Yesterday I was browsing through photos of the boys as babies (up to 1 year old) looking for their first Halloween pics to send off to a morning show competition. I had them dressed in Tom Arma suits. John as a Skunk and Cody as a Beaver (because that's what I called them ;)).
As I was looking through the photos of their very first hours, progressing up to their one year birthday, I realized for the first time, I did NOT feel broody. I did NOT think "aw, I want to live THIS again"...
And it was...weird. I feel settled for the first time in a long time... complete even.
I am not sure it is because the financial situation in Greece is so bad right now. I am not sure if I will change my mind as soon as my sister (by choice not by blood ;)) gets pregnant herself... but for now the feeling is gone... and it's driving me crazy.
I just wish I could decide, and never look back one way or another. George really wants another child. Those who know of our ongoing marital issues (we have our good weeks and our bad weeks, I guess like all marriages and we are working on them), think that he only wants a child because he feels he will force me to stay ... those who know that we working on our marriage thinks it's ok... Hmmmm... I know for me George doesn't factor in. I don't actually depend on him for anything and I want a child, I would still go for it, with or without George. He is just not a factor. I know it sounds weird but he is rarely a factor these days.
Still yesterday looking at the early days of my babies did not make me cry, wanting that just one more time. And it was startling and weird. I guess if I did get pregnant tomorrow I would be happy about it and would never look bad... but if I didn't..? Just as well.
Is it because the boys have reached a stage at almost 6 1/2, that I am free with them? Because I am FINALLY sleeping through most nights? That on a Saturday morning, they are perfectly safe to get out of bed, go to the TV and watch cartoons quietly, snuggled on the couch for a good 1-2 hours without me having to wake up at 7am?
Yesterday I did not miss a single thing of what I saw in the pics... I did not miss diapers (although John is still incontinent and has to wear a night diaper - he does ok during day time with minimal accidents pet month). I did not miss breastfeeding, bottles, strollers or even sweet baby smells. I get more excited when I see pics of them running at sea or the playground or the zoo... and to try and decide what I really want, I play this game: we are i.e. at the Mall and I think "imagine if now you had a 6 month old in a stroller with you"... and the picture is off.
The babies I'd lost, the feeling of being pregnant... I don't miss any of that any more. I used to think that God (or Fate) "owed" me that baby I'd lost back... not anymore.
When I couldn't get pregnant I would beg God to just rip the desire out of me. I would live childless as He wanted, if only the desire was gone. I couldn't take the pain... Is this God answering my prayers for another baby? Is He saying to me "I see where your life is going even if you can't and because I love you, and I know how difficult another baby would be for you with what I see in your future, I am being kind and merciful and I rid you of the desire for another... live out in peace..."
Maybe ... or maybe I am preoccupied with all else in my life (and in the news about Greece) and a baby just isn't high in my list anymore because I have more pressing matters to attend to at the moment...
Who knows? But right now it feels as I would be just as happy with a puppy... hmmmmm
Wonder if I will be writing another post in a few months saying how I do want another baby... we shall see.
Edited to add: Another thought just occured to me.. Is it because I have two special needs little ones who totally, and in every sense, drained me so much that I simply have zero reserves for another child? I ADORE my boys, I wouldn't change a thing but it wasn't easy, I must acknowledge this. John is still hovering around 4 years old in inner maturity, he is still very much a baby who can't be trusted so maybe this is why I do not feel like wanting another?