Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Sad news

I have always been kind of a loner in life... I was too different as a child to really fit in at school. I was a quiet child but... different somehow... like John so I didn't have many friends. I was called names, a freak and other things. I was always excluded at parties... I was never in with the "cool" crowd. I always hung out with the nerds or those who others thought of as outsiders.
Of course when I was 12 my mom kicked my dad out so I was "that" kid as well...

Eventually I learned to hide who I really was and put a mask society would approve... so I would appear "normal" and things became a little easier for me. I picked up the social queues by copying others, mostly though without really understanding them but it worked.

I've always few people in my life. Plus the fact that the most important social years of my life I spent abroad, I only stayed in Greece because I wanted George.
One of the few people in my life who really knew me, was dad and he is gone.
Then I only have one close friend who is on the same page as me. In fact she is a sister in everything but blood. And today I learned she is leaving... permanently :( to the other side of the country.
We did everything together. Our kids did everything together.I tried so hard to appear happy for her. I didn't want to be selfish.. but then she started to cry and I started to cry... and it was all a big mess.

I have one other amazing friend and we talk every day and I love her but her child is older and though we do have a ton in common, she is just a little further ahead of me in the game.
I feel miserable. I live in a tiny apartment I hate, in a part of town I did not chose, away from any other family or friends... I've been here 10 years and I don't know anybody. Everybody is seems is busy with their own life.. I tried to make friends but I can't. I feel I am the one who always calls and makes invitations but if I drop it, they won't even miss me :(
I am not good at this social stuff... but I try.

I want to be happy for my friend.. I AM happy for her.. but I am also sad... and I can't stop crying. We will still talk every day but I will one see her a few times a year if that. I will no longer be able to pick up the phone and tell her "meet me there" and do fun stuff with our kids any more. It seems everyone in my life is moving on and I am stuck here... like wearing shoes that are too tight but I can't get rid of them... I am stuck here in Athens, in this tiny apartment, in this crummy life, doing things I don't want to do and not doing the things I want to do... I feel like I can't breathe...


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