Friday, February 24, 2012

The diet question...

It's no secret that I am fat... There, I said it. I am fat.
I am well educated. I have a University degree.. in fact I have more than one of those in different fields.
I am an accomplished cook. I can cook from scratch, food from any cuisine around the world. I make killer desserts! From scratch... I speak 3 languages, two of them extremelly fluently in case you haven't noticed ;) I am (mostly) good looking. I am a good photographer. I am creative. I have a really good singing voice. I can play the guitar and the piano. I have a degree in computers and graphic design.
I am compasionate, I am not self-centered... some people might even call me a doormat... I am friendly, I am helpful and I am fun to be around. I will pick you up if you are feeling down, I am a loyal friend... in other words I am accomplished I think... and very blessed and I am dully grateful to the Maker for all my gifts..In fact without meaning to toot my own horn, I am, I think a little above average.

But for some people, none of these matter.One look at me and ALL they see is a fat woman.
I was IGNORED even though it was my turn at Starbucks the other day because the girl behind me was blonde, 20 and beautiful. I kid you not... the male barrista totally ignored me and asked her BEHIND me what she would like... THEN me.
When I go to a doctor they take one look at me and suddenly the remedy for ANY medical issue I might have (even if it is a tooth ache), is lose some weight.
Yet my cholesterol is perfect, so is my heart and my blood sugar and my BP.
All they see is a piece of fat.

I was thin once, not so long ago. I was thin all my life... I never had a weight issue EVER. Then I wanted kids and went the fertility drugs route... in between I lost my job and I was stuck at home all day... and things started to get crammed, pushy, difficult. I was only a few years in Greece, having left my friends abroad, married to man who preferred me at home, in a (then) empty apartment building...alone. Food became my solace. My husband LOVES food. I can get away with murder, literally, as long as I make him his favorites and don't skimp on the quantity. ;)
So I ate... and one day, 8 years later, I am fat. Gone are the days I could walk in ANY store and find something my size. I used to fit into Zara's teen collection just 8 years ago.
And now... I look at the windows longingly (even though I was never a fashion addict) and say "They make don't this for elephants".

Still, food is still my only freedom. My time is not mine. There is a "must" in every moment of my day. George thinks because I have no boss, I am free but it is not true. I have multiple "bosses". People I answer to because that is the nature of this business and I am OK with that. But the stress is huge... and stress and sculpting do not mix as you very well know.
My every waking moment is ruled by what I must be doing right now... For instance I am writing a post to unload but I should be unloading and re-loading the dish washer and starting lunch.
So I turned to food. I was never a quantity girl and I have a very limited palate. Like my son I can eat two bites of something and be ok with it. But all my favorites are the fattening things...

Being fat sucks especially in this country of model-thin people. I am such a minority that there are only TWO stores in the entire city I can shop from (I buy most of my stuff on eBay for this reason). It's sad because I avoid pics like the Devil.. I have no pics of me and my boys together :(
Yet, with food being my only "free" choice and outlet, I can't give it up. I can't tolerate the thought of another "must" or "mustn't" in my life.

Family (who by a twist of fate are all model thin and FASHION DESIGNERS!!!) will often come to me and say "I know of this GREAT dietician"... or this GREAT diet... and my mom wants me to get a gastric bypass.
None understand that I too know (and can succesfully follow as it turned out) a GREAT diet... and I know of a GREAT dietician (and I can't afford neither do I qualify for a bypass!). I am not missing those things... it's the will that I I am missing. I can't go on a diet not because I don't know how.. but because I am not mentally there.

Before dad died, in June, I started on the South Beach diet and stuck to it religiously for almost 3 months (until he died). Man I did GREAT. I lost a ton of weight... then he died and I didn't care anymore. We are coming up to his 6 month anniversary and his birthday in a few days and I think I am starting to come out of the fog that is grief. Don't get me wrong I still and will always cry for him. I will always miss him and this hole in my heart will never fill up. Whenever I call my brother I will keep him talking nonsense just to hear his voice that sounds so much like dad's.
Am I coming up to the place, mentally, that I can go back on my diet?
It's GREAT to be thinner. I know I will never get my figure back. Twin pregnancy  and enough steroids to be detected in my blood years later, made sure of that. Nothing sort of a tummy tuck will get rid of the tummy. And my zebra stripes will always be there too... but I am not aftera biking figure at all... I would love to be downgraded from "fat" to "chubby" though. I so wish my personality would outshine my lard body... but it doesn't. Apparently there is enough padding around my midsection to drown out anything else ;)

I am not fat because I am uneducated or stupid... and I don't regret it either. If someone came to me 8 years ago, as I was sitting all pretty in my size 12 outfit and said to me, you will be a mom but you will be a size 20 and look like a beached whale... I would STILL pick my boys over my figure.

Too bad my family can't see that and instead of me being worth my weight in gold for the person I am and what I offer my family... I am only worth my weight in lard... and inspite the triple digit number on the scale... apparenlty it is not worth much... not much at all.


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