Thursday, September 08, 2011

Parents... (and why I am an orphan)

I read a post today that struck a cord with me. You can find the whole post here:

Here is what struck me and why:
Parents have all of these things to contend with and many, many more.

This is a surprise to you, I’m sure, because parents do their best to make their kids feel loved, safe, and in capable hands that will always make everything right. The truth is, however, that there were many days when your parents were dealing with something hard, but you were blissfully unaware. All you were exposed to were smiles, hugs, and the reassurance that all would be okay.

That was my dad... the sky might be falling and he would reassure me he would always be there and it would be alright...
Even when he learned he was dying, he didn't say it... He reassured us he had arthritis and not extensive bone cancer, and he would be alright... To the end he was a true parent...

My mom on the other hand is the complete opposite. I learned from the age of 6 that I was the cause for all her troubles and her misery because I was born... I also learned she tried to abort me but because she had a number of serial abortions before me, the doctor refused... which "forced" her to marry my dad.
Oh mom... what a shame. You married a drop dead gorgeous, tall, kind, compasionate and honest man! OH THE TRAGEDY!!!!!!

When things went wrong my mom would say "Don't come crying to me if you get hurt" (or have your heart broken, or get pregnant or fail school or anything, you are on your own!). She never hugged me, she never assured me it would be fine. I lived in a constant state of stress. I would lay awake at night worrying if my kid brothers were prepared for school, if we had food in the fridge and if I had remembered to clean her dog's mess from the yard.

Anyway, so because of all of this, 6 year old Tina, knew she had hurt the one person that she was programmed to love more than anything... her mom. And I had to live with this knowledge... no surprise I was a "weird" kid.

The physical abuse and more importantly, the psychological abuse became horrible when she threw dad out. I was just 3 days shy of being 12... she turned to me with a thriumphant smile and said "You are old enough now... Raise your brothers. I am off to live my life..." and off she went, bringing boyfriend upon boyfriend at home.
She spent her entire fortune on herself and when my grandparents died, she blackmailed us and took for herself what our grandparents had left us and spent it, leaving us with nothing... and now she has blown her entire fortune, she comes to us demanding money, because she raised us and "we owe her" the money she spent to feed and clothe us all these years.

The tragic thing was that up to a certain age I thought ALL moms were like this. All families were like this... and I still trusted her. When she told me I was rotten, I believed her but in retrospect, I was a quiet, reserved child that never was a rebelious teenager.
I started putting the puzzle pieces together when I became a mom... And God please forgive me, do not ask me to forgive and forget because these were not the macchinations of a simple mind but of a clever woman who plotted and harmed her own children to get her way...I cannot live next to this person and for my mental sake, and my children's, I must be as far away from her as possible in order to find my balance and continue growing....

For all those reasons, I am an orphan.. The only parent I had was my dad and now he is gone... and I am an orphan...
Also I vowed that my kids will never look into my eyes and wonder if they were wanted... ever.


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