What I want for Christmas...

Here is my list of what I would like for Christmas:

1. Another 24hrs with my dad... I will settle for 10 more minutes though.

2. My marriage to work out.

3. A sprinkle of good luck and things to go MY way for a change.

Ok so since these are a little far-off here is a list of tanglible things:

1. I would like for my energy to pick up, my nerves to settle so that I can provide a wonderful Christmas for my boys!

2. I would like to be able to get away with hubby, sans kids, for a couple of days so we can relax and look into the future because this wait and see, is killing me!

3. I would like for hubby to surprise me just once and get me flowers and candy and maybe a night out HE orcherstrated on my birthday (4th January)

4. I would love it if there was ONE present for ME under the tree this year. I always get presents for everyone including the boys' teachers each year but only my best friend gets me something. I get no presents for my birthday either :( and it's ok. I am a big girl... but once in a while, even if it is only a card or a candy bar with a bow, I would love to get something...

Because of all those reasons, family, do not be surprised if I use the money I saved up to buy ME a new camera this Christmas... thank you for understanding ;) ;)
I promise to get all of you socks this year... after all, you've earned it (and I am not talking about my kids obviously lol)

Oh and just in case I do find the energy to host a dinner this year too, please do not gobble down the food and disappear like you did last year. It was very offensive and as it turned out it WAS my dad's last Christmas on this Earth. And you may have not appreciated all my hard work, after all how could you, you ate so fast I have doubts if you even tasted the food, but it was a wonderful day for my dad and I will forever be grateful that despite your strong opposition, your negative opinions and the nasty things you said to me (dear hubby who shall remain nameless), I AM GLAD I PUT MY FOOT DOWN AND DID IT!!!! so there...

Yeah, I am pissed and moody today.. tomorrow is my dad's 3rd month of his passing... I miss you daddy!

Pop quiz...

No cheating now... Is this a real baby I photographed the other day?

Grateful..

Thanksgiving is not a Greek holiday but I do wish it were because I love the meaning of it and the traditions that come with it... This week, with all my American friends and my family in the US, preparing to celebrate it, I keep thinking what I am most grateful for... So here goes:

I am grateful and humbled by my children and the chance I was given to raise them.
I am grateful that my dad got to not only become a grandfather but also to be a daily part of their lives for almost 6 years because I know most grandparents do not get the chance (and some that DO, simply toss it aside but let's not go there in this post shall we?)

I am grateful for my sculpting gift and the perplexing patience that I lack in general but have plenty of when I work.
I am grateful for all of YOU, my collectors because no matter how good one is, without YOU all of this would be meaningless in more than one ways. I am grateful for your patience when things do not work out for me, for your compassion, for loving what I create. YOU spur me on and I am priviledged to have known each and every one of you... I hope you stick around because, ladies, you will not believe the ideas I have flying in my head ;)

I am grateful because even though I do not have a rich life, even though I wish I had the money so that my kids would go to a better school, I wish our tiny apartment was a little larger, I wish our 20 year old junk car was newer.... I am GRATEFUL because I have a roof over my head, I have a car that (mostly) runs, I have some food in my fridge, my bank account is not zero and the boys love their school and it is not totally crappy for a public school... even if I never get a new car, or a better school and even if I grow old and die in this tiny hole of an apartment, I will still be Grateful and I will still share the little I do have with those that have less than I do. Even if it is not much...

What are you grateful for??

Freya..

I can...

already tell...

That...

Just like the brother...

She resembles the most...

This little girl...

Who has a mind of her own already...

Will be a handfull...

(Thank goodness she is cute!)



Johnny Johnny....

I adore him... I would lay my life down for him every second of every day if it meant he would carry on and be happy and healthy...

I am a very bubbly and upbeat person normally but... some days, I crack...

Even after all we have done for him, and all his progress which I must say, is huge, John still remains in many, many, MANY areas, still at age 3... 4 tops.

It's been six years and even though John develops, it's at his own (snail's) pace. The problem is I am getting tired far quicker and as pressure and responsibilities mount, my John remains a baby in many areas while the demands mount on him too...

