Thursday, July 04, 2013

Thoughts on healing and moving on...

One thing I realized today was that this whole "road to healing" thing is not linear.
I will have a mostly good day and then the next day I will feel crappy again and the whole process will be a little "rinse and repeat" until... until what? Until one day I realize I have more good days than bad? That I get more done? That I started sculpting again? That my kids don't raise their arms to protect their heads anymore whenever someone reaches a hand out to touch them? When I love again (if!? I love again)?

Maybe... When my father died, it left me breathless and disoriented but it wasn't my first death, so I was able to make it through it better. This IS my first (and please God Almighty, my LAST!!!) divorce. I don't quite know how to do this. Add the fact that this wasn't a simple "we fell out of love  and we parted as friends divorce", and I find I have very few people around me who know what it is like to leave an abusive relationship, leave all your worldly possessions behind, the place your boys called home and making a brand new start some place else.

It is an adjustment for all involved... yet, strangely, as  I was laying in "bed" (I can't afford a bed yet so I sleep on the couch, hence the "") a couple nights ago, staring at the ceiling and not sleeping, I felt at "home". This apartment, with boxes still around, started feeling like home. Maybe even more so than the previous one. Why? I have only lived here 3 weeks, yet I had lived in the previous one for 12... What changed? Very simply, my heart. Home is where the heart is...and this is where my heart is now.
Now, if I could only SLEEP more than 2 hours a night, THEN I would be happy ;) I am bone tired but too many things are in my head and they won't let me sleep. Have you tried sleeping while your brain is "screaming" at you?

My head is still swirling with the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" and yes sometimes I miss him. I miss the times he was good to me although to be honest, these have been gone for years, if I am being honest, probably since the boys were born. It is easy to get over these moments though. His roaring, raging voice, filled with accusations, the look in his eyes, the sounds of my kids crying uncontrollably, the pleading look in their eyes "mommy save me!", snap me out of it pretty quickly. I miss a person that "died". That person I miss, doesn't exist, maybe he never did.

Am I to blame? Possibly. I don't believe in the "it was all his fault" view. I leave this marriage, knowing I *really* tried. I tried HARD and never gave up, to make it work. I tried so hard to become who he wanted me to become that I don't remember who I started out to be and I need to re-invent me. I don't remember what I liked, can you believe it?
I often find myself talking like him, thinking like him. I remember I was fun loving and bubbly and that is one thing I miss. I was silly even. He didn't approve...

So yes, I am also to blame except I never raised my voice, never called him names, never made him feel unloved or unwanted or worthless and God forbid, I never raised my hand or threw anything with the intent to hit him. I wish I wasn't divorced sometimes. I wish things had worked out, I wish I was a stronger person. Maybe if I had told him that very first time he "lost it" that "listen Mr. that won't fly, now settle down or I am out, I don't deserve this"... maybe things would have gone better.
Here we go with the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" again.

I don't know how but I do know one thing: I will survive this. I will become a better person because of this. I will be the best mom ever to my boys and they will grow to be proper, good, strong, self-sufficient and well rounded men who will treat their families with nothing but love and respect, will not buckle under pressure and will learn to think for themselves. That I promise!

Once again thank you kindly for your support and your patience. I can't wait to start sculpting again, my head is swirling with ideas :)

HAPPY 4th JULY to my American friends!!! Have a great day!!!


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