Baby Gus (Gus)

Ok so I can't stop calling him "Gus Gus"... You know... the original Cinderella? The little mouse?
but in reality "Gus" was my father's nickname...and since "Constantine" isn't really a flattering name for a baby, I think "Gus" (Gus) is :)

His pre-order page will open tonight. He will be a limited edition and based on the reactions I got, I expect he will be sold out quickly.
His release date is New Year's/January of 2012 so in about 10-12 weeks. Not too shabby :)

I will post "Gus" (Gus) (!!), link to his pre-order page tonight... as soon as I actual create it... after making breakfast for the family... and do the grocery shopping... and walk the dog... and feed the cat... and cook lunch... and play with the boys... and make them snacks... and cook dinner... ooooh, anyway... Tonight! lol :)

In the meanwhile you can have a look at my bouncing baby boy here:

Customize your own photo album

Negative (and a new baby :))

Ever since having the boys, well, a couple of years after I had them, I have been toying with the idea of having another baby... But I have been unsure actually... I had tried to make up my mind so while I was sitting in a park with the (now older) boys playing around and me not having to run around a toddler, I would say to myself "Imagine if you had a baby right now.... and she or he was crying...and you had to leave... or the baby was toddler and you were running around after it while keeping an eye on the older two... Surely you don't want another baby...!!!"

So basically I had been trying to talk myself out of it... for years.
Yet that stupid voice keeps chirping in my head going "baby this, baby that"... and the desire just won't unroot no matter how I try, no matter how sound my arguments are... On extremelly hard and disappointing days, the voice is silenced and the desire is blanketed temporarily... but just like my "bubbly" positivity, it keeps coming back (to my logic's dismay).

So I went around, thinking I didn't really know if I wanted a baby or not... until I actually had a shot at being pregnant this month... My friend Kris posted this on her Facebook page last night: "When you have to make a hard decision, flip a coin. Why? Because when that coin is in the air... you suddenly know what your hoping for"

SO TRUE!! Inspite my logic's solid arguments against having a baby and against actually being able to conceive one (remember, I am infertile)... I found myself looking up super-early pregnancy symptoms online... You know... just in case I had forgotten them from 8 years ago... (btw I had NO symptoms AT ALL with the boys until after the 12th week and after I had seen them multiple times on u/s).

And this morning, I got SO pissed at myself for holding my lower abdomen and repeating over and over again "please God, pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease" that I went out and bought a pregnancy test... which of course was negative... and of course I took it apart... just in case.. and turned it this way and that... and squinted at it... and it was still negative... and then I was super meticulous in making all evidence of my morning follies disappear in case hubby found so much as a pregnancy test wrapper in the house...

Yah, I know... disappointing to say the least... BUT at least now I know that given a chance at a baby, I would absolutely, without a second's hesitastion, GRAB IT. So I guess something good did come out of it... I now know for sure what I want... Logic-smogic... who cares? We will make it work... I can go without (ok, go without even more) for a chance at one more pregnancy, one more baby, one more newborn smell, one more breastfeeding, one more diapers, one more first tooth, first step, first birthday... just one more.

That said... where the heck is my period???

And all this made me hungry for one more OOAK ;) newborn... ultra newborn. I am still in the planning in my head phase, I have so much to finish and "Jack" should be arriving soon and Lucy is off to production and and and... so for now I am "OOAK pregnant" in my head ;)
But here you can see Lucy and pre-order her! So yes, I AM leaving you with pictures lol... Heck, I am leaving you with an entire website lol!!

http://www.tinakewy.com/lucy/index.htm

HUGS!
Tina

Missing...

It's almost 2am and I can't sleep... It's one of those nights I *must* get some sleep as tomorrow I will rise early; it's the boys' first day of school... The TV stations are all broadcasting 9/11 documentaries or films and found myself searching online for stories about 9/11.
It seems appropriate, even though I am not American, to remember and pray for those who lost their lives on that day 10 years ago.

I woke up in a bad mood today. All night last night I was dreaming not only of my dad but of my uncles who died of cancer a few years before my dad.
And as I was lying here, trying to sleep, I came to a stunning realization... Even though I watched my father die... even though I felt and saw him take his last breath, even though his heart stopped beating right under my fingertips, even though I felt it stop... it hadn't registered. I think I was (am?) in denial about what was going on... I think I was urging him on something, that wasn't release (death). I think at that moment, I thought if only he got to that point (died) everything would be ok, the next day my dad would be ok and back at his place, next to me... and we would talk about it and it would be a distant memory and we would live happily ever after...

Even though I was living it, it hadn't registered that this person was my dad... that my dad was not safe at home but dying right in front of my eyes and there would be no conversation and coffee tomorrow or ever again... These were my last moments with my dad... and even though I knew it... I didn't know it.

It is a lie things become better after a few days... It's been 16 days and I miss him more every day. I now remind myself more often that I cannot see him... that I cannot take him a plate of the food I just cooked. Heck, I've even stopped myself at the door, plate in hand.. I was getting ready to go downstairs to his apartment... then it hit me... he is not there.

