Thursday, September 15, 2011

Negative (and a new baby :))

Ever since having the boys, well, a couple of years after I had them, I have been toying with the idea of having another baby... But I have been unsure actually... I had tried to make up my mind so while I was sitting in a park with the (now older) boys playing around and me not having to run around a toddler, I would say to myself "Imagine if you had a baby right now.... and she or he was crying...and you had to leave... or the baby was toddler and you were running around after it while keeping an eye on the older two... Surely you don't want another baby...!!!"

So basically I had been trying to talk myself out of it... for years.
Yet that stupid voice keeps chirping in my head going "baby this, baby that"... and the desire just won't unroot no matter how I try, no matter how sound my arguments are... On extremelly hard and disappointing days, the voice is silenced and the desire is blanketed temporarily... but just like my "bubbly" positivity, it keeps coming back (to my logic's dismay).

So I went around, thinking I didn't really know if I wanted a baby or not... until I actually had a shot at being pregnant this month... My friend Kris posted this on her Facebook page last night: "When you have to make a hard decision, flip a coin. Why? Because when that coin is in the air... you suddenly know what your hoping for"

SO TRUE!! Inspite my logic's solid arguments against having a baby and against actually being able to conceive one (remember, I am infertile)... I found myself looking up super-early pregnancy symptoms online... You know... just in case I had forgotten them from 8 years ago... (btw I had NO symptoms AT ALL with the boys until after the 12th week and after I had seen them multiple times on u/s).

And this morning, I got SO pissed at myself for holding my lower abdomen and repeating over and over again "please God, pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease" that I went out and bought a pregnancy test... which of course was negative... and of course I took it apart... just in case.. and turned it this way and that... and squinted at it... and it was still negative... and then I was super meticulous in making all evidence of my morning follies disappear in case hubby found so much as a pregnancy test wrapper in the house...

Yah, I know... disappointing to say the least... BUT at least now I know that given a chance at a baby, I would absolutely, without a second's hesitastion, GRAB IT. So I guess something good did come out of it... I now know for sure what I want... Logic-smogic... who cares? We will make it work... I can go without (ok, go without even more) for a chance at one more pregnancy, one more baby, one more newborn smell, one more breastfeeding, one more diapers, one more first tooth, first step, first birthday... just one more.

That said... where the heck is my period???

And all this made me hungry for one more OOAK ;) newborn... ultra newborn. I am still in the planning in my head phase, I have so much to finish and "Jack" should be arriving soon and Lucy is off to production and and and... so for now I am "OOAK pregnant" in my head ;)
But here you can see Lucy and pre-order her! So yes, I AM leaving you with pictures lol... Heck, I am leaving you with an entire website lol!!



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