Unfortunately we also live in a country with a damaged and full of holes system and John slips through each crack. There are no answers and no guidance. Everyone can only offer their best "guess" or "opinion" but you know what they say about those... So it all comes down to me...

Yes he has CP and he now walks BUT... (he can't run and he can't coordinate his body really well)

Yes he is super-humanly clever BUT... (he can't follow directions or obey rules)

Pluses are stacked on this kid... but so are minuses and some times the balance is just too delicate and I can't hold it :(

How do I even know I am doing something right??? What if despite his good points, he just won't be able to ever fit in and function in society?? Will he find his niche?

When will he grow up? Why is everything a struggle with him? Why does he fight me in every turn? Will he ever reach his peers in emotional maturity??

Could I love him and his brother any more??

(and will all this eventually be the death of me?)

Somehow...

Somehow...and I am not exactly sure HOW, last night... These two...

Blew out SIX candles each...

(btw do you like the cakes I made for them? They love Star Wars Clone Wars AND Lego Star Wars.. I thought it was a neat compromise, what do you think?) HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY WONDERBUGS!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

Why H & M will be my doom!

I used to say I could NOT walk in "Jumbo" (something like Toys R' Us) and just leave with a bill under 100 Euros... I beat that!!! I went cold turkey ;) However... now I can't walk in H & M with a bill under 100 Euros!

But it's NOT my fault!!! I mean... they set a trap for me!!! First they made my son tear up his trousers at school today... then I made sure I had to be somewhere, right next to their store about 15 minutes after I picked up the boys... so with torn pants, I HAD to go to H & M and buy him a new pair... of course they made sure they were cheaper than Next which is right next to them...

And then.... then.... they had long sleeved t-shirts for the boys with Mario heroes on them... OF COURSE we could NOT, not get them... Then they made sure, I went right past the baby isle in which they had ALL my favorites.


Pink and brown ladies, PINK AND BROWN.... (terrible pics) And not only that...

BALLET SHOES... in the tiniest, tiniest size...

I went in fully intending to buy a 10 Euro pair of pants... I walked out with several items totalling 90 Euros... I am scr!wed. On the other hand... I DARE you resist pink and brown cross over onesies with the CUTEST squirrel on them... Or knit, STRIPPED, pink and brown footies with a HOOD... or the tiniest softest ballet shoes. No seriously, I DARE YOU!!!!!!

The reason I did not want to get up this morning

(except the fact I still feel like a truck hit me of course) Ok so let's take a look at my to do list, shall we? Today I need to: Work Cook lunch Prepare the swimming bag for the boys Go pick up two items from the Post Office which means driving around for half an hour hoping to park Go get the boys from school so we can go to the swim classes, which means drive around for half an hour around the school hoping to park Prepare them, dress them etc, hand them over to their coaches and watch classes (insert 45 minutes of me sitting in the stands, probably trying to organize the party) Get them, wash them, dress them, blow dry their hair, pack them in the car Go to the dentist were Cody must have two front teeth remove (they are wobbly but because they are fake, they won't come out on their own) Take the boys to a promised toy shop where I will pick up some last minute items for the party and they will each pick a tiny reward (John will have his teeth checked too) Take them home, feed them, do homework, put them down for sleep Clean up a little George arrives, feed George Walk dog By this time I am dragging and my feet hurt Crash and sleep and wake up the next day and do it all over again Aaaand because by now I am SURE you are feeling stressed out and weepy like I do, here are a couple of photos to cheer you up... You're welcome! This is my biracial little baby (6"). Who is NOT as dark as these pics, s/he has an olive skin tone... Work in progress, no body yet. (sorry about the horrible pic, I had to hold the camera with one hand *heavy!* and have my f speed really low to hit the proper exposure!!)

And this is my other work in progress I dug up. I haven't finished painting and glazing him... He will be around 8-9" ... And a picture with the two heads to show you the difference in *scale* of 5-6" and 8-9" and the difference in the skin colors (the skin on the biracial baby is painted and blended by me, the clay was Caucasian originally like the bigger baby).