It kinda seems appropriate to be so sad on this day, when half the world is mourning those who died 10 years ago... I wonder if the pain will ever be bearable...if I will be able to see his face in my head and just remember the good times, the jokes, his enthusiasm, his bubbly personality and just that... I am terrified that I will either forget the details or I will never be able to get the image of him dying/dead out of my head...

I can't find comfort. I am not sure I believe in the Afterlife at least as people portray it. Yet, I cannot stand the thought him just gone... Everything he was, everything he knew, everything he loved, everything he ever felt just whipped out the moment his heart stopped beating.
Was he dreaming maybe while in the comma? Could he hear us? Or was he, as the doctors say, already gone? He lasted 36hrs... his heart beat at 180 beats her minute for 36hrs... Was he aware and trying to live? To break out of it and come back? Or was it, as the doctors believe, just some lower brain parts that wouldn't quit, a strong heart and a few still working organs that made him last that long?

I was SO many regrets... I now realize I was in denial. I didn't really believe he was going to die when I called 911 on the 15th... I thought he would be treated and brought home... I didn't believe I was losing him when I didn't visit on the 24th... I SO wish I had. It will haunt me forever that I heard his voice for the last time two days before he passed. I could have had one more day with him... if only I knew and had visited on the 24th... but he was stable, nothing was worrying the doctors, nothing was showing them the end was near. He was in serious condition, yes, but nothing was pointing towards doom.

I guess it is easy for the dead. If there is an Afterlife, I do believe they live carefree as they should. The troubles of the world are theirs no longer... but for us, the living, the left behind, things are not that simple. We have a bunch of things to work through and at the end, we are changed and it is a painful lesson and a painful change. I must live with my remorse and my guilt that I could have done a better job... Maybe my insistence on not leaving his side those 36hrs from the time he went into the comma until his heart stopped beating under my fingertips, was my self-imposed punishment for not thinking for a moment this was it... For believing I had more time, for not telling him how much I loved him (although I told him over a million times in those final hours).

I will go ahead and admit it that I think he might be angry at me or worse, disappointed. And I so wish I had a sign from him, a dream, something, that he was ok, that he forgives me... but it's been days and it hasn't come. He is at peace but I am not... and it's ok during the day. So many things to do to keep the mind occupied... but now, at night, when even the pets are asleep, I am alone with my thoughts and I am troubled and tortured and I miss him so much... what I wouldn't give for a rewind, a do-over. I have so many things I wanted to ask him, so many things I wanted to tell him... he was my support, the screw holding me together...and now I am broken and unhinged and I don't know what to do anymore and how to find my footing again... but somehow I must keep putting one foot in front of the other and go on... because of the boys...

Parents... (and why I am an orphan)

I read a post today that struck a cord with me. You can find the whole post here:

Here is what struck me and why:
"...
Parents have all of these things to contend with and many, many more.

This is a surprise to you, I’m sure, because parents do their best to make their kids feel loved, safe, and in capable hands that will always make everything right. The truth is, however, that there were many days when your parents were dealing with something hard, but you were blissfully unaware. All you were exposed to were smiles, hugs, and the reassurance that all would be okay.
..."

That was my dad... the sky might be falling and he would reassure me he would always be there and it would be alright...
Even when he learned he was dying, he didn't say it... He reassured us he had arthritis and not extensive bone cancer, and he would be alright... To the end he was a true parent...

My mom on the other hand is the complete opposite. I learned from the age of 6 that I was the cause for all her troubles and her misery because I was born... I also learned she tried to abort me but because she had a number of serial abortions before me, the doctor refused... which "forced" her to marry my dad.
Oh mom... what a shame. You married a drop dead gorgeous, tall, kind, compasionate and honest man! OH THE TRAGEDY!!!!!!

When things went wrong my mom would say "Don't come crying to me if you get hurt" (or have your heart broken, or get pregnant or fail school or anything, you are on your own!). She never hugged me, she never assured me it would be fine. I lived in a constant state of stress. I would lay awake at night worrying if my kid brothers were prepared for school, if we had food in the fridge and if I had remembered to clean her dog's mess from the yard.

Anyway, so because of all of this, 6 year old Tina, knew she had hurt the one person that she was programmed to love more than anything... her mom. And I had to live with this knowledge... no surprise I was a "weird" kid.

The physical abuse and more importantly, the psychological abuse became horrible when she threw dad out. I was just 3 days shy of being 12... she turned to me with a thriumphant smile and said "You are old enough now... Raise your brothers. I am off to live my life..." and off she went, bringing boyfriend upon boyfriend at home.
She spent her entire fortune on herself and when my grandparents died, she blackmailed us and took for herself what our grandparents had left us and spent it, leaving us with nothing... and now she has blown her entire fortune, she comes to us demanding money, because she raised us and "we owe her" the money she spent to feed and clothe us all these years.

The tragic thing was that up to a certain age I thought ALL moms were like this. All families were like this... and I still trusted her. When she told me I was rotten, I believed her but in retrospect, I was a quiet, reserved child that never was a rebelious teenager.
I started putting the puzzle pieces together when I became a mom... And God please forgive me, do not ask me to forgive and forget because these were not the macchinations of a simple mind but of a clever woman who plotted and harmed her own children to get her way...I cannot live next to this person and for my mental sake, and my children's, I must be as far away from her as possible in order to find my balance and continue growing....

