Wednesday, December 26, 2012

He is gone...

My father in law just passed not two hours ago. I have sent the boys to a neighbor awaiting George's return. My husband is hard to read even in "easy" times so I am not sure what to expect, plus he is sleepless, so I thought it best if the boys gave him some space.
Cody took it like I thought he would; he cried and expressed him emotions. He is moody and irritable. John showed no emotion. The news passed over him like rain over glass.
He asked some questions, then went on talking about his videogames. It was as if I had just told him "it's going to rain tomorrow".

I have always thought death to be hard only on the living, those left behind and it is no secret I firmly believe that some fates are worse than death.
It took my father in law being tormented like he was for several months to make me realize that my own father, got a "sweet" deal after all.

Long before he knew he was going to die, one sunny afternoon, we were sitting in his veranta and he said to me "There is only one thing I fear; to be in constant pain for a long time before I die. I don't wanna live like that."
God showed mercy, because my dad only suffered 11 days, and those in the hospital under heavy duty pain killers. At the time I didn't believe it, but now that it happened to someone else close to me, I thank God for the mercy he showed my father.

My father in law, John, was in the hospital for almost 3 months. He endured at least 6, hours upon hours long procedures, immense pain and torment before he died. I will always view death in the face of such torment, as a mercy, as a release.
The task of putting the pieces back together now falls unto us, the living.
I must support my husband and my kids who grieve for their grandfather. I will need to be a single parent for a while, while my husband finds his footing again.

The next few days will be busy but less difficult than the months to follow. You keep busy with funeral arrangements and you have friends and family near by to comfort you and even take your mind off your own grief for a while. Plus it hasn't really been a long time since the event, not enough to really drive home the nagging feeling that you will see your person again soon.

As time goes on, friends and family return to their own lives, as they should. It is not their grief after all... and then you are left alone with nothing to do, trying to figure out where to go from here.
I felt unhinged when my father died because he was, for all intends and purposes, my only real family, in the sense he was always there for me and acted fatherly.

I don't know what to do for George as my husband keeps to himself even on a day to day basis.
I feel a little lost...

Please say a prayer for all of us left behind. Pray that George will find his own peace; pray for peace for my boys also and lastly, even if it sounds a little selfish, pray that I too, stay strong for all of them.



Barbra said...

((((((((Tina))))))))))) Love ya girl. Thinking of you.

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