quietly, snuggled on the couch for a good 1-2 hours without me having to wake up at 7am?
Yesterday I did not miss a single thing of what I saw in the pics... I did not miss diapers (although John is still incontinent and has to wear a night diaper - he does ok during day time with minimal accidents pet month). I did not miss breastfeeding, bottles, strollers or even sweet baby smells. I get more excited when I see pics of them running at sea or the playground or the zoo... and to try and decide what I really want, I play this game: we are i.e. at the Mall and I think "imagine if now you had a 6 month old in a stroller with you"... and the picture is off.
The babies I'd lost, the feeling of being pregnant... I don't miss any of that any more. I used to think that God (or Fate) "owed" me that baby I'd lost back... not anymore.

When I couldn't get pregnant I would beg God to just rip the desire out of me. I would live childless as He wanted, if only the desire was gone. I couldn't take the pain... Is this God answering my prayers for another baby? Is He saying to me "I see where your life is going even if you can't and because I love you, and I know how difficult another baby would be for you with what I see in your future, I am being kind and merciful and I rid you of the desire for another... live out in peace..."
Maybe ... or maybe I am preoccupied with all else in my life (and in the news about Greece) and a baby just isn't high in my list anymore because I have more pressing matters to attend to at the moment...
Who knows? But right now it feels as I would be just as happy with a puppy... hmmmmm
Wonder if I will be writing another post in a few months saying how I do want another baby... we shall see.

Edited to add: Another thought just occured to me.. Is it because I have two special needs little ones who totally, and in every sense, drained me so much that I simply have zero reserves for another child? I ADORE my boys, I wouldn't change a thing but it wasn't easy, I must acknowledge this. John is still hovering around 4 years old in inner maturity, he is still very much a baby who can't be trusted so maybe this is why I do not feel like wanting another?

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Lets talk about dad...

I know you all come here to see cute dolls but I love sharing my life/thoughts with you... how I feel, direcdtly affects how I sculpt too, and let's face it, I love it when you mail me or comment with encouraging words.

On the 26th, it will be 6 months since my dad passed. I think about him everyday but not as frequently maybe. When I do think of him, the pang of gried is instant and hits me like a blast of blazing, impossible to breathe air right in the face. He is gone... and I will never see him again. It seems so surreal at this time. I have stopped taking plates of food to the door only to snap out of it and realize there is no one to take them to at this point.
Yet it only seems like ysterday, literally, I saw him last. Wasn't it yesterday he was driving my boys home from pre-school (for the short time they went to the private school he worked at).
Today I stopped by his car, still parked outside my building and took a look at all his things still inside. Two half-full bottles of water, his latest results of medical tests thrown in the back seat.... I have not had the guts to open the car and sit in it but I have been tempted to... it will still smell like him, right?

I think the fact he lived in the same building, makes it VERY hard for me, harder even because there isn't a single place in the building or around the neighborhood that is void of his memories. Everywhere I look, I see dad... driving down the road, the boys in the back seat, coming inside the building with super market bags...
And I can't go in his apartment, now rented by my brother in law and his girlfriend.

I so desperately want to go... for a few days but alas I have not the capability... I haven't gone away since he died... I don't about him anymore. People don't understand. I think in part because for most people, it's their mother their are close to, it's their mother that is their safe harbor, their helper... but for me, it was my dad and my dad only.

In a few weeks, Gus, his portrait doll is coming out and I can't wait. He was a little delayed but we are so close now to me holding him... I am excited :) Too bad the picture I have of him is black and white. I think his hair in the picture is brown or light brown... my dad has gray eyes and light colors..his hair was blonde in his older years but light brown when he was younger.
He honesly looked like John Stamos in his youth... he was a very handsome man.

As for me, I am counting week four of feeling ill. The "cold" I had turned into asymptomatic pneumonia and is kicking my butt. I have my good days (when I don't go out of the house) and my bad days. I woke up Saturday morning feeling ok and I drove to the super market only to spike a 104 fever that same night...actually half-way into shopping I started feeling woozy but thought nothing of it ... until we got home.
I stayed home Sunday and yesterday but had to go out to take the boys to school this morning so I pray I do not get another fever.

Hope you are all staying well and I promise next post will have cute dolls in it :)

Friday, February 03, 2012

So ready not to be sick ;)

Hi all,
It's been a while huh? Well for the past 2 1/1 weeks, maybe a little more, I can't tell anymore, I've been sick. Correction... my entire family except George has been ill. Including that lady that I hire to help me out once a week with the house. So I've been sick, the boys have been sick and I didn't even have hired help, let alone, normal help ;)

It started with a runny nose for me, then two days later John started running a low grade fever... then Cody... then it turned into a high fever... then I woke up sometime in the a.m. feeling like I was freezing and you guessed it... *I* was running a high fever... for 4 days!! 104's and such.
Then the boys were a little better for a couple of days end of last week but I thought I would keep them home just in case... then John started spiking low grade fevers again and I took him to the ER... then I kept them home until today.

I was feeling *slightly* better each day but nothing major happened to say "OH I am finally 100%"... then my nose started running again and I got a sore throat. You guessed it. I caught something else. Ugh!!! I told George yesterday I feel sick... generally. You know... that feeling you have, heavy head, generally feeling run down? I am extremelly dizzy too.
So I am now on a different kind of antibiotics because this throat/tonsilitis thing seems to be viral. I think I caught it while in the ER with John (but I was SOOOO careful, I don't know how I did that).

So the boys are in school today and I am here trying to catch up on work while being dizzy ;)
I have worked on a new OOAK and some Natalies... Here is a (bad) picture of a redhead one with peaches and cream complexion. I am so happy with how she turned out!!!

Love this new pourer. The resin is so ... flawless :) It feels so much like clay, it's silly :)
I have finished 4 more Natalies, I will post pics when I dress them :) and I've shown their mommies first :)

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