There are days I am content with my little family and others I desperately want another child... not just any child though, a girl named Ellie after my grandmother.
You see, I see everything as temporary, like my marriage situation for instance or the financial aspect, whereas a child is forever... I am like a single mom anyway in every aspect of daily life... EVERY aspect... so if *I* think I can manage, why not go for it right?
Then of course there is the issue of the extra weight... I gained 100lbs since I was 25 and we started trying... the injections, the pills, the worry, the 3 years of chemicals pumped into me... I gained.
I can't (and shouldn't) get PG in this weight... however I seem unable (and unwilling) to lose weight.
Sigh... a baby girl... Will I regret NOT having another baby say, 20 years from now? YES!! I am positive I will... I am sure in 20 years I will look back and think things weren't so bad maybe... and I could have had another one. So where does this leave me now?
I am not sure... all I know is, until I hold my baby girl in my arms and smell her sweet skin... my heart will continue longing and command my hands to make baby girls... from clay...