Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Lets talk about dad...

I know you all come here to see cute dolls but I love sharing my life/thoughts with you... how I feel, direcdtly affects how I sculpt too, and let's face it, I love it when you mail me or comment with encouraging words.

On the 26th, it will be 6 months since my dad passed. I think about him everyday but not as frequently maybe. When I do think of him, the pang of gried is instant and hits me like a blast of blazing, impossible to breathe air right in the face. He is gone... and I will never see him again. It seems so surreal at this time. I have stopped taking plates of food to the door only to snap out of it and realize there is no one to take them to at this point.
Yet it only seems like ysterday, literally, I saw him last. Wasn't it yesterday he was driving my boys home from pre-school (for the short time they went to the private school he worked at).
Today I stopped by his car, still parked outside my building and took a look at all his things still inside. Two half-full bottles of water, his latest results of medical tests thrown in the back seat.... I have not had the guts to open the car and sit in it but I have been tempted to... it will still smell like him, right?

I think the fact he lived in the same building, makes it VERY hard for me, harder even because there isn't a single place in the building or around the neighborhood that is void of his memories. Everywhere I look, I see dad... driving down the road, the boys in the back seat, coming inside the building with super market bags...
And I can't go in his apartment, now rented by my brother in law and his girlfriend.

I so desperately want to go... for a few days but alas I have not the capability... I haven't gone away since he died... I don't about him anymore. People don't understand. I think in part because for most people, it's their mother their are close to, it's their mother that is their safe harbor, their helper... but for me, it was my dad and my dad only.

In a few weeks, Gus, his portrait doll is coming out and I can't wait. He was a little delayed but we are so close now to me holding him... I am excited :) Too bad the picture I have of him is black and white. I think his hair in the picture is brown or light brown... my dad has gray eyes and light colors..his hair was blonde in his older years but light brown when he was younger.
He honesly looked like John Stamos in his youth... he was a very handsome man.

As for me, I am counting week four of feeling ill. The "cold" I had turned into asymptomatic pneumonia and is kicking my butt. I have my good days (when I don't go out of the house) and my bad days. I woke up Saturday morning feeling ok and I drove to the super market only to spike a 104 fever that same night...actually half-way into shopping I started feeling woozy but thought nothing of it ... until we got home.
I stayed home Sunday and yesterday but had to go out to take the boys to school this morning so I pray I do not get another fever.

Hope you are all staying well and I promise next post will have cute dolls in it :)


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