Thursday, September 01, 2011

The "process"

According to the Kubler-Ross model, there are 5 stages to dealing with a loss..
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Not everyone goes through every single one and each person can go through them in a different order.
I started off with anger. Anger mostly towards my mom because with her actions, she denied me my dad in my teenage years and she had even managed to convince us he was a horrible person for a while and keep us away from him...

I was even angry at dad ... Why didn't he tell us?? There are so many thigns I would have done differently if I knew. I am putting together little pieces, a look, a phrase, his sadness, the slight quiver in his voice when he called me to say his scans were clear (they were not) and come to the conclusion that he knew he was dying...
Lastly night I briefly went through denial. "I can't believe my dad is gone" I told hubby. And honestly, I couldn't. It had been a few days and I was starting to miss him so I started to prepare to go downstairs to say hi... and I stopped dead cold realizing he wasn't there... he will never be there again.

I know people are close with their dad but since I have no mom, at least not in any meaningful motherly way - as she says often - she is just a friend, my dad was EVERYTHING TO ME. He was my rock, my safe harbor, my confessor, the first person I called in joy or in crisis. He was all I had in terms of a family. I am an orphan... I am alone.

I am going through anger still.. I am angry at myself. That time he asked me to come down and I took half an hour because I was "busy"... or that time I didn't cook and he was hungry. Why didn't I know?? If only I had known, I would have spent every minute with him. There are so many things I wanted to ask him!! I don't even know what he wanted when he died. He never told us he would die. I didn't believe he would die, I had no clue. I really thought he would be the one to escape death's grasp.

The nightmares have started. I had one last night. What if my dad is mad at me? I had asked him for a sign he was ok where he went but I got nightmares instead. What if he is mad at me? I am certainly full of regrets myself. The list of "things I would have done differently" keeps playing on an infinite loop in my head...

I have zero patience for the boys. I want to open the door and start running, go somewhere, do something but I feel like the boys are lead chains that hold me down. Don't get me wrong, I love them, you know that... but I can't be around them right now. All I do is yell at them and all they do is whine and demand whatever it is little boys demand (more time on the Xbox, toys etc).
And I have NO patience for it.

I am angry at other people too.. like my mother in law. Instead of staying for a few days to help out, instead of asking or offering to take over so I can properly mourn, she took off. She came for 24 hrs, was 10 minutes late for the funeral, then took off like her house was on fire.

Hubby, doesn't fully get it. He was been ok, but thinks I must move on. I can see it in his eyes he doesn't want to talk about it. He prefers not to hear it or feel it. He has a list of things I "must do" ... but I have zero energy. All I want to do is sit on the couch all day if I am at home.
And sculpt... I want to sculpt, I want to create. Dad was SO proud of my sculpting. He would tell everyone, show everyone and his eyes would sparkle so...

I miss dad...


I Designed My Own Blog at Sour Apple Studio DIY