You do NOT want to see my "head" stash... but I promised I won't sculpt anything new until all the heads have limbs and bodies... yeah... it might... take me a while...

Dad comes for a visit...

I am a very level headed person... I still struggle with the idea of an Afterlife because I cannot explain it scientifically. I DO believe in a Higher Being (God in my case) but after dad died I wasn't sure I believed in Heaven or Hell anymore. At least not the way most people present it... I know most people that go through a loss, question their faith, so I apologized to God and kept going... However somethings just cannot be explained... I waited with baited breath for a sign from dad that he was ok, that he had made it to the "other side" whatever that other side was but nothing... I am a very ehm... spiritual person, in the sense that I am generally very tuned in with weird things, paranormal things... I can "sense" when things are about to happen and this becomes very obvious to me in dreams. I cannot begin to tell you how many times solutions or premonitions or even the future as it later happened, have presented themselves to me when I dream. For instance, I saw my boys and I swear on their lives for this, before I even got pregnant...before we even knew I would ever get pregnant with my medical issues... I saw a chubby blonde boy and tiny, frail dark haired boy, newborns and they were mine...and in my dream the robust one was doing great and the tiny one, I worried about so much I could feel it in my sleep... This dream repeated itself over and over again during the two years I was struggling with IVF and what-not...and low and behold I gave birth to two boys, a robust dark haired one and a frail and tiny blonde one...hmmm that didn't quite match my dream...but wait! As they grew the boys reversed, and the frail blonde one (John) grew dark hair and my raven black haired one (Cody) the robust one, is now my fair haired one!!! Weird!!! Also I dreamt of having twins. We had seen ONE baby alive on ultrasound, one whose heart had stopped and we thought ok, I am having one baby... then I had a dream where I was having an ultrasound again, however there was a third baby now... but we couldn't see his legs. Lo and behold, a week later, we saw a third baby and John was born with diplegia (a form of cerebral palsy that affects the legs!). I can't explain all these (and a ton more!), without tapping into the strange and paranormal. I just know things sometimes ... Anyway, back to dad... So I hadn't seen dad at all since the day he died. I got no signs...except a ton of geckos (I love geckos). After he died and after not seeing a single one all summer, since the night he died onwards, every night I walked the dog, they were ALL around me on the walls of the houses on the street... But, no dad, no dream, not sign he was ok... I thought he was mad at me for something... then on Saturday night, he visited!!! I saw him plain as day, in the house I grew up in, with my grandfather.. he LOVED my grandfather, having no dad of his own, my grandfather was his father in all respects except blood. So they were sitting around the kitchen table, waiting for lunch. My grandma was cooking (I didn't see her but I "knew" she was there)... and my dad was definitely OK, healthy and even younger than when he died (around 45-ish I would say). My grandfather was younger as well. They were talking about work...and they even gave me a solution to a problem I went to bed thinking about. Then today, I found out Saturday was "soul day". I don't know how to explain it in English but in the Greek orthodox Christian religion, some Saturdays a year it is said the souls leave Heaven and roam about which is why it is tradition for us to make a special food and offer it to show them we remeber them. I had NO idea it was a soul Saturday though... yet, my dad and granddad visited to show me they had found each other and were doing great!! I miss them both so much but it makes me feel a little better knowing they are alright...

The Wonderbugs turn 6!

