Monday, August 05, 2013

Divorce really hurts!

I didn't want to get divorced. I know a lot of young people go into a marriage thinking "if it doesn't work out, I will just get a divorce". Divorce has become so easy for my generation, the stigma eliminated it is almost "cliché" these days.
However I did not want to get divorced. I never thought I would say "my ex-husband"... then again I never thought I would have twins, or that I would have preemies, or that they would have special needs or that I would say "my son is autistic" or that I would bury my dad so young... and it goes on and on.

I am the kind of person that tries to find a silver lining to everything. I believe in "everything happens for a reason" and "what did I just learn from this?". Truth is, sometimes things just happen because life isn't fair or pretty or easy... sometimes sh!tty things happen to awesome people for NO reason at all and that hurts.

I realize that I worked very hard for my marriage. There isn't anything I could have done more or differently because I gave 110% and stayed...and stayed and stayed until it was clear that I would die, maybe not physically (although nobody could guarantee that as things were becoming physically dangerous too) but certainly psychologically. Not only that, but I owed it to my children! They deserve happiness, they deserve freedom they deserve to breathe!! They deserve to NOT be afraid!

I am sad this happened, I am angry. I see now that he never loved me.. at least not in the conventional sense a normal person perceives love. The actions, the yearning, were just not there. I was "his", an object, I served a purpose and that hurts because I still love him to this day.
It is ok to admit it. I love him still... but not him ...I love someone who doesn't exist. The loving images that come to mind is of person that is just not there. He was there more than a decade ago but no more so in essence I am loving a person dead/long gone. I am mourning the death of something or someone. The man who picks up the boys every once in a while, I don't recognize. The cold eyes, the demeanor, who is that man?

Are things easy now? Am I happy?
Yes and no. Some things are easier. Most days I breathe easier. Amazingly I do not miss him! He was so absent from our daily routine that his absence is not felt at all!!
I find happiness in the small moments. When I get a hug or a kiss from the boys. When I raise my hand to caress them and they don't put up their hands thinking they will get hit.
There is happiness here... there is also a lot of worrying. Will I pay my rent this month? Will I have enough money to take them out for an outing? Financially things are hard but not because he was contributing. I need to get back to regular working on my dolls. It has almost been two months since I left and for that first month I found it hard to get out of bed. Things did not go as planned, I did not have the support I thought I would... but month two is better. Not perfect, but better.

Immediately after the court my lawyer kept telling me "You are free, do you realize that?". I felt anything but... I was SO worried about how I was going to pull this off, for a moment I wanted to run back, not to him, but to the familiar routine, the familiar situation.
It was hard not to. I stuck it out. My boys lashed out, I got hit, they told me terrible things. "I was better off with dad" when I disciplined them was heard often in that first month.
I knew it was only a reaction, I knew they didn't mean it, like an animal that is hurting and bites any hand, even a helping one... but it still hurt to hear it.

We are better now. We have found a new rhythm, a new routine. We are a team... we were always a team.

I did not want to get divorced and in a sense I do not feel I got divorced. I feel as though the person I married died because the man I divorced, had nothing to do with the man I feel in love with.
But here I am now... 35, mom of two, single parent. I want to believe in better days, in days when there will be more happy moments than bad ones... or even when I am able to deal with the bad moments a lot better and look at the bigger picture. All I pray for now is for my boys to grow up into good, honest men.


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