Monday, July 25, 2011

Secondary Infertility Sucks...

I think by now, most of you know my husband and I struggled with infertility for many years before I conceived the boys (NOT naturally btw).
It seems to run in our family; my grandmother conceived my mom after 20+ years of trying at the age of 42... only ONE of her 3 sisters was blessed with children.
My mom was unaffected apparently since she had the 3 of us (although she claims she took fertility pills to conceive my brother)... If it skips a generation it explains me...

It is very hard to explain the feelings and gaping hole infertility leaves you with. It is a multi-level disaster as it affects everything, including your marriage and even your bank account. The shots I had that ultimately lead me to motherhood, cost $4500 per vial...and I needed two vials. By the time I had left the hospital with my boys, I estimate we spent over $45000 in fertility treatments and the birth and NICU stay of the boys (and it was a SHORT NICU stay for only one of them).

For a while I was fine. I had forgotten all about infertility and was happy to live out the rest of my life as the mom of two... but recently, about a year and a half ago, the dreams started again.
I had these vivid dreams about having a baby while we were struggling and let's say, dreams, have been a big part of my life, guiding me many many times. Now, I am a VERY square headed person. Kinda like my favorite character, Mr. Spock. So for *me* to say I have these dreams and they come true, is a big thing because even I don't believe in that crap but heck, it has been happening to me all my life. The things I have dreamt about and have come true, will make your skin crawl.

For instance, I saw I would be having twins, before we had even seen that second baby. I knew I would be having one big one small, the big being blonde and the small having dark spiky hair. They were the opposite when they were born, the big one had black spiky hair and the tiny one had blonde but 5 1/2 years later, my big boy is now a blondie and my small guy now has dark brown hair.

So about a year and a half ago, hubby and I caught each other going googly eyed over babies in the street, in the Mall, everywhere. Without previously talking about it, we had both started to want just one more shot at this. We finally confessed to each other a few months ago but of course there are obstacles before we even think about trying.
We have been working on our marriage hard for over a year. Yes, we still have our hard moments but through the help of a pscychiatrist, we have found our footing and decided we are better as a team.

The obstacle is my weight. I gained too much while trying for the boys and I don't think I will become pregnant or sustain a pregnancy at my current weight. Plus we want to try naturally this time. In fact, we have no choice. We do not have the resources we had when we were childless to spend thousands of dollars on treatment again.
So we will leave it up to God (or the Universe if you do not believe in God). At the end of the day, I am not in charge and if the answer is no, all I ask for is for Him to grant me the serenity and peace of mind  that it is for the best because Lord, serioulsy, I am all cried out.

Those of you who are struggling right now, and have no children yet, are probably feeling what I felt when I read similar posts from women struggling with secondary infertility.

I would just feel this indignation rise inside of me and I was certain, I would just want ONE child and be forever happy and grateful..and I AM. I am humbly grateful, I am floored in awe still that I am a mom, that *I* was trusted to raise these two extraordinary people, please believe me I am.
But over the years, something inside of me changed...and if you are infertile and trying (and I wish with all my heart you get a baby!!) and become a mom, trust me, the desire will come again. It is human nature. And you do not need people thinking you are "blessed enough" or selfish to want another. Just as you do not need people saying to quit complaining about pregnancy because surely you are blessed after infertility and you should shut up, feel grateful for the pains and aches and vomitting... and I know in some level you are but heck, now matter how you look at it, it still SUCKS to throw up every two hours lol :)

All I am saying it, don't knock it and don't judge it, until you've walked a mile in my shoes (this advise goes to me too).

I WISH I could have another baby... it might happen someday, it might not. Somedays I pray, like I did before, for God to rip the desire from my heart and let me get on with my life... and each time, something a friend once told me that held true for her, echoed in my ears spurring me on... She told me she too prayed to God to take the desire from her heart so it would stop hurting and then she had her son and God's voice echoed in her heart "That is why I didn't rid you of the desire, because one day I would give you a son".


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