For all those reasons, I am an orphan.. The only parent I had was my dad and now he is gone... and I am an orphan...
Also I vowed that my kids will never look into my eyes and wonder if they were wanted... ever.

A new baby...

Ok I was tempted to title this post "A New Hope"... you know.. Star Wars? Anybody?? Am I the only sci-fi, Trekkie weirdo in the room?? *sigh*

Sculpting has been therapeutic... I still bawl my eyes out but hey, a girl's gotta eat, right? (and her kids along with her lol). So I am tentatively getting back to work. I know dad would have wanted it too.
I wanted to share Rylan with you. He is an amazing mini boy at 13" (11" with bent legs). A full term baby. I posted him for sale the other day. Here are some pics I took of him :) He is SO much better in person though! His price is 620 Euros shipped and he comes with two outfits and two pacifiers (sculpted for him) plus a toy and COA. I will consider a reasonable offer as well so contact me if you are interested.

Someday..

Someday, 20:50pm will come and go and I won't notice...
Someday, I will be able to take another deep breath and it will not catch...
Someday, I will only remember his voice, his laugh, his smile, his sparkling eyes...
Someday, I will be able to talk about him and I will only smile...

One day, some day, but not today or tomorrow or in a month or in six months...
It's been one week almost to the minute. 15 minutes ago, a week ago, I was hovering behind a closed hospital room door while the doctors determined he had really, really taken his last breath in this world... One day, the image of his gray skin, colored by death imminent will be forever replaced by the familiar image of him smiling his half crooked, charming smile... but it was his eyes that always smiled more, sparkling like diamonds...

I miss you Daddy... you were my favorite person in the entire world aside from my kids, the person I loved the most, I needed the most...
Someday I will learn how to go on without you, and I will stop thinking "I should call Dad, I haven't heard from him today"... I will glide through life again effortlesly, fully accustomed to my new "normal"...

I promise you, I will make you very proud. I will be the person you wanted me to be... and I will never stop sculpting the babies you loved so, so much. You were the proudest dad you said, sharing my dolls with anyone who had time to look through the photos.

Others pay tribute by signing, painting, writing songs and poems... I sculpt. That's what I do, that's the tribute I can offer.

I love you Daddy... I miss you so, so much...

The "process"

According to the Kubler-Ross model, there are 5 stages to dealing with a loss..
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Not everyone goes through every single one and each person can go through them in a different order.
I started off with anger. Anger mostly towards my mom because with her actions, she denied me my dad in my teenage years and she had even managed to convince us he was a horrible person for a while and keep us away from him...

I was even angry at dad ... Why didn't he tell us?? There are so many thigns I would have done differently if I knew. I am putting together little pieces, a look, a phrase, his sadness, the slight quiver in his voice when he called me to say his scans were clear (they were not) and come to the conclusion that he knew he was dying...
Lastly night I briefly went through denial. "I can't believe my dad is gone" I told hubby. And honestly, I couldn't. It had been a few days and I was starting to miss him so I started to prepare to go downstairs to say hi... and I stopped dead cold realizing he wasn't there... he will never be there again.

I know people are close with their dad but since I have no mom, at least not in any meaningful motherly way - as she says often - she is just a friend, my dad was EVERYTHING TO ME. He was my rock, my safe harbor, my confessor, the first person I called in joy or in crisis. He was all I had in terms of a family. I am an orphan... I am alone.

I am going through anger still.. I am angry at myself. That time he asked me to come down and I took half an hour because I was "busy"... or that time I didn't cook and he was hungry. Why didn't I know?? If only I had known, I would have spent every minute with him. There are so many things I wanted to ask him!! I don't even know what he wanted when he died. He never told us he would die. I didn't believe he would die, I had no clue. I really thought he would be the one to escape death's grasp.

The nightmares have started. I had one last night. What if my dad is mad at me? I had asked him for a sign he was ok where he went but I got nightmares instead. What if he is mad at me? I am certainly full of regrets myself. The list of "things I would have done differently" keeps playing on an infinite loop in my head...

I have zero patience for the boys. I want to open the door and start running, go somewhere, do something but I feel like the boys are lead chains that hold me down. Don't get me wrong, I love them, you know that... but I can't be around them right now. All I do is yell at them and all they do is whine and demand whatever it is little boys demand (more time on the Xbox, toys etc).
And I have NO patience for it.

I am angry at other people too.. like my mother in law. Instead of staying for a few days to help out, instead of asking or offering to take over so I can properly mourn, she took off. She came for 24 hrs, was 10 minutes late for the funeral, then took off like her house was on fire.

Hubby, doesn't fully get it. He was been ok, but thinks I must move on. I can see it in his eyes he doesn't want to talk about it. He prefers not to hear it or feel it. He has a list of things I "must do" ... but I have zero energy. All I want to do is sit on the couch all day if I am at home.
And sculpt... I want to sculpt, I want to create. Dad was SO proud of my sculpting. He would tell everyone, show everyone and his eyes would sparkle so...

I miss dad...