Friday, March 12, 2010

5 years ago today...

Five years ago today, on March 12th 2005, I injected myself with the last dose of a medicine called Follistim.
Five years ago today my life changed forever in ways I couldn't even imagine...
In a way, nothing went according to "plan"... and in a way, everything was following the perfect plan...

I honestly could not wai to have kids but we got off on the wrong foot from the get go when I went in for a regular check up only to find out I couldn't conceive naturally.
This was followed by two years of doctors' visits, hospital stays, exploratory surgeries and drugs, drugs, drugs, trying to beat my body into submission.

I wasn't prepared for the physical or emotional toll of infertility... What it did to my body and my marriage was unimaginable... But, unknown to me at the time, on the 13th March 2005, I ovulated for the first time in years, and on the 14th March 2005, three little embryos burrowed themselves into me... 8 months later, on November 14th, I would give birth to two of them, one, sadly, lost earlier.

I wasn't prepared for the side effects after ovulation either. I was inflicted with a rare side-effect called OHSS. My abdominal cavity filled with fluid, which caused me excruciating pain. Every internal organ was being squished... I couldn't move, I could hardly breathe and there was danger of me drowning in my own fluid or my heart stopping if the fluid build-up was too much.
For days I was in and out of consiousness, feverish and not allowed to take anything stronger than paracetamol.

On the morning of March 26th, my husband was on duty, I took a pregnancy test after a weird dream I had had. I was back in my kindergarten class, teaching, but the class was all boys... and they were all saying something to me at once I couldn't understand.
The test was an immediate positive!!! I remember crying so hard!!!

The pregnancy didn't go according to plan either... it was physically draining, dangerous, nerve wracking and not to mention expensive... From start to finish, the treatment, doctors and actual birth cost us more than $20,000. (not covered by insurance!)

I wasn't prepared to lose a baby, being threatened to lose another one (John), going on bedrest for 16 weeks, sleeping sitting up in a couch for those 16 weeks, not be able to turn to my side or for my pelvis to break down and separate. It took me a full year after giving birth to feel somewhat normal again and not be in pain.

Also, I certainly never imagined I would have a special needs child and I wasn't prepared for the overwhelming experience of going through diagnosis, to therapy, to daily life like that. My life is anything but your standard "normal".
I wasn't expecting the break down of my marriage, I wasn't expecting the breakdown of my business either... I went from a "good artist" to a "good artist with horrible customer service"..Yes I do admit it, I've got nothing to hide here. I think this is probably my ONE AND ONLY regret about everything that happened to me in the last 5 years. You cannot imagine how bone tired I am and how difficult it is to maintain a balance between taking care of everything (since hubby only comes home to eat and sleep basically), every tiny thing plus working to support us as the dolls ARE my bread and butter... There are days I am shutting down at 9pm... even in the mornings I am dragging. I've gone without a full night's sleep since they were born with the exception of when I am away on a doll show :)

But I get to see their smiling faces every single day.. I get told I am Barbie (even though I weigh over 200 lbs at the moment - another side effect of prolonged fertility treatment and an extra stressful life)... I get chocolate dipped kisses and my own kiss, heals every wound and takes away every pain ...
For two little people *I* am the entire world, the cat's meow and I can never do wrong.
In the last five years I've SO much... but gained much much more in the faces of two little boys... Everything I do, I do for them... they are behind each of my creations, my heart sings their names with every beat... They have taught me so much more than I have taught them... I am a better person because of them (and I have very bad customer service because of them also lol).

Five years ago today, my life changed. *I* changed...
Five years ago today, silently, without noticing, I took my very first breath and was born again...
Thank you God for granting me my one and only wish. Thank you for chosing those two little souls to be my kids... In your infinite wisdom, you couldn't have chosen better for me.
It certainly wasn't what I had asked for or wanted at the time... but it was most certainly what I needed desperately!!


brightfamfarm said...

I finally had to leave the doll world almost entirely because of this. Not many people understand the pressure, stress, and complete chaos of raising a special needs child....even when they are in school. I can't even count the times I was called by the school because my child was sick or pulled his feeding tube out etc. I can't even have a job outside of my home because no one understands. I rarely have much time to even sculpt, let alone go to the post office....not to mention that my back is now in such poor shape because of the repeated heavy lifting.....but I would never complain about my child, he is the single best influence in my life and I would not trade him for the world! You do what you can, and as long as you are doing your best, how could anyone ask for more?

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