When did that happen? I suppose somewhere between this horrible summer and me turning almost all gray (I kid you not, I am more gray than my 60 year old mother in law!), my Wonderbugs are turning six... in two weeks exactly from today! This year I won't even bother with the "how and when did that happen?". Maybe because this year feels like an eternity so I guess I wouldn't be surprised if they were turning 10 all of a sudden! So ... their birthday. For me, birthdays are very important. They are a way of saying "Thank you for being born! I loved that day and every single one since. I am so happy you are here and I am so proud you are growing up"... As soon as I told my in laws I was having this big party, they were all over me of course... On one hand, my father's passing and on the other the dire financial conditions of our country, and they were borh saying I shouldn't do anything... but you see.. it doesn't work like that exactly in my "weird" Tina mind. My father's passing: the boys have already lost someone they had daily and intimate contact with and they miss him dearly. Their summer has been marked by their mother being absent almost the entire month of August while he was struggling in the hospital, then their mother breaking down more or less. I do not want it be the first year they didn't celebrate their birthday. I never have people over, we don't have many playdates either as all of their friends are so busy with extra curicular things, nobody actually plays anymore!! (which is why my boys ONLY have swimming and for John, the mandatory therapy)... so it's not like they get so see their friends outside of school all that often. Then the financial aspect.... well, I have been saving up since July for their party. Any pocket money I made from my photoshoots, went to their party fund. I stroke deals and did most of the things myself. I bought a lot of things online (they are so cheap even with shipping added if I get them from the US or China for instance), so all in all it will not cost me as much as they think... plus lets not forget our TINY 2 bedroom apartment that last year fit exactly 3 friends and their parents were literally sitting on top of each other... I didn't sit down all afternoon because... there wasn't enough room in our tiny apartment... first and LAST time we did their party at home. So they were chewing my ears up all Sunday afternoon, my in laws... At the end I got so mad at them that I said "I didn't steal the money, I didn't ask you for the money, it is my money, I worked hard for it and I want to spend it for a party, what's YOUR deal with it?" If you know me, you know I NEVER raise my voice but since dad died, I have been pretty aggressive to be honest...which is NOT all bad. I stand up for myself now much more than I used to... :) So I got a super cheap deal for a local Kid Disco for 30 people and I can bring extra people for only $5 each (and under 5's they go for free!!!! ) In other places they asked for at LEAST $10 per person with only ONE coffee included in the price and NO food and younger kids over 18 months would pay full price. But for a fiver in that place, they can have as many coffees or sodas or juice they want and some finger food is included :) They will also provide the music, fireworks, balloons etc etc... but if you know me, you know I am Type A... so I am providing very specific music, balloons and extra food ;) We also love theme parties and this year we are going with the boys' favorite, Star Wars!!! Both boys are going dressed as Clone Troopers (Thank you Barbra for your invaluable help in getting the costumes from the US!) and I got masks and inlfatable Lightsabers for the kids. I made the invitation to sound like the beginning of the Clone Wars cartoon... like "The Extremists are attacking with their Droid army but the brave Clones are cutting them off on every turn. Will you help save the Galaxy? Training starts...." (details of party and time etc) I designed and printed them myself too :) See? Saving $$ everywhere. I am also doing the cakes, cake pops, cupcakes and some light finger food like meatballs, whole weat turkey sandwiches, a pasta souffle for the adults, salads etc. Yes I will be cooking all Saturday before the party but I love it :) Yesterday I did the music CDs and printed them too (so the DJ will know which ones are ours. And to make sure, I printed proper covers for them with the boys' photos on them)...and yes, I have actually bought all the music I own ;) (Thank you iTunes and Nokia lol). My pop/rock boys have very specific music tastes so I wanted very specific music: Pink, Queen, Bon Jovi, Avril Lavigne (Cody's favorite!), Meatloaf are but a few of their faves... of course they also love Big Time Rush and Victoria (from the Nickelodeon and Disney channels) so their music went in there too.We do not listen to Greek music much so I wanted to avoid that and most places will put on the "latest hits" and ... ewwww!! I want the Star Wars theme to play when the birthday cakes arrive so I put that in there too, renaming it "Cake" just in case the DJ has no idea who John Williams is or what Star Wars is lol :) I have a folder full of stuff, addresses, keeping track of orders, to do lists, menus, shopping lists... trying to dot my i's and cross my t's as best I can. Which reminds me, I need to burn a couple of back ups for the music and also put them on a USB stick and memory card... just in case!! I still need to do their birthday video which will be projected on a wall projector thingy. Hmmmm.... good thing I know a couple of things about computers, right? Movie maker here I come...